*ahem* Forget about me?

It's okay.  I did too.  I took myself off the list again.  I let life happen and put lots of other people in front of me and my health.

I am trying to get back to me near the top.  At the top seems so hard for me with 2 kids not in school yet. It seems like someone always needs something.  I know it's stupid to not put me first and foremost, but I haven't quite figured out how to make an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I started over with the Couch to 5k program.  I just finished Week 2.  I didn't want to come post right away, kind of because I needed to prove to me that I was ready to do this again, and was serious about it.  Not a "Oh hooray! Look at me!" kind of post.

So, good things about this -

• I started over at a faster pace than I did the first time.
• I know I can do it because I've already been there, run that. :)
• I have the shoes already (and let's face it, every girl needs the right pair of shoes)
• I know how to make it work for me

Not so good things - 

• I don't seem to be getting the same runner's high as I was before.  It still feels slightly torturous.
• I have been dealing with costochondritis since July, and since I am such a big fan of doctors, well... yeah.

That's how it is now.  I know Heidi's been dealing with some stuff too, but she's working on getting back here, too.  So don't lose hope in us.  We're just struggling a little is all. :)

Rough Day...

Today has been hard for me.  Really hard.  I got on the scale to see just how much I've gained back.  17lbs.  Ouch!  I am so mad at myself, and for letting everything be more important than me again.

This starts such a spiral in me, too.  It's where the "what does it matter" thoughts come from.  And the "it's never going to happen" thoughts.

I HAVE to get back on track.  And I need to learn to like me again.  I think part of the down in the dumps crap is all part of being female and having wacked out hormones for part of the month.  And part of it is that I realize NOW how much better I felt.  It sure didn't seem like I was getting anywhere, but I know better now.  Why is it that hindsight is always 20/20?  And why is it that getting back there now seems so much harder than it did before?

I wish someone could give me answers to these questions, though they are more rhetorical than anything.  Tomorrow is another day, and I will do something for me to make me feel better... I just need to figure out what it is.

A Letter to Me

 Dear Me,

You're stuck.  I get that. Getting below 235 seems like the impossible right now.  You are amazing at self-sabotage.  The scale showing 240 again today proves that.

What I don't get is WHY???  What is it about 230 that seems so scary to you?  It has to be fear that's keeping you from moving forward.  It's not lack of knowledge.  You know what to do, and how to do it.

You've been doing great (for the most part) with exercising and running.  Last week you even ran your first sub 15:00 minute mile!  That's HUGE!  That's FIVE MINUTES less than when you started, PER MILE!

I wish you could see what other people seem to see.  And stop being so damn self-critical.  You're not going to be perfect, ever. No one is.  Get over it and on with it.

Rather than focusing on what you can't do right now, it seems about damn time we start focusing on what you CAN again.  You CAN run so much farther and faster than you could in October.  You have stuck with this since then, too.  That's 5 months.  That in and of itself is amazing.  This is a life change for you.  Not something temporary.  Better get used to the idea, though I do have to say that your outlook for the most part is a positive one.  Not wanting to lose any more ground is a good place to be.

I know you can do this, and more importantly, I know you WILL do this.  We just gotta find a way to get around, or over, under, through, whatever, this boulder in the road!

♥,
me

P.S.  You finally found a 5k to run!  GOOD JOB!  The Salt Lake City Adoption 5k Family Fun Run and Walk is only 6 weeks away.  Stop being scared.  You can do this.  You will be great!  :)  And I know there will be a few people excited to hear about your first race.  So breathe.  just breathe.

Broken... and Monday Weigh Day 1/31

Broken.  It's how I am feeling today.  I got on the scale hoping for a loss.  One stupid pound would have made my day.  What did I get?  Another big fat 235.  Again.

I couldn't help myself, and just cried.  I told Brian I was ready to stop, and didn't care. The tears streaming down my face said otherwise.  The words were just my way of trying to hide my insecurities and fear though.  I know the scale is not the best judge of progress, it's just the most convenient.  But knowing that in my heart doesn't mean my head wants to listen.  I do care.  I am not content to stop here.  But this mental game is hard.  So much harder than the work.

 ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

Object:  Lower the number you see each time you step on the scale.

Strategy:  Expend more calories than you consume.  For every 3500 calorie deficit, you will lose one pound.

Tools:  Exercise, nutritional labels on foods, willpower. **

Players: 1 **

Winning the game:  Set your sights on a goal, and actually make it there.

** other tools available, though not always used, include: friends, family, huge support networks.  People with these tools in place tend to do better than others.  As such, playing this game with someone else will increase your ability to play, and ultimately win, thus making this a multi-player game if done correctly. 

♦♦♦

New in this edition -   To make the game more interesting, we've included the most difficult option we could come up with!  We like to call it, "Your HEAD!"  If you can overcome your HEAD and still manage to lose weight, fabulous.  Please remember your HEAD will throw things at you that are difficult to surpass - fear of failure, lack of self-worth, doubt, just to name a few.

Reviews for ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

"Whoa!  This game was intense.  I was plodding along, doing great, when out of left field, my HEAD got in the way.  Made it hard to want to play anymore."

"Intense.  How people overcome your HEAD still is a mystery to me.  I haven't finished the game yet."

"Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition is so much harder than I had expected.  It's 99.8% about overcoming your HEAD, and .02% about doing the work. "

I am still plodding along though.  I want so much more than 235.  I have to break it, instead of letting it break me.  So I ran this morning, even though I didn't want to.  I pushed it hard, even though I didn't want to.  Because though I didn't want those things, I DO want what they will get me.  So even though I don't like them today, I am using them to get me what I want.

For me, this is where it ends today.  Call it self preservation if you will.  I know I am.


*I apologize for the "poor me" post today, especially to Heidi.  I hate feeling like I am raining on her HUGE victory post.  I just can't beat this broken feeling today.  I fully expect to be back to my ass kicking ways soon. ♥

 

 

All those bruises make me whole...

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. I've been lazy, and depressed, and disgusted with myself. I have stumbled and made a huge detour on my journey. I'm trying to turn around, and find my way back but there is a huge boulder and I can't seem to find my way around it, or up and over it.

I feel like I was doing so well for a while, and since I've taken this detour in my weight loss journey everything in my life got off track as well. My marriage, my parenting, my self-esteem. My marriage is back on track, my parenting has improved as well. My self-esteem is in the shitter and I don't know how to get it back. I think that is my biggest problem right now. Thank you depression! I know I am worth it, but the unreasonable nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I won't ever get to where I want to be. I have so far to go! I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

So... my project from here on out is to be nice to myself. I need to be my own best friend, and I need to push myself and prove it to myself that I am worth it, that I can and will do this! I have 27 pounds to lose until I reach my goal in April. I have to bust this out because I REFUSE to fail.

There is a song that has really been speaking to me lately. Stay the Same by Shaman's Harvest.

When I trample on my destiny
I'm cutting out the best in me
With an unskilled hand and a heavy heart
Beaten back
I aint wishin to see better days
So someone help collect the pain
I was blind but now I surely see
Was deaf now I began to sing
Oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But that ice that runs within your veins
Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same

I refuse to give up on myself and I cannot give up this journey. I cannot allow my fear of failure to shape my future. When I give into the failure I "trample on my destiny" and "cutting out the best in me"


Though the progress may sometimes seem slow
All those bruises make me whole
And I can not for the life of me
Worry bout the life in me
...
Won't apologize for who I am
You're hurting me because you can

I do think the progress is so slow. Much slower than I'd like it to be. And I have a long ways to go, and that is so frustrating. But the bruises, the journey, is going to be what makes me ME! This journey is shaping the person I am, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I can only pray that along this journey I become whole, and I learn to love the me I turn out to be.

And oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But the ice that runs within your veins

Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same
Can you say the same
Oh can you say the same
Can you say the same

I've kept up this fight for this past year and a half, almost 2 years. I'll continue to fight as long as I need to to make myself alright. I totally feeling like screaming until my lungs turn blue. I'm fighting the fight of my life, and I'm fighting against myself. How messed up is that? But its true. At the end I will be able to say that I've changed. This fight is about so much more than my weight. Its for my health, my future, my self worth, and love for myself. Someday I'll figure it all out.

So, for now, I'm barricaded by fear of failure, self-loathing, disgust and disappointment. But, I'm keeping up the fight! I'll find a way around the boulder and I'll be able to look up the mountain with a renewed spirit, and excitement for the future!

Its not good.

I am ashamed. There is no other way to say it. I haven't exercised in weeks. I haven't fallen completely off my diet, but it hasn't been the greatest either. I'm in a rut. I'm suffering a mental block. I don't know the exact reason why I've gotten so far off track. All I know is that I'm here, and I don't know how to fix it.

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). My entire life I have never had a normal menstrual cycle unless I was on birth control, or fertility medication. Until this past year at least. For a good six months my period came at the end of the month without fail. During this time I'd have the weirdest symptoms then after those symptoms subsided I'd get very depressed. Severely depressed. Then I'd get my period and I'd feel normal again. It took me a few months to realize that the symptoms I was feeling was my ovulating, and I was suffering some sort of post ovulation depression. Well, my periods ceased for a few months. It came back last month, along with the severe post ovulation depression. That was the beginning of my downfall.

Then work got crazy. A PM shifter was let go, so one of my midnight shift co-workers filled in her spot, and I filled in my co-workers shifts when it was possible. I'm a part timer. I like being a part timer. So here I am working full time hours, not used to it. Depressed, and sleeping my days away. Exercise went to the wayside because I really didn't have time.

Just as I'm starting to pull myself out of the trench, tragedy tore our small community apart. A 15 year old sophomore at a local high school held his classmates and teacher hostage with 2 handguns. It all ended with the police storming the room, and this child shooting himself. He died the next day. Now I wasn't involved personally, nor did I know anyone involved. But, we used to live a mile down the road from this high school. My husband works in this town. As a parent, as a human, I was terrified for those kids and their parents. I cried for them.

The next morning I dropped my son off at school My old high school welcomed alumni to sing with the high school chorus for the christmas concert. I was heading into town to practice with the chorus class when I got a call. It was Jamie, a close friend, co-worker and my husbands cousin. She informed me that my sons school was on lockdown, surrounded by cop cars and fire trucks, and there was a bomb threat. I was terrified! I turned around and went straight to his school. I didn't know if he was afraid, if the school was going to evacuate or if they would dismiss the students. The elementary school was on lockdown, but they didn't receive the threat, and they were safe, and going on as usual. The high school, however, was another story. Jamie's daughter attends that school as well as other cousins. My house is across the street from the high school, surrounded by the drama. We were all very thankful when the kids were signed out and released. And relieved when hours later two bomb sniffing dogs cleared the building. I swear it took years off from my life though.

Last night was the alumni concert. I went on stage with zero practice, and not knowing two of the songs. I was pretty much terrified. It went alright though. It was a late night. We went out to eat afterwords, and bowled a game as well. Didn't get home until 10:30. Poor Ethan was so patient and was so well behaved he deserved to have some fun.

That leads me to today. I slept for a full 12 hours last night. And in all honesty I've been on the couch reading and surfing the net since I woke up. I have to work tonight, and I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow. I'm working full time hours again this month. I'm exhausted at the thought. I want daylight hours in which to do what I need to do. I want privacy to workout. I want time to reflect and plan. I don't have that time. My life, at the moment, is taking care of others. I am a caregiver, but it often gets to the point where I don't take care of myself. I NEED the quiet time. I need time to chill on facebook. I need time to read. I need time to listen to music and chat with friends. I need time to breath!

SO, there it is. I'm struggling. I haven't gained any weight, thankfully, but I cannot seem to get my head back into the game. I'm feeling selfish, and quite frankly, lazy.