Look at that - it's not even 10:00 here, and I've already done something to make me feel better. :) Aren't you proud of me? I even did something last night.
A few days ago, I decided to start the 100 Push-up Challenge again, but this time I am going to do them the "girly" way. I am a girl, so I might as well embrace it, huh? Seriously, I decided to do it because last time we got to a point on the challenge where it was moving up in repetitions faster than my muscles were building or weight was coming off (or a combination of the 2), and it was discouraging. So this time I am going to go with the girly way up to 100, and then start again. I did the exhaustion test that day, and surprised myself with 12! Last night at about 10:00 I figured there was no time like the present to start, so I did my pushups in my jammies.
Today I figured I would run again, since I know how awesome the runner's high is, and I could use that kind of feeling now especially. I've run a few times in the last couple weeks, and went back to the C25k intervals. I know the program works, so it's a good thing for me. I did Week 2 Day 2 this morning, and I feel great. I am trying hard to not focus on the negative, and just go with the positive.
Today has been hard for me. Really hard. I got on the scale to see just how much I've gained back. 17lbs. Ouch! I am so mad at myself, and for letting everything be more important than me again.
This starts such a spiral in me, too. It's where the "what does it matter" thoughts come from. And the "it's never going to happen" thoughts.
I HAVE to get back on track. And I need to learn to like me again. I think part of the down in the dumps crap is all part of being female and having wacked out hormones for part of the month. And part of it is that I realize NOW how much better I felt. It sure didn't seem like I was getting anywhere, but I know better now. Why is it that hindsight is always 20/20? And why is it that getting back there now seems so much harder than it did before?
I wish someone could give me answers to these questions, though they are more rhetorical than anything. Tomorrow is another day, and I will do something for me to make me feel better... I just need to figure out what it is.
So I've been pretty quiet. The quietness has been my refusal (or denial) to accept that I've lost a lot of ground. Both on the scale, and with the running. I could tell you all my excuses reasons why, but I won't. Because no matter what the issues were, it doesn't change the now. The simple fact is that I wasn't putting in the effort, and I wasn't eating like I should.
One thing I think that has put up a road block for me is fear of who I will be when I get to goal. Everyone talks about this "new person" they become when they lose weight, or go through any major life altering event. I don't WANT to change. I like who I am. Do they mean personality, or habits, or likes, or what? I don't do well with change. I am a planner. So I have a fear of myself. Pretty stupid and irrational, but I believe that's the definition of true fear. Why can't I shake it? Any suggestions you have on the matter would be HUGELY appreciated.
So I am trying to regain the ground I lost, and just find a "new normal" for me, and go with it. I want this, I want to be healthier, and know that I will be around for my boys, and that's my driving factor right now - the 3 (okay 4, Brian is one of the Rowdy Bunch, too) of them.