6 weeks

Spring is FINALLY here! In the Upper Peninsula of Michigan it feels like we have snow 6-7 months of the year. When it feels like spring has sprung Mother Nature feels it necessary to bury us a few more times. Its frustrating. Its depressing!

During this past winter I've fallen off the wagon big time. I know I blogged about it a few times, and I made a few half hearted attempts to get back on. I've failed. I could come up with a bunch of excuses, a couple of them valid, most of them not, but I won't. All of us suffer through being busy, work, weather, headaches, etc. I let all of those things get in my way. I've been very unhappy.

I've recently been diagnosed with TMJ (Temporomandibular joint disorder) and Bruxism (grinding of the teeth.) For the past 3-4 months I've had non-stop headaches. The pain starts in my forehead and temples, causes ear aches, neck aches that radiate into my shoulders. I'd go to bed with the pain and wake up with the pain. It was too much to take at times with the headaches within migraine territory. Sound sensitive, light sensitive, periods of sharp jabbing pains in my my ears and head. At times my hearing was effected as well. I've recently had a mouth guard fitted properly by my dentist, along with some great advice on how to deal with all these issues, and prevent it from getting worse. I'm so happy to say that I am finally feeling some relief! ( So much for not making any excuses right!?)

With the relief from the headaches, and the bright sunshine, and warmer weather I'm ready to get back into the game! My friend and co-worker convinced me to go for a walk with her before work the other night. A half hour and 2 miles later I was exhausted! I felt great though. Yesterday for Mother's Day my husband and son took me hiking at a few county parks to look at waterfalls. It was a fantastic day. My butt and abs were dying yesterday but feel wonderful today. I started my day off today with Shakeology. I need to have a snack or lunch here soon. I'd like to do some Turbo Jam. I wanted to do some ChaLean Extreme as well, but I don't want to do too much too fast.

I have some wonderful motivation as well. The dreaded 10 year high school reunion! I'm not totally dreading it. In fact I'm looking forward to seeing most of my classmates! It should be a fun time. I have gained an insane amount of weight since I was in high school. I wish I had a picture to share with you. I was a size 12-14 and at my thinnest weight ever. I was "goth" haha, yes one of them dorky kids. I've changed a lot. But I'm not happy with myself physically. I need more self esteem. I want to feel better all the way around. I want to feel healthy and happy. I know I need to get this whole exercise thing back on track, as well as my diet. Today is day 1 of my personal challenge to lose as much weight as I can in 6 weeks. I'm not going to lay out any goals for myself because I am done with disappointing myself, and setting myself up for failure. I want to lose weight. I WILL lose weight. I will be happy no matter what as long as I see the scale go down.

I am once again a fat chick with a mission!!!

I did it!

I did it! I stayed on my diet the entire week! When I recommitted to my weight loss journey I told myself I wanted to get back into the 250's by the end of the week. I met my goal! I am back down to 74lbs lost! Very very good feeling! I KNOW I can do this! I know what to do, what to eat. I just have to push myself, and give myself NO excuses! I have to forgive myself and move on when I slip up. I might not be where I want to be, but I'm sure not where I was. I won't go back there. I refuse! So onward, and upward I go!

My next goal 255 by next week.

recommitment

Today is the day I cast all my excuses and complaints aside and recommit to changing my life! I have gained about 8 pounds back in the past couple of weeks. I am NOT happy with that. I am not happy with the way I am living my life right now. So, I'm going to change!

I am going to be keeping my food diary at myfitnesspal.com I have it set so my updates will post on facebook, just for added accountability. I've heard weight loss is 80% diet, so I am going to go back to my healthy eating. I'm also going to go back to Turbo Jam. Once I get in the groove with the cardio I'm going to add strength/weight training in with ChaLean Extreme.

I am excited! My goal is to get back down to 260 within the next 2 weeks. I hope its manageable! I just received info on my 10 year class reunion... gotta look good you know LOL

For now I must say ttfn. I worked last night, and I've fallen asleep 2 times while writing this blog LOL

Its NOT easy!

I am a bit annoyed and perturbed. This afternoon one of my facebook friends posted something that upset me. She said that its a lot easier to be overweight and unhealthy than it is to be fit and healthy. She has never been overweight, which upset me a lot more than it would have if she was posting her personal opinion based on her own experience.

It is NOT easy to be overweight. Its not easy to not be able to find clothes that fit right. Its not easy to play with your kids, because its not easy to move. Its not easy to feel uncomfortable around everyone. Its not easy to have no self confidence or any self esteem. It is NOT EASY changing our entire lives- OUR ENTIRE LIVES! to make changes to become healthier. It's not easy. Do I think its easy its be fit? Not necessarily. Do I think its easy to be thin? Not necessarily. I've never been fit, I've never been thin so I can't say if my life would be easier or harder. All I know is that I would not choose to be overweight, obese, or fat.

depression... its whats for dinner

I am forcing myself to write this blog today. I really don't want to write it. I don't know what I want to say. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I've pretty much given up on caring about how I eat. I've stopped exercising. I have gained back a few pounds. I'm turning to food for comfort. I feel empty. I'm numb. Pretty much hopeless. My anxiety has been very bad. I got a migraine last night. Woke up with it yet this morning. I don't know if its because of my earache (maybe pressure from an infection?) or if its just a migraine. I've been sleeping a lot. I feel constantly stressed out over everything. My house is a mess but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm eating like shit, and I don't really care. Yet I feel guilty over all of it. I've been a bad friend (I am so sorry Erin!) I am trying very hard to put on the 'mask' and be a good mom and a good wife. Doing what I have to to get through the day so I can enter into my comfort zone of my couch and blanket. Last night was the first in a few weeks that I didn't crave carbs and chocolate. I just didn't care to do anything. I didn't want to read, didn't want to watch TV. I just wanted to lay here.

My depression takes everything out of me. It leaves me a shell of myself. I don't enjoy things I usually do. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing to give. So, please, forgive me! Please forgive my bad attitude, my lack of blog posts, and the addition of pounds on the scale. I'm disgusted with myself, I really truly am!

I'm going to try to give myself a few small, healthy goals to reach daily. I'm hoping that by meeting these goals I'll gain more confidence and I'll be able to bust out of this depression sooner rather than later.

GOALS:
1) Drink 1 shakeology a day as a meal replacement. (drank it for breakfast today)
2) State 1 thing I am thankful for each day. I will do this on facebook (Heidi Oczus if you want to add me)
3) Dance everyday! I don't think I have it in me to pull out a full workout, but I know I can turn on some music and dance to a few songs. I promise I will dance to at least 1 fast paced song everyday!


Those are all I can come up with right now that I know I will be able to stick to. I have others in mind like "do dishes everyday" but I know that isn't a reachable goal right now and I don't need anymore stress at the moment.

I am jelly, and I'm kinda loving it!

I am feeling pretty amazing right now, if not a bit tired. I woke up feeling blah and depressed. I had to force myself to get my ass off the couch and press play. I am loving this new workout program. ChaLean Extreme is intense! It focus' on resistance and weight training. I've shied away from strength training in the past. My focus was always on cardio and building stamina. I still have to drink a million oz of water during each of my workouts but my stamina has gotten a lot better. Cardio isn't giving me what I want in a total body makeover, however.

So, here I am with ChaLean Extreme. Its a 3 month program, and you workout 3 days a week. The first month is called the Burn Phase. You do more repetitions at a lower weight or resistance to reach fatigue, which is where your muscles start shaking, and you feel like you just cannot do anymore. This month revs up your metabolism and gets your muscles working. The second month is called the Push Phase. In this phase you lift heavy, and do fewer repetitions. The third month is called the Lean Phase and it brings it all home, and this is the month in which you see amazing results.

Today was only my second workout with this program. Let me tell you one thing... towards the end of the workout my muscles were jelly and shaking and I was trying to do push ups and I was yelling obscenities to the television. BUT I pushed passed that sweet amazing pain and I finished. I wanted to cry. Its such an intense program and I was feeling some really intense emotions. Most of all I felt pride that I finished something that was hard for me. It was hard for me to get up and do the workout today. It really was. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to move. I wanted to wallow in my depression because that is the easy thing to do, and that is what I am used to. But I forced myself to get up, and I forced myself to push play, and I am so glad I did. I cannot wait to feel stronger and stronger. I cannot wait to build muscle. I cannot wait to see how this changes my body. Most of all I cannot wait to see how I change as a person. I can only hope I become stronger mentally and emotionally as well

And the Award Goes to....

US!  Brandi over at Ohhhh... Flaxy Lady likes our blog so much that she gave us the

Thank you so much Brandi!  We're very honored. :)

Now, the nitty gritty of this award...

1. Link back to the person who gave the award to you
2. Share seven things about yourself
3. Pass the award on to recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact those bloggers and tell them they’ve won.

Since there are 2 of us, lucky you, you get 7 things about each of us!

Heidi's 7 Things:

1) I live in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan, on the border of WI, deep in the heart of Packer country. We are so proud and excited for the superbowl!

2) I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I get horrible headaches without it. I'd like to wean myself off, but for now its an indulgence that I hang on to.

3) I love music. I live for hard rock, metal and alternative music, but I will sing and dance to just about anything, just because I can't help myself.

4) I love to laugh, and I have a very inappropriate sense of humor. Tosh.0 is a favorite in our home, along with most anything on Adult Swim. Except for Squidbillies. I do not understand that show.

5) I am a huge reader. I read mostly Paranormal Romance novels. My favorite series ever are the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. JR Ward is a genius! I also love Gena Showalter, Kresley Cole, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Lara Adrian.

6) I am a horrible housekeeper. My house is constantly messy and out of control. I do not know how to change this, although I'd love to.

7) I keep the hours of a vampire. I work midnight shift and now my usual waking hours are all night long, and I get my best sleep during the day. If I have to sleep at night it takes me a long time to fall asleep, and I still am tired during the day. I complain about my job a lot, but I really do enjoy it. I get to help people who truly need it all night long and I wouldn't give that up for a good nights sleep!

Erin's 7 Things:

1.  Brian and I have been together almost 1/2 of my life.  We started dating when I was a sophomore in high school.  This November will be 15 years, and 1/2 of my life.  He still makes me feel like he did when we were in high school.  

2.  I stopped going to college after 3 years.  I never could decide what I wanted to be when I "grew up," so I stopped wasting my time and our money.  I've had lots of different jobs, and liked all of them for different reasons.  I've been a portrait photographer, CNA, medical biller (sorta), and nanny, to name a few.  If I had to go back to school for something, I would be a nurse. My favorite though would have to have been a barista (though not at Starbucks, sadly).  See #3 for clarification.

3.  I LIVE for coffee.  I drink it all.day.long.  All night, too.  And no, I don't switch to decaf at some point during the day.  I prefer it light and sweet, but I can do black if that's my only option.  I really, really like the Caffe Verona blend from Starbucks right now (you know, in case you wanted to help support my habit or something - jk).

4.  I am pretty creative.  I do lots of crafty things - I paint, sew, bake, design, decorate cakes and on and on and on.  I can't stick to just one thing ever, and always have about 100 projects going at once.

5.  I am not adventurous. I tend to stick the the straight and narrow whenever I can.  I don't even like to speed.  BUT, if give the chance, I would be on The Amazing Race in a heartbeat.  I don't care about the prize money... I just want to travel like that.

6.  I have a ridiculous memory for song lyrics.  I also have a very eclectic taste in music, so I can sing along with Miranda Lambert and Taylor Swift, then turn around and sing along with AC/DC and Def Leppard.  I consistently surprise my mom with the lyrics I know.

7.  In most relationships, it is the guy that is the techie.  Not mine.  I have a list of electronics that I want that's about a mile long.  An iPad , a Cricut , but the Holy Grail of electronics that I want right now is this - the Garmin Forerunner 305 .  Brian on the other hand is content with his vinyl albums and reel-to-reel tapes.  How  I managed to find an 85 year old man gallivanting around in a much younger guy's body, I will never know! :)

Now, for our nominations... in no particular order:

• Taking Less Space
• From the Couch to the Concrete
• Fat Like Me
• She Likes to Run
• Cupcakes to Carrot Sticks
• Singing for a Smaller Me

We enjoy these blogs, and we hope you'll check them out, too!

♥,

H & e




pssssttttt...... if you are keeping track, this is post #49!  You know what's next, right???

a new me?

I did it. I have reached a goal. I lost 75 pounds! I was exhausted at work when I weighed myself, and I didn't realize it until the next day. I was chatting with Erin when I made the connection. I cried. And I cried some more. It was an odd feeling. I was so emotional, yet disconnected. It was a relief, yet I'm still battling with this damn boulder in my way. I took a shower, and cried. I hurried up and got dressed, and had my son take some pictures. I wanted to compare pictures. I wanted to see if I could see a difference in myself. I needed evidence of this moment. I would have preferred to have had my hair dried and straightened, make up on my face and a clean living room, but I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair was wet, my face was blotchy from crying, and my living room was far from clean. That was MY moment though! I will never forget it!

Here is who I was:

and this was me at 277:
And this is the newest me. 257 pounds and 75 pounds lost!


I am finally able to see some difference in myself. Between the last two pictures I can see how my t-shirt is fitting me much better and not so tight in the gut area. The jeans I'm wearing in my new picture are the same jeans I wore in the first picture. They were very tight on me and uncomfortable. Now they are so baggy I cannot wear them!


Can you see how baggy they are in the leg and butt area? That feels like accomplishment to me. That is concrete evidence that I am changing my body and I am losing weight. I will NEVER get rid of these jeans. They will always be there as a reminder.

So, where did all that weight go? Right to my nose!!


I rewarded myself with finally getting my nose pierced. It was something I've wanted to do for 10 years and I am so happy I got it done. Its a physical representation of how far I've come. Maybe my tongue for 100lbs lost? Nah, no need to turn into a human pincushion. But I do have to come up with a reward for when I reach my goal in April.

I ordered a new workout program, and I am so excited to start it! ChaLEAN EXTREME. Its a strength/resistance training program that goes for 90 days. You can lose up to 60% body fat! Its going to help me remain accountable, since it will only work if you actually do the workouts LOL I love Turbo Jam, and I will always do it I think, but I have become bored with it because its not a challenge for me anymore. I know the moves and I know whats coming next. I needed something new to keep me engaged and keep my interest. My cousin has Turbo FIRE and we are going to trade our Turbo's for a little bit. I will be doing cardio along with the strength. I'm hoping for dramatic results! I'm going to try to follow Erin's system, or a version of it, for reward points for working out, and working towards a goal. That will help me stay accountable as well. I really do not know what I want, but I have to figure it out soon so I can get it going when my ChaLEAN EXTREME gets here. Should I work towards new workout clothes? New workout shoes? Maybe a new workout program? I'll figure it out, and as soon as I do I'll share it with you!

A good day!

From my post yesterday I'm sure you can tell that I felt at a stand still. That damned boulder was standing firm in my way. BUT its budged a smiggen. I am starting to peek around it and I can now see and face my journey once again!

Today I have had not one, but TWO NSV's!! TWO!!

Right now I am participating in a couple of challenges. The first challenge is a Shakeology challenge that my beach body coach is hosting. The challenge consists on drinking one Shakeology a day, dieting and exercising, and it is running for 21 days. Each Monday we send in our weight and our measurements. I was able to report that I lost a whopping one pound. Then I got out my tape measure and I realized that I lost 3 inches! I lost 3 inches this week! I even lost in my thighs which is the hardest part for me to lose in! I was very excited, and it motivated me more than anything else has lately. and I lost 1 inch off my hips.

Then I thought to myself "hmm, I wonder if I can fit into those jeans now." For Christmas my mother-in-law bought me some jeans. One pair in a size 22 which fit really well, and one pair in size 20, that were way to small I couldn't button them. I told my husband "That is okay because it won't be long until I can wear them. It gives me something to look forward to." As I was getting dressed for the day I decided to try them on. I pulled them up thinking "this isn't going to be good" but... I got them up. Then I tried to button them... and I was actually able to button them. I was even able to zip them! I cried! I have lost about 74lbs and I had only lost 1 jeans size. Now I can say I've lost 2! I can't believe it. This motivated me even more than the inches lost!

I needed these today. I KNOW I will win this battle!

All those bruises make me whole...

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. I've been lazy, and depressed, and disgusted with myself. I have stumbled and made a huge detour on my journey. I'm trying to turn around, and find my way back but there is a huge boulder and I can't seem to find my way around it, or up and over it.

I feel like I was doing so well for a while, and since I've taken this detour in my weight loss journey everything in my life got off track as well. My marriage, my parenting, my self-esteem. My marriage is back on track, my parenting has improved as well. My self-esteem is in the shitter and I don't know how to get it back. I think that is my biggest problem right now. Thank you depression! I know I am worth it, but the unreasonable nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I won't ever get to where I want to be. I have so far to go! I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

So... my project from here on out is to be nice to myself. I need to be my own best friend, and I need to push myself and prove it to myself that I am worth it, that I can and will do this! I have 27 pounds to lose until I reach my goal in April. I have to bust this out because I REFUSE to fail.

There is a song that has really been speaking to me lately. Stay the Same by Shaman's Harvest.

When I trample on my destiny
I'm cutting out the best in me
With an unskilled hand and a heavy heart
Beaten back
I aint wishin to see better days
So someone help collect the pain
I was blind but now I surely see
Was deaf now I began to sing
Oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But that ice that runs within your veins
Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same

I refuse to give up on myself and I cannot give up this journey. I cannot allow my fear of failure to shape my future. When I give into the failure I "trample on my destiny" and "cutting out the best in me"


Though the progress may sometimes seem slow
All those bruises make me whole
And I can not for the life of me
Worry bout the life in me
...
Won't apologize for who I am
You're hurting me because you can

I do think the progress is so slow. Much slower than I'd like it to be. And I have a long ways to go, and that is so frustrating. But the bruises, the journey, is going to be what makes me ME! This journey is shaping the person I am, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I can only pray that along this journey I become whole, and I learn to love the me I turn out to be.

And oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But the ice that runs within your veins

Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same
Can you say the same
Oh can you say the same
Can you say the same

I've kept up this fight for this past year and a half, almost 2 years. I'll continue to fight as long as I need to to make myself alright. I totally feeling like screaming until my lungs turn blue. I'm fighting the fight of my life, and I'm fighting against myself. How messed up is that? But its true. At the end I will be able to say that I've changed. This fight is about so much more than my weight. Its for my health, my future, my self worth, and love for myself. Someday I'll figure it all out.

So, for now, I'm barricaded by fear of failure, self-loathing, disgust and disappointment. But, I'm keeping up the fight! I'll find a way around the boulder and I'll be able to look up the mountain with a renewed spirit, and excitement for the future!

Happy 1/1/11!!! What are your goals for this year?

I am so excited for this new year! 2010 wasn't a bad year. In fact it brought many victories, and many laughs. But 2011 is going to be MY year! I am going to accomplish more in this year than any years in the past. I am going to get organized, I am going to set and reach goals I never thought I'd be able to even think about. NEW YEAR NEW ME!!

another new beginning

I am SO HAPPY the holidays are over! I am SO HAPPY I no longer have an excuse to eat cookies, and sweets, and carbs, and junk. I got on the scale at work tonight and it was not good. Not good at all. I am sick of my cravings ruling me. I am so sick of the scale ruling me. So today is day 1 of "shock my system into losing a shit ton of weight" My plan includes: drinking more water than diet pepsi, eating lots of protein and very little carbs. I'm only planning on this being initially. I have got to cut my carb cravings and its gonna have to be cold turkey. Once I've lost this weight I gained back I will eat more carbs and get back to a more normal diet. But for now this is the way its gotta be. I worked a 12 hour shift last night, and I am exhausted. I won't get any exercise in today since I need to sleep, and my house is in need of attention. I work again tonight, and tomorrow night. I want to commit to doing Ab Jam everyday, but I'm not sure how realistic that is since I'm having a hell of a time finding time for anything lately. For today I'm watching what I eat and drink. Today is another new beginning!!!!!!!

Its not good.

I am ashamed. There is no other way to say it. I haven't exercised in weeks. I haven't fallen completely off my diet, but it hasn't been the greatest either. I'm in a rut. I'm suffering a mental block. I don't know the exact reason why I've gotten so far off track. All I know is that I'm here, and I don't know how to fix it.

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). My entire life I have never had a normal menstrual cycle unless I was on birth control, or fertility medication. Until this past year at least. For a good six months my period came at the end of the month without fail. During this time I'd have the weirdest symptoms then after those symptoms subsided I'd get very depressed. Severely depressed. Then I'd get my period and I'd feel normal again. It took me a few months to realize that the symptoms I was feeling was my ovulating, and I was suffering some sort of post ovulation depression. Well, my periods ceased for a few months. It came back last month, along with the severe post ovulation depression. That was the beginning of my downfall.

Then work got crazy. A PM shifter was let go, so one of my midnight shift co-workers filled in her spot, and I filled in my co-workers shifts when it was possible. I'm a part timer. I like being a part timer. So here I am working full time hours, not used to it. Depressed, and sleeping my days away. Exercise went to the wayside because I really didn't have time.

Just as I'm starting to pull myself out of the trench, tragedy tore our small community apart. A 15 year old sophomore at a local high school held his classmates and teacher hostage with 2 handguns. It all ended with the police storming the room, and this child shooting himself. He died the next day. Now I wasn't involved personally, nor did I know anyone involved. But, we used to live a mile down the road from this high school. My husband works in this town. As a parent, as a human, I was terrified for those kids and their parents. I cried for them.

The next morning I dropped my son off at school My old high school welcomed alumni to sing with the high school chorus for the christmas concert. I was heading into town to practice with the chorus class when I got a call. It was Jamie, a close friend, co-worker and my husbands cousin. She informed me that my sons school was on lockdown, surrounded by cop cars and fire trucks, and there was a bomb threat. I was terrified! I turned around and went straight to his school. I didn't know if he was afraid, if the school was going to evacuate or if they would dismiss the students. The elementary school was on lockdown, but they didn't receive the threat, and they were safe, and going on as usual. The high school, however, was another story. Jamie's daughter attends that school as well as other cousins. My house is across the street from the high school, surrounded by the drama. We were all very thankful when the kids were signed out and released. And relieved when hours later two bomb sniffing dogs cleared the building. I swear it took years off from my life though.

Last night was the alumni concert. I went on stage with zero practice, and not knowing two of the songs. I was pretty much terrified. It went alright though. It was a late night. We went out to eat afterwords, and bowled a game as well. Didn't get home until 10:30. Poor Ethan was so patient and was so well behaved he deserved to have some fun.

That leads me to today. I slept for a full 12 hours last night. And in all honesty I've been on the couch reading and surfing the net since I woke up. I have to work tonight, and I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow. I'm working full time hours again this month. I'm exhausted at the thought. I want daylight hours in which to do what I need to do. I want privacy to workout. I want time to reflect and plan. I don't have that time. My life, at the moment, is taking care of others. I am a caregiver, but it often gets to the point where I don't take care of myself. I NEED the quiet time. I need time to chill on facebook. I need time to read. I need time to listen to music and chat with friends. I need time to breath!

SO, there it is. I'm struggling. I haven't gained any weight, thankfully, but I cannot seem to get my head back into the game. I'm feeling selfish, and quite frankly, lazy.

weigh day

I dreaded this weeks weigh in day. I really did! I fell off the wagon. I ate horribly and didn't exercise. I was depressed, and it was all I could do to fight back the tears everyday. I got on the scale though. And I was surprised to see that I lost 2 pounds! It was the boost and the kick in the pants that I needed! My total weight loss to date is 68 pounds. I am 7 pounds away from getting my nose pierced. I am so excited! I've wanted my nose pierced since I was in high school! Its something silly and selfish that I am doing for nobody but myself! And I cannot wait! Next week I WILL be able to say that I've lost 70 pounds!

I'm working more hours lately, which is keeping me busy. I had my days planned out and a pretty good routine going before this influx of work hours. But, that is out the window until further notice. I am hoping to get a new routine going. I haven't worked out since before thanksgiving and I'm feeling pretty crappy about that. I plan on working out tonight. I'm hoping to get a good workout in tomorrow. I have to say, though, that I have a physically demanding job. Its 8 hours of constant movement, so I know I burn a lot of cals while I am working, so at least that is something.

I have to go shopping for a new pair of dress pants, and I'm actually a little bit excited about it. I am currently in a size **eep** 24. All of my pants are big on me now, so I know I'm at least one size smaller... I'm hoping I get a nice surprise and maybe be two sizes smaller. A girl can dream right?!

Nothing is going to get me down!

Last night was weigh day. I lost a pound. I know a pound is better than nothing, but I exercised almost everyday. I ate relatively well. There were a few meals in which I didn't chose the healthiest things, but I stayed within my calorie limits. I'm at a point in which the weight is not melting off the way I really want it too. The little voice in the back of my mind is telling me to do go Atkins, or do the Shakeology cleanse to drop pounds fast, thinking it'll give me a boost. But... the I really don't want to do either. I want to eat healthy everyday without cutting anything out of my diet. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat and I want to stay within those limits. I can't help but be a *little* bit disappointed in only losing a pound. This pound is off for life, and its a pound I will never have to lose again, and that is nothing to be disappointed about.

I let the number on the scale rule me too much. So I am going to follow the advice of my nurse at work, and I am going to skip my weigh in next week. When I get on that scale in 2 weeks I will be mid 260's and that will be a great great feeling!

I also have to make a confession. I am a depressed person. I have suffered clinical depression for a good portion of my life. Along with that I suffer anxiety. Since I have started exercising regularly I have not had to take any of my anxiety medication. I have been HAPPY! I am not letting stress get to me. I am smiling, and I am laughing. I want to dance!! In fact I have made a commitment to have regular dance parties. Granted I will be dancing with no one but myself but I can't wait to CRANK up the music and just dance!

There are NO quick fixes!!

I am having a very good day today! I love days like these. Days when I wake up and know what I'm going to do, what and when I'm going to eat. There is no guess work, and the routine is comforting. Most of all I know it works. I've seen results! This is (slowly) becoming a passion for me, and I hope I can someday help motivate others to start, or continue, their own weight loss journey.

I woke up, and got my son off to school. I came home and had my Shakeology. I just got done with my work out. I did the 20 minute Turbo Jam, and the standing Ab Jam. I did the Turbo Jam full impact (for the most part) and I got my heart rate up to 90% during the Turbo. I did the standing Ab Jam because I still had energy and I wanted to do the whole Ab Jam. But then I got done with the standing and I was exhausted LOL According to my heart rate monitor I burned about 650 cals this past hour. I ate a bowl of my homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch. I was bad and didn't have a snack, but I need to go grocery shopping. We really do not have much in the house.

I feel like Erin and I are really accomplishing something with, not only our weight loss, but our health in general. We are doing it the old fashioned way, which is the only way for me. I've thought seriously about using pills, even went as far as asking my doctor about them. I've thought seriously about bariatric surgery at one point. I've even thought about doing extreme cleanses to lose weight quickly. I've read up on all of these different ways of losing weight. And it all come back to the fact that major lifestyle choices are necessary to maintain weight loss. And there can be serious side effects with pills, surgeries and cleanses.

One major weight loss medication is Phentermine. Phentermine is a stimulant as well as an appetite suppressant. It is supposed to be prescribed to those who are morbidly obese with risk factors to the persons health such as diabetes, or high blood pressure. Phentermine is also habit forming, and can cause "unpleasant side effects" upon sudden withdrawal. Yeah, it works, but if during the time a person uses this medication they do not learn how to eat properly as well as start on an exercise program and stay with it, they are going to gain the weight back as soon as they stop using the medication. There are reasons I am overweight. I was a chronic over-eater, I ate junk food, processed food, a lot of carbohydrates, very little fruits and veggies. I lived a sedentary lifestyle. If I were to take Phentermine, and continue that lifestyle sure I'd lose weight, but where would I be when I quit taking the medication? Right back to where I started. Only now I'll know what it felt like to fit in the smaller jeans. I'd be defeated and deflated!

Alli, is an over the counter medication, that helps the body block the fat that would otherwise be absorbed in the body. Now there are some really really nasty side effects if you eat over the recommended amount of fat in your diet. I'm not going to list the side effects here, but I'll give you this link. Go about 3/4 down the page and you'll see a whole list. http://www.drugs.com/alli.html Yes it is said that if you eat the reduced fat diet that is recommended with Alli then the side effects are greatly reduced. BUT we should be eating a reduced fat diet anyways. Our bodies do, in fact, need some fat for healthy skin, hair, joints, etc. Blocking all fat is not a good thing. If we cut back on our fat intake, and eat the right kinds of fats (such as mono-unsaturated fats, as well as poly-unsaturated fats) and we exercise we will be lose weight. And we will be doing it in a healthy way.

I do see the need, and the benefit for many people that do, in fact, need bariatric surgery. I feel it can truly be a blessing to those who need it! I know, however, that it is not for me. My highest weight was 332 pounds. I was miserable and felt like I'd never lose weight. But then I walked in the doors to the Biggest Loser Club meeting that night back in April 2009. And I put in the effort. I lost seven pounds the first week of the challenge. I knew then that I COULD DO IT! Since that first night I have lost 61 pounds. I am on track for reaching my main goal of losing 100 pounds in two years. By April I WILL have lost 100 pounds. So I know I can do it. And I feel so blessed and lucky that I am one who can do this. I know many cannot. I also know of at least three people who have had bariatric surgery in some form or another, and who are now extremely morbidly obese. One woman is a friend of my cousin. She had lapband put in. She never changed the way she ate, never changed her activity level, does not exercise and hasn't lost a pound. NOT ONE! The other two people make me sad. To have gone through all the pain and recovery from surgery and then lost all that weight, only to put it back on plus would be the worst kind of failure for me. If I can't change my life NOW, I can't change it after the fact, and I refuse to put myself through that, nor do I see the need seeing as how I am doing this on my own. I have to add, though, that Erin and I have a mutual online friend who had major bariatric surgery at he beginning of June, and has lost 62 pounds so far according to her ticker. I wish her so much happiness and success because she really truly deserves it. Love ya Kacy!

There have been a lot of talk on cleanses as well. I view these as a quick fix honestly. Our body naturally cleanses itself. That is what our liver and kidneys do. They filter out the toxins and our body gets rid of it as waste. Yes, if we extremely limit our calorie intake and take laxatives or excess fiber we are going to get rid of some poundage. But it won't be of "toxins" or of fat. We will lose muscle because our body goes into starvation mode. Again once the cleanse is over, weight will come back on, and now you gotta work harder to regain muscle mass. Another tip, muscle burns more calories than fat does. So these cleanses actually kick ya in the ass twice. Just sayin'....

Healthy diet and exercise go a long long way! Its not just the "old fashioned" way of doing it. Its the only way that really works. If you decide to use medications, pills, or surgeries to help you along, you HAVE to do the work! There are no quick fixes!

We're doing it!

Last week was a good week for me. My weigh day was friday and I lost 3 pounds!! That makes 8lbs, I think, from when Erin and I started this journey together, and 61lbs total! I worked really hard last week, and that was a great reward! Another great reward.... having to pull up my pants at work! My husbands aunt handed down some scrubs to me. They've always been a bit tight in the upper thigh area and fit just right in the waist. Big in all areas now!! My undies are even big! My bras are too big now too. I can't wait go shopping for some smaller clothes. I am going to hold out for a little bit though. I want to skip the 22's and go straight to the 20's, or maybe even 18's. That would be a great feeling!

So, what am I doing to stay on track? I am eating every 2 1/2-3 hours. I've never been a big breakfast person, but I am eating as soon as I get Ethan to school, or very shortly after waking up. then a couple hours later I'll eat a banana or an apple. Then for lunch I am having Shakeology, which is complete nutrition in a glass and only 140 cals. Then another lil something, usually carrots, while I'm making supper, and then of course supper. I try to be done eating after supper. I had one day last week that I felt like I ate a lot of food, and thought for sure I really went over my calories by a lot. But I entered in everything I ate into myfitnesspal.com and found out I actually came UNDER my calorie goal! I am trying to eat clean, and lean. Trying to pump up the protein, and lower my carb consumption. The carbs I eat are always whole wheat, or in my fruits and veggie's. I won't eat white anymore. No potatoes, white rice, pastas, breads, etc.

I am also getting more routined and disciplined with my workouts. Turbo Jam is so much fun, and I am seeing such a difference in my energy level and stamina. I also added some strength training last week. I only used 3lbs weights and I only did one strength workout but I really felt it! I'm hoping to do 2 strength workouts this week, along with my cardio and ab workouts. I can't wait to measure myself again to see how many inches I have lost!

I only have 9 pounds to lose before I can say I've lost 70 pounds! And I only have 14 pounds to lose before I can get my nose pierced! I can't wait! I am so proud to say that Erin and I are working this, and we are DOING IT!!

A new day

Today is a new day and thank goodness for that! Last week sucked! My husband had surgery on Friday, spent Friday night in the hospital and on was able to come home on Saturday. I worked last night. I didn't get much sleep this morning but that is okay because I can sleep tonight. So far today is a good day. I've been annoyed by a few situations, but I am learning to deal with my emotions in ways other than food, and that is a positive direction to move in.

With all the stress that came with last week I gained a pound :( I am disappointed, but I won't let this stop me from my mission! This week shouldn't be half as busy, and chaotic, and stressful as last week was, so I have no excuses. My husband is also motivated and excited to live a healthier life. He is on board with me 100%, and this is very important to me. Once he's healed from his surgery he is going to exercise with me as well.

Life got in the way!

Please excuse my last blog post. I had a bad day, and I let the stress get to me. I felt that everything was out of my control, and I wasn't dealing well with the frustration. Life got in the way! I have PCOS, and (TMI warning) I had just gotten my period after its been absent for three months. We had taken a ride to Green Bay and eaten horrible the entire day. Work was stressful. My husband hasn't been feeling well, been missing work, and was in the ER. I kept my son home from school on Tuesday. School was called off yesterday because of the wind storm. I didn't have the quiet time to myself that I usually do during the week. I use that time to workout, plan what I eat, and take care of myself. Without that time I felt out of control, and I didn't like it at all.

I am a caregiver by nature. I'm a CNA, a wife, a mom. I love my job (most of the time LOL), I love my husband and my son more than anything. What I'm learning, though, is that I have to take care of myself as well, and that I cannot take care of everyone's needs all the time. So, I have learned to exercise when I want/need to exercise, no matter who else is around, or what else is going on. I had a major fear of working out in front of my husband. While I still experience anxiety over it, I have to just do it, and I have! Ethan even Turbo Jam'd with me the other day. I have also learned to ask for help. After my husband got out of the ER the other day I had to stop and get gas. Our gas station is attached to an A&W, and I had a craving for cheese curds. I asked my hubby "are you hungry? Cause we can head through the drive-thru. I want cheese curds." He was amazing, and he talked me out of it! Then last night I had slept all day after working. The last thing I want to worry about when I wake up is supper. I told him that he was in charge cause I wasn't making anything. He took Ethan to the grocery store. He made a big, beautiful spinach salad. It was super healthy and filling! I was able to eat healthy all day because of his support!

I also have created a mini support system of friends online. Erin is one of my biggest supports and motivation. She is completely rocking her Couch to 5K program! I became a beachbody coach to help hold myself accountable.

In the end we all have to reach out for help and support. We cannot do this on our own. At least I know I can't! I know that the feelings of being out of control is a trigger for destructive behavior that will derail me. When I get those feelings I will reach out. I will ask for help. I will find time to exercise when I feel I need it.

Frustrated

I am so frustrated. And I feel selfish because I am frustrated. I am a wife and a mother, and my family comes before myself always. Usually I can take time for myself, and I find that I really need that time to stay sane, and stay the course of this journey. Unfortunately lately I can't find this time. My husband is having a very personal pain issue, and is off from work for the rest of this week at least, probably next week as well. I've been spending more time in the car, which means more fast food temptation. I've been working which means I am exhausted and crabby, which usually also means I don't want to have to worry about what I'm eating. Today I came home from work, and my son was sick, so I got him situated and fed, and I climbed on the couch. I slept for 2 hours before my husband woke me up needing me to take him to the ER because his pain was so out of control. So I woke up, showered, got my son to my mother-in-laws house, took my husband to the ER, then to his work to get everything situated with his needed time off. Then it was to the pharmacy, to MIL's, back to the pharmacy, to the grocery store and home. I ate something quick, and easy and layed down to sleep some more. I had to take a 5 Hour Energy at the hospital because I was falling asleep in the waiting room. I slept about 3-4 more hours this afternoon. I had no time to exercise today. I had no energy to worry about what I was eating today. Tomorrow I have to sleep, and get my paycheck into my checking account. Thursday my husband has an appointment with the surgeon, and then hopefully he'll have surgery to take care of the issue very shortly after that. Between all of that I have to take care of my husband, take care of my son. But, that means I have no time left to care for myself. I feel very frustrated right now, and with the frustration comes feeling of selfishness. But, no time for that because it is now time for me to get my scrubs on and go to work.