Still around... sorta

Well, we're here still.  Just trying to get through life day to day it seems.  I know Heidi would agree with me that we've both fallen off track, but haven't lost the goal of health.  I think we're both also putting self-love and self-confidence in front of being skinny though.  Being people we like, and live up to the awesomeness that we both know the other one has - others see it too.  We both need to learn and remember that being fat does not make us second class citizens who have to give 110% to others, only to be left with a deficit when it comes to ourselves.

I am still working on making changes in my life that are healthier.  In fact, I've had two pretty amazing opportunities open up to me lately.  First of all, I am working at a gym a couple times a week providing childcare during fitness classes.  Since they are at night, I can leave the Rowdy Bunch at home with Brian, and workout for an hour when I am done,  ALL. BY. MYSELF.  I am not digging the nights, but I am loving the time alone.  I think a friend would be more fun to work out with, but I don't know if I would work harder or not.  Also, a friend of mine, who manages the gym, has offered me some personal training for FREE.  I haven't taken her up on it yet because I haven't found a time that works well for me.  Plus I think if I am honest, I want to get to point where I can do a little more.  I guess maybe what I really need to do is talk to her, and see what she thinks.
 Secondly, I have been given the opportunity to take over the social media and website of a local Organic Farm in exchange for fresh produce and other farm goods, that are ALL organic.  I watched Food, Inc. the other night, and O.M.G.  if you haven't seen that, you really need to.  This May, we have Joel Salatin of Polyface, Inc. (and heavily featured in Food, Inc.) coming here to town to speak. I am still trying to get Brian on board with it, but my plan is for us to slowly switch to more and more organic foods.  Living where we do, our choices for organic foods are quite limited in the grocery store, but we can get there, I know we can.

I haven't run since the end of October.  I was having pain in my foot almost constantly while I ran, and then after a marathon shopping trip with a friend, the pain lasted for almost 3 weeks.  I finally bit the bullet and went to the doctor.  My PCP put me in a walking boot, but then after having pain a few days later still, he referred me to an Orthopedic doc.  Apparently my right foot is not the foot of a 30-year-old.  I have arthritis in all the joints, causing me to walk/run wrong, and this is causing cysts on the bones of my toes.  So I spent quite some time in the walking boot, and now I am trying to stay away from things that are high impact on my feet.  So no running for a long time for me.  I will get back there though.  I've been doing weight lifting, and riding a stationary bike.  I plan on getting to the pool soon, too.  Just need to get a new swimsuit.

Hope 2012 is finding you doing well, and loving life!

...

Hello everyone out there in Blogland... sorry its been so long! Life has certainly gotten in the way of me, and I've been tripping, and falling all over it. Still haven't quite caught my balance, although I'm hoping I land back on both feet soon. All I can do at this point is take it one step at a time.

Not only has life gotten in the way, its also been a complete and utter living nightmare. This past spring and summer life wasn't bad. It was busy, and depression got the best of me. With Ethan home on summer break, and working midnight shift I had to catch sleep when and where I could, as well as maintain some semblance of organization and finding time to have fun and create memories. Work was/is always stressful, and I have a hard time letting go of that stress on the door out of the building. It stays with me all day. Doesn't help an already depressed person get on with the day, I can tell you that much. But I got through it. During the end of summer my husband took charge and decided we were going to overhaul our grocery shopping and eating habits. Having him take the lead was so nice. It wasn't me nagging him, it was him nagging me for a change and we did it together. We were spending less money on our groceries, yet we were eating healthier than ever. I've realized that our local grocery store is a big trigger for me so I avoid it if at all possible. In late July I threw a huge birthday party for my husbands 30th birthday. It was so much fun. This was a turning point for my depression. I started feeling happy once again.

Then came fall. Ethan, my big and independent boy, started 2nd grade. Life was evening out, and it was better than it has been in a long time. Everything was ho-hum, boring, but good. Then I got the phone call....

Saturday September 24th 1:00pm I was woken up to the phone ringing. My husband handed me the phone. It was my aunt. I KNEW something wasn't right. When she asked if I was sitting down, it only furthered my panic. Then she said the words "Kenny passed away" See, I am the oldest of 5 kids. Kenny was the 2nd oldest of us. He was only 25! He lived with my grandma. Our Aunt Vicky went over that morning to can tomatoes with Grandma. It wasn't unusual for Ken to sleep in on weekends he didn't have to work. Around noon grandma decided to go check on him. She found him. He had passed away in his sleep.

I don't even know what to say. My heart was instantly shattered, and while I'm hoping that I am starting to heal, I know it won't ever be whole. Losing Kenny was worse than losing our mom. We may never know why he passed, but we do know that he passed peacefully, and he was in no pain. That is a blessing!

I'll spare you all the ugly details, but lets just say I've been coping through food... big time. Like a bag of chips a day kinda coping. Its been UGLY! Thats what we do in our family. We eat! But as we were sitting around my grandma's kitchen table my brother Matt brought up a very good point. He said there is NO REASON why any of us can't see a doctor, get a physical, and know whats going on with our bodies. I said "you know, you are right" and I called right at that moment and I made the appointment with my physician. I didn't realize how afraid I was that I might have had something wrong until I pulled in the parking lot. Its so much easier to live in the dark, and denial that there'd even be a possibility that I'd be unhealthy or sick in some major way. I needed to know though, because I need to be here for my family. The doc did the full work up. Even had an EKG. EKG, physical, and all the blood work they did all turned out PERFECT! YES even my cholesterol and triglycerides were within normal and healthy limits! Here I am 140 pounds overweight (if not more) and I am perfectly healthy! What a blessing! How amazing! Now if I could only get the pain from my PCOS (which my insulin level is great, and I am not on metformin so whoohoo on that one!) under control I'll be good to go!!

One thing my GYN recommended to me yesterday was to do 10 minutes of stretching every single day. Make it a non negotiable. I've been wanting to get into Yoga anyway. I can do 10 minutes! My plan is to take this good health and run with it! I CAN do it. I can maintain this clean bill of health that I've been given.

My plan for today and tomorrow: to not give into the fear and panic so much, to do my 10 minutes a day of stretching, to treat myself better by not eating as much junk. I'm giving myself permission to mourn as I need to as well. I miss him. The world isn't right without him here.

*ahem* Forget about me?

It's okay.  I did too.  I took myself off the list again.  I let life happen and put lots of other people in front of me and my health.

I am trying to get back to me near the top.  At the top seems so hard for me with 2 kids not in school yet. It seems like someone always needs something.  I know it's stupid to not put me first and foremost, but I haven't quite figured out how to make an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I started over with the Couch to 5k program.  I just finished Week 2.  I didn't want to come post right away, kind of because I needed to prove to me that I was ready to do this again, and was serious about it.  Not a "Oh hooray! Look at me!" kind of post.

So, good things about this -

• I started over at a faster pace than I did the first time.
• I know I can do it because I've already been there, run that. :)
• I have the shoes already (and let's face it, every girl needs the right pair of shoes)
• I know how to make it work for me

Not so good things - 

• I don't seem to be getting the same runner's high as I was before.  It still feels slightly torturous.
• I have been dealing with costochondritis since July, and since I am such a big fan of doctors, well... yeah.

That's how it is now.  I know Heidi's been dealing with some stuff too, but she's working on getting back here, too.  So don't lose hope in us.  We're just struggling a little is all. :)

LIGHT BULB!!!

This doesn't need much introduction, but just imagine Mr. Gru from Despicable Me

with the "Light bulb" scene when you see this next image.

Yeah, that was me, too.

Borrowed from Tara's blog.