6 weeks

Spring is FINALLY here! In the Upper Peninsula of Michigan it feels like we have snow 6-7 months of the year. When it feels like spring has sprung Mother Nature feels it necessary to bury us a few more times. Its frustrating. Its depressing!

During this past winter I've fallen off the wagon big time. I know I blogged about it a few times, and I made a few half hearted attempts to get back on. I've failed. I could come up with a bunch of excuses, a couple of them valid, most of them not, but I won't. All of us suffer through being busy, work, weather, headaches, etc. I let all of those things get in my way. I've been very unhappy.

I've recently been diagnosed with TMJ (Temporomandibular joint disorder) and Bruxism (grinding of the teeth.) For the past 3-4 months I've had non-stop headaches. The pain starts in my forehead and temples, causes ear aches, neck aches that radiate into my shoulders. I'd go to bed with the pain and wake up with the pain. It was too much to take at times with the headaches within migraine territory. Sound sensitive, light sensitive, periods of sharp jabbing pains in my my ears and head. At times my hearing was effected as well. I've recently had a mouth guard fitted properly by my dentist, along with some great advice on how to deal with all these issues, and prevent it from getting worse. I'm so happy to say that I am finally feeling some relief! ( So much for not making any excuses right!?)

With the relief from the headaches, and the bright sunshine, and warmer weather I'm ready to get back into the game! My friend and co-worker convinced me to go for a walk with her before work the other night. A half hour and 2 miles later I was exhausted! I felt great though. Yesterday for Mother's Day my husband and son took me hiking at a few county parks to look at waterfalls. It was a fantastic day. My butt and abs were dying yesterday but feel wonderful today. I started my day off today with Shakeology. I need to have a snack or lunch here soon. I'd like to do some Turbo Jam. I wanted to do some ChaLean Extreme as well, but I don't want to do too much too fast.

I have some wonderful motivation as well. The dreaded 10 year high school reunion! I'm not totally dreading it. In fact I'm looking forward to seeing most of my classmates! It should be a fun time. I have gained an insane amount of weight since I was in high school. I wish I had a picture to share with you. I was a size 12-14 and at my thinnest weight ever. I was "goth" haha, yes one of them dorky kids. I've changed a lot. But I'm not happy with myself physically. I need more self esteem. I want to feel better all the way around. I want to feel healthy and happy. I know I need to get this whole exercise thing back on track, as well as my diet. Today is day 1 of my personal challenge to lose as much weight as I can in 6 weeks. I'm not going to lay out any goals for myself because I am done with disappointing myself, and setting myself up for failure. I want to lose weight. I WILL lose weight. I will be happy no matter what as long as I see the scale go down.

I am once again a fat chick with a mission!!!

depression... its whats for dinner

I am forcing myself to write this blog today. I really don't want to write it. I don't know what I want to say. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I've pretty much given up on caring about how I eat. I've stopped exercising. I have gained back a few pounds. I'm turning to food for comfort. I feel empty. I'm numb. Pretty much hopeless. My anxiety has been very bad. I got a migraine last night. Woke up with it yet this morning. I don't know if its because of my earache (maybe pressure from an infection?) or if its just a migraine. I've been sleeping a lot. I feel constantly stressed out over everything. My house is a mess but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm eating like shit, and I don't really care. Yet I feel guilty over all of it. I've been a bad friend (I am so sorry Erin!) I am trying very hard to put on the 'mask' and be a good mom and a good wife. Doing what I have to to get through the day so I can enter into my comfort zone of my couch and blanket. Last night was the first in a few weeks that I didn't crave carbs and chocolate. I just didn't care to do anything. I didn't want to read, didn't want to watch TV. I just wanted to lay here.

My depression takes everything out of me. It leaves me a shell of myself. I don't enjoy things I usually do. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing to give. So, please, forgive me! Please forgive my bad attitude, my lack of blog posts, and the addition of pounds on the scale. I'm disgusted with myself, I really truly am!

I'm going to try to give myself a few small, healthy goals to reach daily. I'm hoping that by meeting these goals I'll gain more confidence and I'll be able to bust out of this depression sooner rather than later.

GOALS:
1) Drink 1 shakeology a day as a meal replacement. (drank it for breakfast today)
2) State 1 thing I am thankful for each day. I will do this on facebook (Heidi Oczus if you want to add me)
3) Dance everyday! I don't think I have it in me to pull out a full workout, but I know I can turn on some music and dance to a few songs. I promise I will dance to at least 1 fast paced song everyday!


Those are all I can come up with right now that I know I will be able to stick to. I have others in mind like "do dishes everyday" but I know that isn't a reachable goal right now and I don't need anymore stress at the moment.

I am jelly, and I'm kinda loving it!

I am feeling pretty amazing right now, if not a bit tired. I woke up feeling blah and depressed. I had to force myself to get my ass off the couch and press play. I am loving this new workout program. ChaLean Extreme is intense! It focus' on resistance and weight training. I've shied away from strength training in the past. My focus was always on cardio and building stamina. I still have to drink a million oz of water during each of my workouts but my stamina has gotten a lot better. Cardio isn't giving me what I want in a total body makeover, however.

So, here I am with ChaLean Extreme. Its a 3 month program, and you workout 3 days a week. The first month is called the Burn Phase. You do more repetitions at a lower weight or resistance to reach fatigue, which is where your muscles start shaking, and you feel like you just cannot do anymore. This month revs up your metabolism and gets your muscles working. The second month is called the Push Phase. In this phase you lift heavy, and do fewer repetitions. The third month is called the Lean Phase and it brings it all home, and this is the month in which you see amazing results.

Today was only my second workout with this program. Let me tell you one thing... towards the end of the workout my muscles were jelly and shaking and I was trying to do push ups and I was yelling obscenities to the television. BUT I pushed passed that sweet amazing pain and I finished. I wanted to cry. Its such an intense program and I was feeling some really intense emotions. Most of all I felt pride that I finished something that was hard for me. It was hard for me to get up and do the workout today. It really was. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to move. I wanted to wallow in my depression because that is the easy thing to do, and that is what I am used to. But I forced myself to get up, and I forced myself to push play, and I am so glad I did. I cannot wait to feel stronger and stronger. I cannot wait to build muscle. I cannot wait to see how this changes my body. Most of all I cannot wait to see how I change as a person. I can only hope I become stronger mentally and emotionally as well