All those bruises make me whole...

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. I've been lazy, and depressed, and disgusted with myself. I have stumbled and made a huge detour on my journey. I'm trying to turn around, and find my way back but there is a huge boulder and I can't seem to find my way around it, or up and over it.

I feel like I was doing so well for a while, and since I've taken this detour in my weight loss journey everything in my life got off track as well. My marriage, my parenting, my self-esteem. My marriage is back on track, my parenting has improved as well. My self-esteem is in the shitter and I don't know how to get it back. I think that is my biggest problem right now. Thank you depression! I know I am worth it, but the unreasonable nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I won't ever get to where I want to be. I have so far to go! I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

So... my project from here on out is to be nice to myself. I need to be my own best friend, and I need to push myself and prove it to myself that I am worth it, that I can and will do this! I have 27 pounds to lose until I reach my goal in April. I have to bust this out because I REFUSE to fail.

There is a song that has really been speaking to me lately. Stay the Same by Shaman's Harvest.

When I trample on my destiny
I'm cutting out the best in me
With an unskilled hand and a heavy heart
Beaten back
I aint wishin to see better days
So someone help collect the pain
I was blind but now I surely see
Was deaf now I began to sing
Oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But that ice that runs within your veins
Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same

I refuse to give up on myself and I cannot give up this journey. I cannot allow my fear of failure to shape my future. When I give into the failure I "trample on my destiny" and "cutting out the best in me"


Though the progress may sometimes seem slow
All those bruises make me whole
And I can not for the life of me
Worry bout the life in me
...
Won't apologize for who I am
You're hurting me because you can

I do think the progress is so slow. Much slower than I'd like it to be. And I have a long ways to go, and that is so frustrating. But the bruises, the journey, is going to be what makes me ME! This journey is shaping the person I am, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I can only pray that along this journey I become whole, and I learn to love the me I turn out to be.

And oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But the ice that runs within your veins

Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same
Can you say the same
Oh can you say the same
Can you say the same

I've kept up this fight for this past year and a half, almost 2 years. I'll continue to fight as long as I need to to make myself alright. I totally feeling like screaming until my lungs turn blue. I'm fighting the fight of my life, and I'm fighting against myself. How messed up is that? But its true. At the end I will be able to say that I've changed. This fight is about so much more than my weight. Its for my health, my future, my self worth, and love for myself. Someday I'll figure it all out.

So, for now, I'm barricaded by fear of failure, self-loathing, disgust and disappointment. But, I'm keeping up the fight! I'll find a way around the boulder and I'll be able to look up the mountain with a renewed spirit, and excitement for the future!