Broken... and Monday Weigh Day 1/31

Broken.  It's how I am feeling today.  I got on the scale hoping for a loss.  One stupid pound would have made my day.  What did I get?  Another big fat 235.  Again.

I couldn't help myself, and just cried.  I told Brian I was ready to stop, and didn't care. The tears streaming down my face said otherwise.  The words were just my way of trying to hide my insecurities and fear though.  I know the scale is not the best judge of progress, it's just the most convenient.  But knowing that in my heart doesn't mean my head wants to listen.  I do care.  I am not content to stop here.  But this mental game is hard.  So much harder than the work.

 ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

Object:  Lower the number you see each time you step on the scale.

Strategy:  Expend more calories than you consume.  For every 3500 calorie deficit, you will lose one pound.

Tools:  Exercise, nutritional labels on foods, willpower. **

Players: 1 **

Winning the game:  Set your sights on a goal, and actually make it there.

** other tools available, though not always used, include: friends, family, huge support networks.  People with these tools in place tend to do better than others.  As such, playing this game with someone else will increase your ability to play, and ultimately win, thus making this a multi-player game if done correctly. 

♦♦♦

New in this edition -   To make the game more interesting, we've included the most difficult option we could come up with!  We like to call it, "Your HEAD!"  If you can overcome your HEAD and still manage to lose weight, fabulous.  Please remember your HEAD will throw things at you that are difficult to surpass - fear of failure, lack of self-worth, doubt, just to name a few.

Reviews for ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

"Whoa!  This game was intense.  I was plodding along, doing great, when out of left field, my HEAD got in the way.  Made it hard to want to play anymore."

"Intense.  How people overcome your HEAD still is a mystery to me.  I haven't finished the game yet."

"Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition is so much harder than I had expected.  It's 99.8% about overcoming your HEAD, and .02% about doing the work. "

I am still plodding along though.  I want so much more than 235.  I have to break it, instead of letting it break me.  So I ran this morning, even though I didn't want to.  I pushed it hard, even though I didn't want to.  Because though I didn't want those things, I DO want what they will get me.  So even though I don't like them today, I am using them to get me what I want.

For me, this is where it ends today.  Call it self preservation if you will.  I know I am.


*I apologize for the "poor me" post today, especially to Heidi.  I hate feeling like I am raining on her HUGE victory post.  I just can't beat this broken feeling today.  I fully expect to be back to my ass kicking ways soon. ♥

 

 

a new me?

I did it. I have reached a goal. I lost 75 pounds! I was exhausted at work when I weighed myself, and I didn't realize it until the next day. I was chatting with Erin when I made the connection. I cried. And I cried some more. It was an odd feeling. I was so emotional, yet disconnected. It was a relief, yet I'm still battling with this damn boulder in my way. I took a shower, and cried. I hurried up and got dressed, and had my son take some pictures. I wanted to compare pictures. I wanted to see if I could see a difference in myself. I needed evidence of this moment. I would have preferred to have had my hair dried and straightened, make up on my face and a clean living room, but I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair was wet, my face was blotchy from crying, and my living room was far from clean. That was MY moment though! I will never forget it!

Here is who I was:

and this was me at 277:
And this is the newest me. 257 pounds and 75 pounds lost!


I am finally able to see some difference in myself. Between the last two pictures I can see how my t-shirt is fitting me much better and not so tight in the gut area. The jeans I'm wearing in my new picture are the same jeans I wore in the first picture. They were very tight on me and uncomfortable. Now they are so baggy I cannot wear them!


Can you see how baggy they are in the leg and butt area? That feels like accomplishment to me. That is concrete evidence that I am changing my body and I am losing weight. I will NEVER get rid of these jeans. They will always be there as a reminder.

So, where did all that weight go? Right to my nose!!


I rewarded myself with finally getting my nose pierced. It was something I've wanted to do for 10 years and I am so happy I got it done. Its a physical representation of how far I've come. Maybe my tongue for 100lbs lost? Nah, no need to turn into a human pincushion. But I do have to come up with a reward for when I reach my goal in April.

I ordered a new workout program, and I am so excited to start it! ChaLEAN EXTREME. Its a strength/resistance training program that goes for 90 days. You can lose up to 60% body fat! Its going to help me remain accountable, since it will only work if you actually do the workouts LOL I love Turbo Jam, and I will always do it I think, but I have become bored with it because its not a challenge for me anymore. I know the moves and I know whats coming next. I needed something new to keep me engaged and keep my interest. My cousin has Turbo FIRE and we are going to trade our Turbo's for a little bit. I will be doing cardio along with the strength. I'm hoping for dramatic results! I'm going to try to follow Erin's system, or a version of it, for reward points for working out, and working towards a goal. That will help me stay accountable as well. I really do not know what I want, but I have to figure it out soon so I can get it going when my ChaLEAN EXTREME gets here. Should I work towards new workout clothes? New workout shoes? Maybe a new workout program? I'll figure it out, and as soon as I do I'll share it with you!

Because I Can't Just Leave Well Enough Alone...

I am straying from my new running plan already.  Yeah, I know.  It hasn't even been a week.

But let me explain.  I am not going to change the frequency of my runs. I'm not even going to change how many miles I am planning on running -  for now.  I am just going to change my long run on Fridays a bit.  I started the Bridge to 10k running program today.  It's very very similar to the C25k program.  Even down to the I-look-ahead-and-freak-out part.  It just increases endurance and hopefully my speed a little at a time.  I love the set-up of the C25k, so I am thinking that the B210k will be just as awesome for me.  As the distance/time increases on the B210k plan, I will slowly up the ante on my other runs throughout the week, too.

I am on Day 3 of 4 this week, and am pretty happy with what I've gotten done.  I have my first 7+ mile week, and I ran 3.15 miles this morning on Day 1. It was a slower pace than my other 5k from 2 weeks ago, but that's okay.  I walked less than I did during that one, and I was sore sore sore from my day yesterday.

Monday, a friend gave me The Wave.  It really challenges your core, and I need all the help in that area that I can get.  I didn't have a chance to try it out until yesterday morning.  Let me just say this - doing lunges and squats while trying to keep you balance on a rocking platform is interesting.  And one hell of a workout.  I enjoyed it though.  Then, after I picked the Munchkin up from preschool, we headed to a friend's house for a play date.  About a mile before her house, I got S.T.U.C.K. in a huge snow drift.  In my defense, the road looked okay.  I could tell it had snow on it, but I never ever would have expected it to be like that.  I managed to call her before the cell phone died (oops!  guess I need to make sure I always have the car charger, huh?)  and tell her what was going on.  She sent 2 of her kids over to us with sleds and I pulled 90 lbs. of kid through 3 and 4 foot snow drifts to her house.  Talk about a workout!  I woke up this morning just aching.  Quite the adventures we have out here in the frozen tundra!

I am excited that this is our 46th blog post.  Heidi and I have been blogging away for almost 4 months.  Our 50th post is just around the corner!  And in case you've missed our NOT SO subtle hints, we have a give away coming up.  Something fun that I love!  Like maybe a fun piece of running (or any kind of workout, really) gear.  And maybe that post around the corner would be a good one to give it away in! :)  Keep your eyes peeled!

♥

A good day!

From my post yesterday I'm sure you can tell that I felt at a stand still. That damned boulder was standing firm in my way. BUT its budged a smiggen. I am starting to peek around it and I can now see and face my journey once again!

Today I have had not one, but TWO NSV's!! TWO!!

Right now I am participating in a couple of challenges. The first challenge is a Shakeology challenge that my beach body coach is hosting. The challenge consists on drinking one Shakeology a day, dieting and exercising, and it is running for 21 days. Each Monday we send in our weight and our measurements. I was able to report that I lost a whopping one pound. Then I got out my tape measure and I realized that I lost 3 inches! I lost 3 inches this week! I even lost in my thighs which is the hardest part for me to lose in! I was very excited, and it motivated me more than anything else has lately. and I lost 1 inch off my hips.

Then I thought to myself "hmm, I wonder if I can fit into those jeans now." For Christmas my mother-in-law bought me some jeans. One pair in a size 22 which fit really well, and one pair in size 20, that were way to small I couldn't button them. I told my husband "That is okay because it won't be long until I can wear them. It gives me something to look forward to." As I was getting dressed for the day I decided to try them on. I pulled them up thinking "this isn't going to be good" but... I got them up. Then I tried to button them... and I was actually able to button them. I was even able to zip them! I cried! I have lost about 74lbs and I had only lost 1 jeans size. Now I can say I've lost 2! I can't believe it. This motivated me even more than the inches lost!

I needed these today. I KNOW I will win this battle!

Monday Weigh Day - 1/24 and New Running Plan

Ugh.  Up a pound today.  I thought I'd have a pound or two down today.  I was yesterday... stupid scale.  Oh well, there's always next Monday, right?

Moving on -

My new shoes have been just as wonderful as I thought they would be!  I've got 4 miles on them so far, and I am not disappointed.  I am sweating so much though that I lose focus about 25 minutes in, and then I want to stop.  I keep forgetting to grab a towel, so I am just wiping it all away with my hand or the bottom of my t-shirt, but it's just not cutting it.  I've been looking into some sweat management options though.

I have a new goal to add to my list -

I want to run 365 miles in 2011.  Yep, one mile for every day of the year.  I am at 16.23 miles for the year so far.  My week + off hasn't helped me stay on track, but I am going to make it, I know I am! Over on the right side bar, there's a little widget that is so very kindly keeping track of my miles, both for 2011 and total.  You can follow along if you like.
 I have a new running plan, too.  I am going to start running Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.  Fridays I am going to try to lengthen my runs, and try to get to 3.1 miles (or a 5k :) ) each week, and then on Saturdays I will do a shorter recovery run.  I am excited to start pushing my running again.  I still haven't settled on the 5k I want to run... seems like every time I find one that I am excited about, it turns out that Brian has to work that weekend. :(  But I am determined to get one under my belt SOON!

As we only have a week left in January (how is this possible!?!?), I have been spending a little time reflecting on the month, and everything that I have accomplished.  I am so proud to not only have finished the C25k, but also kept running.  Running is a part of who I am now, and I don't think I would have it any other way.  What have you done this month to make YOU proud?  Please share with us, either here on the blog or on the 2 Fat Chicks Facebook page.  Looking forward to hearing from you!

♥

All those bruises make me whole...

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. I've been lazy, and depressed, and disgusted with myself. I have stumbled and made a huge detour on my journey. I'm trying to turn around, and find my way back but there is a huge boulder and I can't seem to find my way around it, or up and over it.

I feel like I was doing so well for a while, and since I've taken this detour in my weight loss journey everything in my life got off track as well. My marriage, my parenting, my self-esteem. My marriage is back on track, my parenting has improved as well. My self-esteem is in the shitter and I don't know how to get it back. I think that is my biggest problem right now. Thank you depression! I know I am worth it, but the unreasonable nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I won't ever get to where I want to be. I have so far to go! I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

So... my project from here on out is to be nice to myself. I need to be my own best friend, and I need to push myself and prove it to myself that I am worth it, that I can and will do this! I have 27 pounds to lose until I reach my goal in April. I have to bust this out because I REFUSE to fail.

There is a song that has really been speaking to me lately. Stay the Same by Shaman's Harvest.

When I trample on my destiny
I'm cutting out the best in me
With an unskilled hand and a heavy heart
Beaten back
I aint wishin to see better days
So someone help collect the pain
I was blind but now I surely see
Was deaf now I began to sing
Oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But that ice that runs within your veins
Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same

I refuse to give up on myself and I cannot give up this journey. I cannot allow my fear of failure to shape my future. When I give into the failure I "trample on my destiny" and "cutting out the best in me"


Though the progress may sometimes seem slow
All those bruises make me whole
And I can not for the life of me
Worry bout the life in me
...
Won't apologize for who I am
You're hurting me because you can

I do think the progress is so slow. Much slower than I'd like it to be. And I have a long ways to go, and that is so frustrating. But the bruises, the journey, is going to be what makes me ME! This journey is shaping the person I am, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I can only pray that along this journey I become whole, and I learn to love the me I turn out to be.

And oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But the ice that runs within your veins

Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same
Can you say the same
Oh can you say the same
Can you say the same

I've kept up this fight for this past year and a half, almost 2 years. I'll continue to fight as long as I need to to make myself alright. I totally feeling like screaming until my lungs turn blue. I'm fighting the fight of my life, and I'm fighting against myself. How messed up is that? But its true. At the end I will be able to say that I've changed. This fight is about so much more than my weight. Its for my health, my future, my self worth, and love for myself. Someday I'll figure it all out.

So, for now, I'm barricaded by fear of failure, self-loathing, disgust and disappointment. But, I'm keeping up the fight! I'll find a way around the boulder and I'll be able to look up the mountain with a renewed spirit, and excitement for the future!

Just New Shoes

Out with the old -

In with the new -

Told ya they were pretty.

I was so excited for the UPS guy to show up today. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning.  When I finally got my box and opened it, something hit me.  These are more than just new shoes for me.  They are proof that I have worked at this, and worked HARD at it.  Proof that I am a runner. In a matter of 3 months, I have achieved a goal that seemed so far beyond me.  Being "a runner" to me seemed like something that I would probably be able to do, though not this quickly.  And it sure as heck didn't seem like something I would come to love as much as I do.   The decision I made on October 19th to start becoming a runner was the best thing I have ever done for myself.  It has given me the ability to believe in me.  I have more pride and confidence in myself than I ever thought possible.  And the best thing about it - I want more. So I when I looked at those shoes on my feet for the first time, I cried.  I cried because they are just new shoes, but also because they are so much more than just new shoes.

♥

All is Quiet on the Home Front...

Ha!  If that was the case, I would be able to blog like I wanted!  So I guess it's only this home front that it's been quiet on.

Here's a recap of what's been going on here:

• Trip home for Christmas.  It was great.  Except for coming home and almost rolling the van. Then not being able to see the road.  Yeah, that part we could have skipped.  Gotta love Wyoming winters.
• STILL searching for the perfect Suburban for our family.  I was so sure we were going to find one in Colorado.
• Finding (and buying) the PERFECT Suburban in Idaho a whole week after we got home. (Pictures to come - maybe).
• Injuring my foot.  I am pretty sure I was on the verge of a stress fracture.  It was bad.  I took a week off from running, and in turn was kinda crabby.  Amazing that the fat chick was suffering from running withdrawls.
• Realizing that my shoes are s.h.o.t.  
• Sick kiddos
• and on and on and on.

Basically, it's life.  It's nothing new, but it's never the same, ever.

Anyhow, we did finally buy a new-to-us Suburban, and so I finally get to cash in on some of my reward days.  I've only managed to rack up 47, but who's counting. *insert big cheesy grin here*  I love it!  I love driving it. It's awesome.  And when I drive it, it's so cool to know that all my hard work has paid off.  

After I took a week off from running, I ran my first 5k.  Well, it was a virtual 5k.  Running Mate is hosting a virtual 5k every month throughout 2011.  A virtual 5k is where you run on your treadmill, at your local track, in your neighborhood, wherever.  No race entry fees, just go out, do your best, and then report back with your time.  I ran my first 5k in 51:46.  I don't think I will ever forget that time.  I am so proud of it, it's ridiculous.  I had to walk a little more than I liked, but the biggest thing for me was that I finished it!  But in running that 5k, I came to the absolute understanding that my running shoes are shot.  I need new ones badly. My foot isn't going to forgive me if I don't, and I don't want to take the chance of missing precious weeks because of an injury.  So I started looking heavily into what kind of shoes I needed.  Living in the middle of nowhere doesn't give me the option to run down to my local running store and have the people there tell me what shoe I need.  I kinda have to figure it out on my own.  And if you thought I did a lot of research on a new vehicle - hahahaha - you should have seen me over the past week trying to figure out what kind of shoe I need.  I finally ordered them today from Amazon.  

Aren't they pretty?  Amazon was so nice and told me that they'd be here on Friday.  I can't wait to wear these puppies out!

I've been slacking on exercise lately, which is why my weigh day on Monday was another maintain.  I can't complain (omg, I am rhyming, someone stop me).  I haven't put in the work I need to lately.  I haven't wanted to stress my foot with my crappy shoes any more than I needed to.  But I am not going to have that excuse anymore!  234 will be gone soon. :)

Oh, and another fun NSV for me today.  When I started this journey in October, my resting heart rate was dangerously high - about 90.  I took it today after sitting on the couch for awhile, and it's down to 64!  Even though I have a ways to go in the scale and tape measurement department still, my body is getting much healthier little by little.

And finally, here is my official "before" photo.

I finally feel like I've come far enough to not be embarrassed by this picture any more. This was taken in late Sept. 2010, and I know the scale said 260 here.  But this isn't who I am now.  It's who I was.  It is the me that decided to start getting healthy and making me a priority though.  So now I embrace it, and I love it.  Without it, there would be no now.  Remember that foundation I talked about here?  It's starting to look a whole lot prettier from where I am standing.  I do want that foundation.  It kicks some serious bum-bum as my boys would say.  I will try to get a picture of me in the same shirt and pants (and snuggling that handsome dude) again soon.  But we know how life keeps getting in my way.  But you know what, I sure enjoy everyday of this life more than I did that life. 

♥

Monday Weigh Day - 01/10

234 today!  One more pound gone.  :) Yippee!  I've kind of been in maintenance mode for the past couple weeks, but that's okay.  I think my foot is on the verge of a stress fracture, so I've been taking it pretty easy.  It bugs me a lot to not be running 3x a week, but I'd rather take a little time off then have to take 12 weeks off because I am in a cast!

Also, in the last 9 weeks, I've lost 9+ inches!  That feels so good and SO weird at the same time.  I really don't feel that much different than I did at 260.  But the scale and the tape measure don't lie, so I will just go with it, and work on feeling the results.  I think there is something to what Brian says about how you feel about yourself being a habit.

The One With Couch to 5k DONE!

I did it.  I finished the Couch to 5k program.  It's amazing.  And the pride I have in myself right now is unbeatable.  I did it!  I went from barely being able to run for 60 seconds at a time to running for 30 minutes without stopping in just 10 weeks.  Talk about progress.  It's almost left me speechless though.  This is the kind of occasion that for me, this is all that needs to be said:

I DID IT!!!

Happy New Year!!!

I can't believe it's 2011!  This is the year my boys will turn 6, 3, and 2!  Scary!  But it's also the year I WILL reach my goal weight.  And I WILL run my first 5k and 10k (or half).  It's going to be an awesome year.  I am down to 235... I didn't lose or gain over Christmas, but that is a HUGE feat for me, too.

We just got home a few days ago, and I am trying to get back in the our normal routine.  It's not easy, but it is nice to be home.

Can you believe that tomorrow I will FINISH the Couch to 5k?  I know I can't.  I am still not running a full 5k, but I AM running for 30 minutes, and that's amazing!  I need to figure out what 5k I am going to run, and also how I want to proceed with the Bridge to 10k program.  I need to work on speed and longer distances... I just wish I knew what was the best route for me to go.

I also got the Zumba fitness for Wii game for Christmas from Brian.  I LOVE it!  I can't make it to Zumba classes at the PAC that often, but this is JUST like having them at home.  They even use the same music, which I really like.  I need to work on the tutorials a little more because the moves are a tad different, but it's still a killer workout and a lot of fun!

Wishing you a 2011 that you can be happy and proud of what you will accomplish!
♥, Erin

Happy 1/1/11!!! What are your goals for this year?

I am so excited for this new year! 2010 wasn't a bad year. In fact it brought many victories, and many laughs. But 2011 is going to be MY year! I am going to accomplish more in this year than any years in the past. I am going to get organized, I am going to set and reach goals I never thought I'd be able to even think about. NEW YEAR NEW ME!!