Thursday, October 13, 2011


Hello everyone out there in Blogland... sorry its been so long! Life has certainly gotten in the way of me, and I've been tripping, and falling all over it. Still haven't quite caught my balance, although I'm hoping I land back on both feet soon. All I can do at this point is take it one step at a time.

Not only has life gotten in the way, its also been a complete and utter living nightmare. This past spring and summer life wasn't bad. It was busy, and depression got the best of me. With Ethan home on summer break, and working midnight shift I had to catch sleep when and where I could, as well as maintain some semblance of organization and finding time to have fun and create memories. Work was/is always stressful, and I have a hard time letting go of that stress on the door out of the building. It stays with me all day. Doesn't help an already depressed person get on with the day, I can tell you that much. But I got through it. During the end of summer my husband took charge and decided we were going to overhaul our grocery shopping and eating habits. Having him take the lead was so nice. It wasn't me nagging him, it was him nagging me for a change and we did it together. We were spending less money on our groceries, yet we were eating healthier than ever. I've realized that our local grocery store is a big trigger for me so I avoid it if at all possible. In late July I threw a huge birthday party for my husbands 30th birthday. It was so much fun. This was a turning point for my depression. I started feeling happy once again.

Then came fall. Ethan, my big and independent boy, started 2nd grade. Life was evening out, and it was better than it has been in a long time. Everything was ho-hum, boring, but good. Then I got the phone call....

Saturday September 24th 1:00pm I was woken up to the phone ringing. My husband handed me the phone. It was my aunt. I KNEW something wasn't right. When she asked if I was sitting down, it only furthered my panic. Then she said the words "Kenny passed away" See, I am the oldest of 5 kids. Kenny was the 2nd oldest of us. He was only 25! He lived with my grandma. Our Aunt Vicky went over that morning to can tomatoes with Grandma. It wasn't unusual for Ken to sleep in on weekends he didn't have to work. Around noon grandma decided to go check on him. She found him. He had passed away in his sleep.

I don't even know what to say. My heart was instantly shattered, and while I'm hoping that I am starting to heal, I know it won't ever be whole. Losing Kenny was worse than losing our mom. We may never know why he passed, but we do know that he passed peacefully, and he was in no pain. That is a blessing!

I'll spare you all the ugly details, but lets just say I've been coping through food... big time. Like a bag of chips a day kinda coping. Its been UGLY! Thats what we do in our family. We eat! But as we were sitting around my grandma's kitchen table my brother Matt brought up a very good point. He said there is NO REASON why any of us can't see a doctor, get a physical, and know whats going on with our bodies. I said "you know, you are right" and I called right at that moment and I made the appointment with my physician. I didn't realize how afraid I was that I might have had something wrong until I pulled in the parking lot. Its so much easier to live in the dark, and denial that there'd even be a possibility that I'd be unhealthy or sick in some major way. I needed to know though, because I need to be here for my family. The doc did the full work up. Even had an EKG. EKG, physical, and all the blood work they did all turned out PERFECT! YES even my cholesterol and triglycerides were within normal and healthy limits! Here I am 140 pounds overweight (if not more) and I am perfectly healthy! What a blessing! How amazing! Now if I could only get the pain from my PCOS (which my insulin level is great, and I am not on metformin so whoohoo on that one!) under control I'll be good to go!!

One thing my GYN recommended to me yesterday was to do 10 minutes of stretching every single day. Make it a non negotiable. I've been wanting to get into Yoga anyway. I can do 10 minutes! My plan is to take this good health and run with it! I CAN do it. I can maintain this clean bill of health that I've been given.

My plan for today and tomorrow: to not give into the fear and panic so much, to do my 10 minutes a day of stretching, to treat myself better by not eating as much junk. I'm giving myself permission to mourn as I need to as well. I miss him. The world isn't right without him here.

Friday, October 7, 2011

*ahem* Forget about me?

It's okay.  I did too.  I took myself off the list again.  I let life happen and put lots of other people in front of me and my health.

I am trying to get back to me near the top.  At the top seems so hard for me with 2 kids not in school yet. It seems like someone always needs something.  I know it's stupid to not put me first and foremost, but I haven't quite figured out how to make an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I started over with the Couch to 5k program.  I just finished Week 2.  I didn't want to come post right away, kind of because I needed to prove to me that I was ready to do this again, and was serious about it.  Not a "Oh hooray! Look at me!" kind of post.

So, good things about this -

  • I started over at a faster pace than I did the first time.
  • I know I can do it because I've already been there, run that. :)
  • I have the shoes already (and let's face it, every girl needs the right pair of shoes)
  • I know how to make it work for me
Not so good things - 
  • I don't seem to be getting the same runner's high as I was before.  It still feels slightly torturous.
  • I have been dealing with costochondritis since July, and since I am such a big fan of doctors, well... yeah.
That's how it is now.  I know Heidi's been dealing with some stuff too, but she's working on getting back here, too.  So don't lose hope in us.  We're just struggling a little is all. :)