Thursday, October 13, 2011

...

Hello everyone out there in Blogland... sorry its been so long! Life has certainly gotten in the way of me, and I've been tripping, and falling all over it. Still haven't quite caught my balance, although I'm hoping I land back on both feet soon. All I can do at this point is take it one step at a time.

Not only has life gotten in the way, its also been a complete and utter living nightmare. This past spring and summer life wasn't bad. It was busy, and depression got the best of me. With Ethan home on summer break, and working midnight shift I had to catch sleep when and where I could, as well as maintain some semblance of organization and finding time to have fun and create memories. Work was/is always stressful, and I have a hard time letting go of that stress on the door out of the building. It stays with me all day. Doesn't help an already depressed person get on with the day, I can tell you that much. But I got through it. During the end of summer my husband took charge and decided we were going to overhaul our grocery shopping and eating habits. Having him take the lead was so nice. It wasn't me nagging him, it was him nagging me for a change and we did it together. We were spending less money on our groceries, yet we were eating healthier than ever. I've realized that our local grocery store is a big trigger for me so I avoid it if at all possible. In late July I threw a huge birthday party for my husbands 30th birthday. It was so much fun. This was a turning point for my depression. I started feeling happy once again.

Then came fall. Ethan, my big and independent boy, started 2nd grade. Life was evening out, and it was better than it has been in a long time. Everything was ho-hum, boring, but good. Then I got the phone call....

Saturday September 24th 1:00pm I was woken up to the phone ringing. My husband handed me the phone. It was my aunt. I KNEW something wasn't right. When she asked if I was sitting down, it only furthered my panic. Then she said the words "Kenny passed away" See, I am the oldest of 5 kids. Kenny was the 2nd oldest of us. He was only 25! He lived with my grandma. Our Aunt Vicky went over that morning to can tomatoes with Grandma. It wasn't unusual for Ken to sleep in on weekends he didn't have to work. Around noon grandma decided to go check on him. She found him. He had passed away in his sleep.

I don't even know what to say. My heart was instantly shattered, and while I'm hoping that I am starting to heal, I know it won't ever be whole. Losing Kenny was worse than losing our mom. We may never know why he passed, but we do know that he passed peacefully, and he was in no pain. That is a blessing!

I'll spare you all the ugly details, but lets just say I've been coping through food... big time. Like a bag of chips a day kinda coping. Its been UGLY! Thats what we do in our family. We eat! But as we were sitting around my grandma's kitchen table my brother Matt brought up a very good point. He said there is NO REASON why any of us can't see a doctor, get a physical, and know whats going on with our bodies. I said "you know, you are right" and I called right at that moment and I made the appointment with my physician. I didn't realize how afraid I was that I might have had something wrong until I pulled in the parking lot. Its so much easier to live in the dark, and denial that there'd even be a possibility that I'd be unhealthy or sick in some major way. I needed to know though, because I need to be here for my family. The doc did the full work up. Even had an EKG. EKG, physical, and all the blood work they did all turned out PERFECT! YES even my cholesterol and triglycerides were within normal and healthy limits! Here I am 140 pounds overweight (if not more) and I am perfectly healthy! What a blessing! How amazing! Now if I could only get the pain from my PCOS (which my insulin level is great, and I am not on metformin so whoohoo on that one!) under control I'll be good to go!!

One thing my GYN recommended to me yesterday was to do 10 minutes of stretching every single day. Make it a non negotiable. I've been wanting to get into Yoga anyway. I can do 10 minutes! My plan is to take this good health and run with it! I CAN do it. I can maintain this clean bill of health that I've been given.

My plan for today and tomorrow: to not give into the fear and panic so much, to do my 10 minutes a day of stretching, to treat myself better by not eating as much junk. I'm giving myself permission to mourn as I need to as well. I miss him. The world isn't right without him here.

Friday, October 7, 2011

*ahem* Forget about me?

It's okay.  I did too.  I took myself off the list again.  I let life happen and put lots of other people in front of me and my health.

I am trying to get back to me near the top.  At the top seems so hard for me with 2 kids not in school yet. It seems like someone always needs something.  I know it's stupid to not put me first and foremost, but I haven't quite figured out how to make an almost 2-year-old and almost 4-year-old understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.

I started over with the Couch to 5k program.  I just finished Week 2.  I didn't want to come post right away, kind of because I needed to prove to me that I was ready to do this again, and was serious about it.  Not a "Oh hooray! Look at me!" kind of post.

So, good things about this -

  • I started over at a faster pace than I did the first time.
  • I know I can do it because I've already been there, run that. :)
  • I have the shoes already (and let's face it, every girl needs the right pair of shoes)
  • I know how to make it work for me
Not so good things - 
  • I don't seem to be getting the same runner's high as I was before.  It still feels slightly torturous.
  • I have been dealing with costochondritis since July, and since I am such a big fan of doctors, well... yeah.
That's how it is now.  I know Heidi's been dealing with some stuff too, but she's working on getting back here, too.  So don't lose hope in us.  We're just struggling a little is all. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

LIGHT BULB!!!

This doesn't need much introduction, but just imagine Mr. Gru from Despicable Me

with the "Light bulb" scene when you see this next image.


Yeah, that was me, too.

Borrowed from Tara's blog.

Quick check-in

Look at that - it's not even 10:00 here, and I've already done something to make me feel better. :)  Aren't you proud of me? I even did something last night.

A few days ago, I decided to start the 100 Push-up Challenge again, but this time I am going to do them the "girly" way.  I am a girl, so I might as well embrace it, huh?  Seriously, I decided to do it because last time we got to a point on the challenge where it was moving up in repetitions faster than my muscles were building or weight was coming off (or a combination of the 2), and it was discouraging.  So this time I am going to go with the girly way up to 100, and then start again.  I did the exhaustion test that day, and surprised myself with 12!  Last night at about 10:00 I figured there was no time like the present to start, so I did my pushups in my jammies.

Today I figured I would run again, since I know how awesome the runner's high is, and I could use that kind of feeling now especially.  I've run a few times in the last couple weeks, and went back to the C25k intervals. I know the program works, so it's a good thing for me.  I did Week 2 Day 2 this morning, and I feel great.  I am trying hard to not focus on the negative, and just go with the positive.

So, it's a start. :)

Monday, June 20, 2011

Rough Day...

Today has been hard for me.  Really hard.  I got on the scale to see just how much I've gained back.  17lbs.  Ouch!  I am so mad at myself, and for letting everything be more important than me again.

This starts such a spiral in me, too.  It's where the "what does it matter" thoughts come from.  And the "it's never going to happen" thoughts.

I HAVE to get back on track.  And I need to learn to like me again.  I think part of the down in the dumps crap is all part of being female and having wacked out hormones for part of the month.  And part of it is that I realize NOW how much better I felt.  It sure didn't seem like I was getting anywhere, but I know better now.  Why is it that hindsight is always 20/20?  And why is it that getting back there now seems so much harder than it did before?

I wish someone could give me answers to these questions, though they are more rhetorical than anything.  Tomorrow is another day, and I will do something for me to make me feel better... I just need to figure out what it is.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Regaining Lost Ground

So I've been pretty quiet.  The quietness has been my refusal (or denial) to accept that I've lost a lot of ground.  Both on the scale, and with the running.  I could tell you all my excuses reasons why, but I won't.  Because no matter what the issues were, it doesn't change the now. The simple fact is that I wasn't putting in the effort, and I wasn't eating like I should.

One thing I think that has put up a road block for me is fear of who I will be when I get to goal.  Everyone talks about this "new person" they become when they lose weight, or go through any major life altering event.  I don't WANT to change.  I like who I am.  Do they mean personality, or habits, or likes, or what?  I don't do well with change.  I am a planner.  So I have a fear of myself.  Pretty stupid and irrational, but I believe that's the definition of true fear.  Why can't I shake it?  Any suggestions you have on the matter would be HUGELY appreciated.

So I am trying to regain the ground I lost, and just find a "new normal" for me, and go with it.  I want this, I want to be healthier, and know that I will be around for my boys, and that's my driving factor right now - the 3 (okay 4, Brian is one of the Rowdy Bunch, too) of them.

Monday, May 9, 2011

6 weeks

Spring is FINALLY here! In the Upper Peninsula of Michigan it feels like we have snow 6-7 months of the year. When it feels like spring has sprung Mother Nature feels it necessary to bury us a few more times. Its frustrating. Its depressing!

During this past winter I've fallen off the wagon big time. I know I blogged about it a few times, and I made a few half hearted attempts to get back on. I've failed. I could come up with a bunch of excuses, a couple of them valid, most of them not, but I won't. All of us suffer through being busy, work, weather, headaches, etc. I let all of those things get in my way. I've been very unhappy.

I've recently been diagnosed with TMJ (Temporomandibular joint disorder) and Bruxism (grinding of the teeth.) For the past 3-4 months I've had non-stop headaches. The pain starts in my forehead and temples, causes ear aches, neck aches that radiate into my shoulders. I'd go to bed with the pain and wake up with the pain. It was too much to take at times with the headaches within migraine territory. Sound sensitive, light sensitive, periods of sharp jabbing pains in my my ears and head. At times my hearing was effected as well. I've recently had a mouth guard fitted properly by my dentist, along with some great advice on how to deal with all these issues, and prevent it from getting worse. I'm so happy to say that I am finally feeling some relief! ( So much for not making any excuses right!?)

With the relief from the headaches, and the bright sunshine, and warmer weather I'm ready to get back into the game! My friend and co-worker convinced me to go for a walk with her before work the other night. A half hour and 2 miles later I was exhausted! I felt great though. Yesterday for Mother's Day my husband and son took me hiking at a few county parks to look at waterfalls. It was a fantastic day. My butt and abs were dying yesterday but feel wonderful today. I started my day off today with Shakeology. I need to have a snack or lunch here soon. I'd like to do some Turbo Jam. I wanted to do some ChaLean Extreme as well, but I don't want to do too much too fast.

I have some wonderful motivation as well. The dreaded 10 year high school reunion! I'm not totally dreading it. In fact I'm looking forward to seeing most of my classmates! It should be a fun time. I have gained an insane amount of weight since I was in high school. I wish I had a picture to share with you. I was a size 12-14 and at my thinnest weight ever. I was "goth" haha, yes one of them dorky kids. I've changed a lot. But I'm not happy with myself physically. I need more self esteem. I want to feel better all the way around. I want to feel healthy and happy. I know I need to get this whole exercise thing back on track, as well as my diet. Today is day 1 of my personal challenge to lose as much weight as I can in 6 weeks. I'm not going to lay out any goals for myself because I am done with disappointing myself, and setting myself up for failure. I want to lose weight. I WILL lose weight. I will be happy no matter what as long as I see the scale go down.

I am once again a fat chick with a mission!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Back in the Swing of Things

I've been trying to get back into the swing of things.  The day after we got home from Salt Lake City, I woke up with a horrible chest cold.  I had to say a prayer of thanks that I hadn't gotten it any sooner than I did - that would have seriously derailed me.  But it's still lingering.... ugh.

I am also heavily involved in two projects/events that are taking up a lot of my time.  Both of these things are very near and dear to my heart, so I am okay with them consuming me for the time being.  One of them is this Saturday morning... the other is the end of May.  That one is a fun run/walk, which I am excited about... I've walked it the last 2 years... this year I plan on running it.

So I am basically saying that I am getting back to the running, slowly, but surely.  So don't think that I've forgotten about it... it's ingrained in me now! :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Salt Lake City Adoption 5k Recap



*giggle*  Do you know how cool it is for me that I get to write a RACE recap???  For a race that I ran?!?!?

Okay, let's start at the beginning shall we?

It was a cold and stormy morning.... really.  It was awful.  Our drive from the Frozen Tundra to the Big City was ho.rr.ib.le.  But we made it safe and sound. Just before we headed out for some supper Friday night, I got an email from the race director that the race would NOT be canceled, no matter what the weather was like, but he was trying to modify the course to keep us out of the 3 - 4" deep mud on the original course.  Saturday morning we got up bright and early to get the Rowdy Bunch fed and bundled up before we headed over to Wheeler Farm for the race.  I was pretty nervous when we got there, but I went over and picked up my race bib (can I just say that 125 is my new favorite number???)

We unloaded the Rowdy Bunch, and tried to kill a bit of time before the race started.  I am guessing the temperature was in the low 30s.  And the snow was pretty heavy.

The Rowdy Bunch and I


The new race route had us running a block race rather than the 3 loops originally planned.  I was a bit bummed because it meant I wasn't going to see Brian and the boys a few times like I thought.  It was me on my own until the finish line.  As everyone was getting ready behind the starting line,  I made my way towards the back. I zeroed my ipod stopwatch, and started the tunes.  Raise Your Glass by P!nk came on just as the gun sounded, pretty perfectly.  I had my Broncos hoodie on, with the hood up, that's how cold I was.  I tried to stay near the back because I knew I wasn't going to be the fastest.


The snow made things slick, but not as bad as I'd feared.  About 15 minutes into the race, I started feeling odd.  It took me a few minutes to realize I was HOT! lol  I had been cold so long that morning, I didn't recognize what the feeling was.  I lost probably a minute or so stopping to take my hoodie off and get everything situated again. I was feeling great, enjoying myself and just running.  As I rounded the last corner and could see Wheeler Farm, the tears just came.  I had to walk for a bit because I couldn't breathe.  I knew finishing was going to be emotional for me, but I didn't expect it to hit me that hard.  I started running again, and was so happy (as evidence by my official race photo, which is rather cheesy in my not so humble opinion).  

And then I saw Brian and the boys, and they were cheering (along with all the other spectators at the finish line) and I lost it again.  I ran across the Finish Line, tears streaming down my face, so overwhelmed. 

 The boys ran over and gave me kisses and hugs... it was awesome. So much better than I ever could have imagined.  Matthew kept telling me "I'm so proud of you, Mommy."  And Christopher said "Good job racing, Mommy." ♥  I forgot to stop my ipod as soon as I crossed the finish line, but when I did remember, I didn't think it had been too long.  My ipod said 44:35 - best time yet.  I figured my official time would be close to that, but when the results were finally posted tonight, I was BLOWN away - 41:20.  That's a 13:20 minute mile.  So much for my goal of 50:00 or less, huh?  41:20 is a PR for me.  And such an amazing accomplishment.    I am absolutely going to do this again.  The difference between going out for a run and running in a race is night and day.  

I am so proud of myself, and the fact that I met a MAJOR goal that I set for myself is amazing.  Less than 6 months ago, I made a goal of running a 5k.  To say that I accomplished that is still just amazing to me.  

♥  

P.S.  I am so letting myself feel like a BAMF for running my first 5k in all that damn snow! lol  At least for a little while.  It's okay to be hard core now and then.  :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

This is it...

Tomorrow is the big day.  My first 5k.  MY FIRST 5k!!!  

Okay, whew. Sorry, I had to yell it for my head.  I still don't think it's quite sunk in.  I am still nervous, but it's getting better.  Except for one itty-bitty, teensey-weensy little thing.  I like to call that thing Mother Nature.  Apparently Mother Nature is under the impression that if you live in the frozen tundra, and you travel anywhere before, say April 15th, you should take normal frozen tundra weather with you.  Yes, you read that right.  The forecast for the rest of today (our travel day) and tomorrow from the Frozen Tundra to SLC is SN*W!

Snow.... not quite what I bargained for, but I think it will be okay.  I haven't run in over a week.  Stupid legs think I enjoy being in pain.  And I'm prepared for that again for tomorrow, but I WILL push through it.  My goal is 50:00 or less.  I don't know what kind of a monkey wrench the weather will throw into that plan, but it's going to do something! :)

All I care about though is seeing Brian and the Rowdy Bunch at the finish line.  I've come a long long way since October, and after 3.1 miles tomorrow, I will have met a goal that I didn't know was possible!

I did it!

I did it! I stayed on my diet the entire week! When I recommitted to my weight loss journey I told myself I wanted to get back into the 250's by the end of the week. I met my goal! I am back down to 74lbs lost! Very very good feeling! I KNOW I can do this! I know what to do, what to eat. I just have to push myself, and give myself NO excuses! I have to forgive myself and move on when I slip up. I might not be where I want to be, but I'm sure not where I was. I won't go back there. I refuse! So onward, and upward I go!

My next goal 255 by next week.

Monday, April 4, 2011

recommitment

Today is the day I cast all my excuses and complaints aside and recommit to changing my life! I have gained about 8 pounds back in the past couple of weeks. I am NOT happy with that. I am not happy with the way I am living my life right now. So, I'm going to change!

I am going to be keeping my food diary at myfitnesspal.com I have it set so my updates will post on facebook, just for added accountability. I've heard weight loss is 80% diet, so I am going to go back to my healthy eating. I'm also going to go back to Turbo Jam. Once I get in the groove with the cardio I'm going to add strength/weight training in with ChaLean Extreme.

I am excited! My goal is to get back down to 260 within the next 2 weeks. I hope its manageable! I just received info on my 10 year class reunion... gotta look good you know LOL

For now I must say ttfn. I worked last night, and I've fallen asleep 2 times while writing this blog LOL

Monday, March 28, 2011

12 days and Counting....

And I am FUH-reaked out.  It's just a 5k.  I've got 4 of them under my belt so far.  But this "real" one scares the heebee-jeebees out of me.  Seriously.  Like I think about it, and I feel like I am going to puke.

I've been trying to keep my head out of my running.  All it's doing right now is making the running feel way more difficult. I KNOW I can do this.  I am going to do it.  But damned if the whole stupid thing doesn't make me shake in my running shoes.

Brian's been kind of "eh" in the support department about this, too.  I've told him I am a LOT little scared, and his reply is "So then why are you doing it?"  Makes me want to smack him.  But then the fear subsides a teeny bit.  Because I know why I am doing it.  I've WORKED for this.  I've worked hard. I've been running for 5 months, 1 week and 2 days.  I'm not going to be the fastest runner out there, but I AM going to be the fastest me out there.  And that's the most important thing.  I just need to keep repeating it to myself over and over and over and over for the next 12 days.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

I Like Them, Sam-I-Am!

While I'm recovering from a cold that's left me feeling like something Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs scrapes off his boot (nice mental picture, huh?  No silly, Mike Rowe - NOT the boot scum), I thought I'd share a TASTY recipe I came up with.


I present to you....


Mushroom Onion Tomato Mini-Frittatas


5 slices bacon, cooked and chopped into chuncks
    1 medium yellow onion, minced 
    6 medium white mushrooms, chopped 
    2 roma tomatoes, chopped 
    8 large eggs 
    1/4 cup non-fat cottage cheese 
    1 tbsp. dried parsley

Using a non-stick pan or griddle, saute onions on med. high heat. Add mushrooms when onions begin to turn opaque. Saute 4-5 minutes, until mushrooms reach desired consistency. Let onions and mushrooms cool slightly.

In a large bowl, beat eggs until foamy. Add remaining ingredients, and fold to incorporate.

Spray a 12-serving muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray. Fill each cup with 1/4 cup of the egg mixture. Bake at 350 degrees F for 15 - 20 minutes, or until frittata is springy in the center. Remove from oven, and loosen with a knife. Serve warm.

Makes 6 2-mini frittata servings.



All I can say is yum-O!

For nutritional information, click here.

I made these last week in honor of Dr. Seuss's birthday.  The only change I made was that I added green food coloring to the mixture, and called them Green Eggs and Ham Mini-Frittatas.  The Rowdy Bunch was thrilled with them.  In fact, I tried to give Nicholas the 2 that didn't have food coloring in them.  He wanted nothing to do with them.  However, he did eat THREE of the green ones.  Guess the green made them a little more tasty!  Enjoy!


I do so like
green eggs and ham!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Sam-I-am!


Friday, March 4, 2011

Its NOT easy!

I am a bit annoyed and perturbed. This afternoon one of my facebook friends posted something that upset me. She said that its a lot easier to be overweight and unhealthy than it is to be fit and healthy. She has never been overweight, which upset me a lot more than it would have if she was posting her personal opinion based on her own experience.

It is NOT easy to be overweight. Its not easy to not be able to find clothes that fit right. Its not easy to play with your kids, because its not easy to move. Its not easy to feel uncomfortable around everyone. Its not easy to have no self confidence or any self esteem. It is NOT EASY changing our entire lives- OUR ENTIRE LIVES! to make changes to become healthier. It's not easy. Do I think its easy its be fit? Not necessarily. Do I think its easy to be thin? Not necessarily. I've never been fit, I've never been thin so I can't say if my life would be easier or harder. All I know is that I would not choose to be overweight, obese, or fat.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A Letter to Me

 Dear Me,

You're stuck.  I get that. Getting below 235 seems like the impossible right now.  You are amazing at self-sabotage.  The scale showing 240 again today proves that.

What I don't get is WHY???  What is it about 230 that seems so scary to you?  It has to be fear that's keeping you from moving forward.  It's not lack of knowledge.  You know what to do, and how to do it.

You've been doing great (for the most part) with exercising and running.  Last week you even ran your first sub 15:00 minute mile!  That's HUGE!  That's FIVE MINUTES less than when you started, PER MILE!

I wish you could see what other people seem to see.  And stop being so damn self-critical.  You're not going to be perfect, ever. No one is.  Get over it and on with it.

Rather than focusing on what you can't do right now, it seems about damn time we start focusing on what you CAN again.  You CAN run so much farther and faster than you could in October.  You have stuck with this since then, too.  That's 5 months.  That in and of itself is amazing.  This is a life change for you.  Not something temporary.  Better get used to the idea, though I do have to say that your outlook for the most part is a positive one.  Not wanting to lose any more ground is a good place to be.

I know you can do this, and more importantly, I know you WILL do this.  We just gotta find a way to get around, or over, under, through, whatever, this boulder in the road!

♥,
me

P.S.  You finally found a 5k to run!  GOOD JOB!  The Salt Lake City Adoption 5k Family Fun Run and Walk is only 6 weeks away.  Stop being scared.  You can do this.  You will be great!  :)  And I know there will be a few people excited to hear about your first race.  So breathe.  just breathe.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

depression... its whats for dinner

I am forcing myself to write this blog today. I really don't want to write it. I don't know what I want to say. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I've pretty much given up on caring about how I eat. I've stopped exercising. I have gained back a few pounds. I'm turning to food for comfort. I feel empty. I'm numb. Pretty much hopeless. My anxiety has been very bad. I got a migraine last night. Woke up with it yet this morning. I don't know if its because of my earache (maybe pressure from an infection?) or if its just a migraine. I've been sleeping a lot. I feel constantly stressed out over everything. My house is a mess but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm eating like shit, and I don't really care. Yet I feel guilty over all of it. I've been a bad friend (I am so sorry Erin!) I am trying very hard to put on the 'mask' and be a good mom and a good wife. Doing what I have to to get through the day so I can enter into my comfort zone of my couch and blanket. Last night was the first in a few weeks that I didn't crave carbs and chocolate. I just didn't care to do anything. I didn't want to read, didn't want to watch TV. I just wanted to lay here.

My depression takes everything out of me. It leaves me a shell of myself. I don't enjoy things I usually do. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing to give. So, please, forgive me! Please forgive my bad attitude, my lack of blog posts, and the addition of pounds on the scale. I'm disgusted with myself, I really truly am!

I'm going to try to give myself a few small, healthy goals to reach daily. I'm hoping that by meeting these goals I'll gain more confidence and I'll be able to bust out of this depression sooner rather than later.

GOALS:
1) Drink 1 shakeology a day as a meal replacement. (drank it for breakfast today)
2) State 1 thing I am thankful for each day. I will do this on facebook (Heidi Oczus if you want to add me)
3) Dance everyday! I don't think I have it in me to pull out a full workout, but I know I can turn on some music and dance to a few songs. I promise I will dance to at least 1 fast paced song everyday!


Those are all I can come up with right now that I know I will be able to stick to. I have others in mind like "do dishes everyday" but I know that isn't a reachable goal right now and I don't need anymore stress at the moment.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

You Know You're a Winner When...

You wrote comment #10!

Congratulations Jessica!  I will be contacting you for your shipping information.  Thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway.  We're hoping to bring you more, and soon!
♥ Erin & Heidi

Friday, February 18, 2011

I Amazed Myself Today!

After my first 10 mile week, I decided 10 miles every week would be my goal.  Last week's long run was a tad thwarted by 3 spills on the ice in less than 24 hours.  Gotta love living in the frozen tundra.  Anyway, last week I only managed to run 3 times, but still got in a solid 6.13 miles, thanks largely in part to the virtual 5k.

This week, I am on track for an 11-mile, yes, ELEVEN, as in 10 + 1, week.  I ran another 5k on Monday, 2 days after the Running Mate 5k.  This one was another virtual 5k for ♥Valentine's Day♥ on dailymile.  I figured I would just get it done, no matter how long it took.  2 days after the first 5k, I had no real hope of any kind of PR, but lo and behold, I finished in 49:21, a full :50 faster!

My long run this week was another 4 miles.  My first 4 mile run, I managed to keep a 17:34mm pace.  Today, I totally blew that out of the water.  4 miles at an average 15:20mm pace.  I've been doing a lot of walk/run intervals on the treadmill.  I have such a hard time running for long periods of time on that stupid thing.  I really have started to think of it as the DREADmill.  I love the running, but I just can't seem to keep running, even though I KNOW I can.  I hope this is still moving me forward, getting me closer to my goals.  I do have to say though, running at 5.0 - 6.5mph is a lot easier now than it was.  I can run that fast for a solid minute at least now, and before, 15 seconds made me feel like I was going to puke or die or both.  So that is progress!

Oh yes, one other thing.  I have *gulp* decided I am going to do the Pinedale Half Marathon in town in September.  I am a tad scared, but since it is walker friendly, I am going to give it my best shot.  I have 7 months to train for it from now, so I am hoping I can walk less than half of it, and run the rest of it. Still working on finding my first 5k - Brian's schedule conflicts with almost every one I have found that is somewhat close to the frozen tundra.

The giveaway closes tonight at 10pm.  I am getting a night out with some girlfriends, so I am not sure when I will get the winner drawn and posted on here.  I fully intend to NOT be home by 10, but stranger things have happened.  If nothing else, early tomorrow morning I will have it up.  The 10pm closing still applies - any comments left after 10pm will be deleted! :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Making strides!

So the pun is sort of intended.  :)  Yesterday I ran my second Virtual 5k hosted by Running Mate.  This was the Running Mate Sweetheart Virtual 5k.  You were supposed to try to get your sweetheart to run with you.  I don't know that I am ever going to be able to get Brian to run with me, so I am okay going it alone.

However, the big news... I knocked 1 minute and 36 seconds of off my January Virtual 5k.  I got my 5k done in 50:11.  Still turtle pace for most, but I was very happy to see I have gotten a little faster in a month!

My running week wasn't as good as I had hoped.  On Wednesday/Thursday, I managed to fall on the ice 3 times, each time hurting/landing on my right leg.  I have a nasty bruise, some scrapes and a really sore knee.  I managed to get in 6 miles last week, so I am still pretty happy about that.  I can come back strong tomorrow and get another 10 miles this week.

I will leave you with a quote my buddy Jess shared last week that resonates with me so much.  I need to try to remember it all the time when I am running.  ♥

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far, it doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run." - John Bingham

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I am jelly, and I'm kinda loving it!

I am feeling pretty amazing right now, if not a bit tired. I woke up feeling blah and depressed. I had to force myself to get my ass off the couch and press play. I am loving this new workout program. ChaLean Extreme is intense! It focus' on resistance and weight training. I've shied away from strength training in the past. My focus was always on cardio and building stamina. I still have to drink a million oz of water during each of my workouts but my stamina has gotten a lot better. Cardio isn't giving me what I want in a total body makeover, however.

So, here I am with ChaLean Extreme. Its a 3 month program, and you workout 3 days a week. The first month is called the Burn Phase. You do more repetitions at a lower weight or resistance to reach fatigue, which is where your muscles start shaking, and you feel like you just cannot do anymore. This month revs up your metabolism and gets your muscles working. The second month is called the Push Phase. In this phase you lift heavy, and do fewer repetitions. The third month is called the Lean Phase and it brings it all home, and this is the month in which you see amazing results.

Today was only my second workout with this program. Let me tell you one thing... towards the end of the workout my muscles were jelly and shaking and I was trying to do push ups and I was yelling obscenities to the television. BUT I pushed passed that sweet amazing pain and I finished. I wanted to cry. Its such an intense program and I was feeling some really intense emotions. Most of all I felt pride that I finished something that was hard for me. It was hard for me to get up and do the workout today. It really was. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to move. I wanted to wallow in my depression because that is the easy thing to do, and that is what I am used to. But I forced myself to get up, and I forced myself to push play, and I am so glad I did. I cannot wait to feel stronger and stronger. I cannot wait to build muscle. I cannot wait to see how this changes my body. Most of all I cannot wait to see how I change as a person. I can only hope I become stronger mentally and emotionally as well

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Running Down a Dream

Yeah running down a dream
That never would come to me
Working on a mystery
Going wherever it leads
Running down a dream


I felt so good like anything was possible
I hit cruise control and rubbed my eyes
The last 3 days the rain was unstoppable
It was always cold, no sunshine

- Running Down a Dream by (the great) Tom Petty

Okay, so it wasn't a dream I was running down this week, but it was a goal.  One I needed to meet after the last weigh day.  One of my dailymile buddies challenged me to set a goal I knew I could reach this week, for the confidence boost.  I decided to set out to run more in 7 days than I've ever run before.  Last week I had my personal best week at 9.22 miles.  I figured even if I got to 9.23 that would be an accomplishment, and more than I've ever run.  Well, before Friday's run, I was sitting at 4 miles.  I knew I'd be getting in 3.1 at least, but I figured I could push it a little more.  I ran 4.01 miles Friday.  I started by following the Week 1 Day 2 of the Bridge to 10k, and when I got done with that, I just continued with the run/walk intervals until it was time for the cool down.  4 miles!  In one go, I double my weekly mileage.  That was an amazing accomplishment for me.  My legs felt like jell-o when I was done, but the amount of pride I had was worth it.

Yesterday, I added a nice round 2.0 to that for a grand total of
10 miles!
In one week!  For me!  The fat chick that runs.  Ahhh, the sweet sweet taste of success! I needed the boost in confidence.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, and I've decided it's a free day for me.  I got on the scale this morning, and it was 235 again (*sigh*) so I am going to use today's weight for this week, and skip Monday weigh day tomorrow.  Maybe I can figure something out this next week that will switch things up a tad.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Sweat Managed.... and a giveaway (closed)

Okay, so remember how I posted here about how I was sweating so much during my runs that I lost focus around the 25 minute mark?  And I kept forgetting to grab a towel so I was basically SOL (your hand is only so absorbent, you know).  


Houston, we no longer have a problem.  I have discovered the secret to absolutely ZERO sweat in my eyes while I am running.  


Enter      .

A few people mentioned them to me after I posted that I needed to work on sweat management.  After spending entirely too much a little bit of time on their site, I knew I was hooked!  They have some really cute light sweat wicking headbands that are cute and patterned.  But for those of us who look like drowned rats sweat a little more while working out, they have heavy sweat wicking headbands, too.  And let me warn you before you go over there... they have a TON of them.  Literally page after page of fun sayings, and fun ways of displaying your accomplishments (I will have either the 10k or half-marathon one come September). There are neat wicking hats; regular style, pony tail style and also pig tail style! They also have fun things for your kiddos or furry friends, too!

I got my Bondi Band last week, and I've used it on all of my runs, and other work outs too.  Let me just say, I  am SOLD!  I freaking love this thing.  Not once have I had sweat in my eyes.  Not once.  Granted, when I am done with a run, I can wring sweat out of it like you wouldn't believe (ew, yes, I know), but I don't ever have to worry about going sweat-blind again!  I got this snazzy little number right here - 

It says I run like a girl.  Also on my list to get are Suck it up, Cupcakebreathe., and about 10 others. :)  You know, just because.

I am absolutely in love!  They stay put, even on my big head, and keep fly away hairs out of my face too, which I find a tad bit distracting.  

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

THE GIVEAWAY IS CLOSED! CONGRATS TO OUR WINNER!

Soooo, I bet you're wondering about the giveaway part, aren't you?

Well, Bondi Band was cool enough to send me another band for one of you!  Staying with the whole "journey" theme that Heidi and I have here at 2 Fat Chicks, one lucky reader is going to get a  The JOURNEY is the reward headband.  It looks just like this - 



Wanna win it?  This is what you've gotta do: (mandatory entry)   Head over to Bondi Band and check it out.  Then come back here and tell me what your favorite item is on THIS post.

Additional entry methods (leave a comment for each):

1. publicly follow 2 Fat Chicks with a Mission on google friend connect (1 entry)
2. tweet about this contest, be sure to include your time stamp in your comment (1 entry per day)
3. blog about this giveaway, be sure to include a link in your comment (1 entry)
4. like 2 Fat Chicks With a Mission on Facebook (1 entry)

Contest Deadline:
Friday, February 18, 2011 at 10pm MST

The fine print:  Open to residents of the United States.  The winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond, so make sure I have a valid email address. Email addresses will not be sold or used in any other way than to notify the winner.

Disclaimer:  I was provided one Bondi Band free of charge for my honest review, and also one for the giveaway.  I received no other monetary compensation.


Thursday, February 3, 2011

And the Award Goes to....

US!  Brandi over at Ohhhh... Flaxy Lady likes our blog so much that she gave us the


Thank you so much Brandi!  We're very honored. :)

Now, the nitty gritty of this award...

  1. Link back to the person who gave the award to you
  2. Share seven things about yourself
  3. Pass the award on to recently discovered great bloggers.
  4. Contact those bloggers and tell them they’ve won.
Since there are 2 of us, lucky you, you get 7 things about each of us!

Heidi's 7 Things:
1) I live in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan, on the border of WI, deep in the heart of Packer country. We are so proud and excited for the superbowl!

2) I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I get horrible headaches without it. I'd like to wean myself off, but for now its an indulgence that I hang on to.

3) I love music. I live for hard rock, metal and alternative music, but I will sing and dance to just about anything, just because I can't help myself.

4) I love to laugh, and I have a very inappropriate sense of humor. Tosh.0 is a favorite in our home, along with most anything on Adult Swim. Except for Squidbillies. I do not understand that show.

5) I am a huge reader. I read mostly Paranormal Romance novels. My favorite series ever are the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. JR Ward is a genius! I also love Gena Showalter, Kresley Cole, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Lara Adrian.

6) I am a horrible housekeeper. My house is constantly messy and out of control. I do not know how to change this, although I'd love to.

7) I keep the hours of a vampire. I work midnight shift and now my usual waking hours are all night long, and I get my best sleep during the day. If I have to sleep at night it takes me a long time to fall asleep, and I still am tired during the day. I complain about my job a lot, but I really do enjoy it. I get to help people who truly need it all night long and I wouldn't give that up for a good nights sleep!

Erin's 7 Things:

1.  Brian and I have been together almost 1/2 of my life.  We started dating when I was a sophomore in high school.  This November will be 15 years, and 1/2 of my life.  He still makes me feel like he did when we were in high school.  

2.  I stopped going to college after 3 years.  I never could decide what I wanted to be when I "grew up," so I stopped wasting my time and our money.  I've had lots of different jobs, and liked all of them for different reasons.  I've been a portrait photographer, CNA, medical biller (sorta), and nanny, to name a few.  If I had to go back to school for something, I would be a nurse. My favorite though would have to have been a barista (though not at Starbucks, sadly).  See #3 for clarification.

3.  I LIVE for coffee.  I drink it all.day.long.  All night, too.  And no, I don't switch to decaf at some point during the day.  I prefer it light and sweet, but I can do black if that's my only option.  I really, really like the Caffe Verona blend from Starbucks right now (you know, in case you wanted to help support my habit or something - jk).

4.  I am pretty creative.  I do lots of crafty things - I paint, sew, bake, design, decorate cakes and on and on and on.  I can't stick to just one thing ever, and always have about 100 projects going at once.

5.  I am not adventurous. I tend to stick the the straight and narrow whenever I can.  I don't even like to speed.  BUT, if give the chance, I would be on The Amazing Race in a heartbeat.  I don't care about the prize money... I just want to travel like that.

6.  I have a ridiculous memory for song lyrics.  I also have a very eclectic taste in music, so I can sing along with Miranda Lambert and Taylor Swift, then turn around and sing along with AC/DC and Def Leppard.  I consistently surprise my mom with the lyrics I know.

7.  In most relationships, it is the guy that is the techie.  Not mine.  I have a list of electronics that I want that's about a mile long.  An iPad , a Cricut , but the Holy Grail of electronics that I want right now is this - the Garmin Forerunner 305 .  Brian on the other hand is content with his vinyl albums and reel-to-reel tapes.  How  I managed to find an 85 year old man gallivanting around in a much younger guy's body, I will never know! :)

Now, for our nominations... in no particular order:

We enjoy these blogs, and we hope you'll check them out, too!

♥,
H & e




pssssttttt...... if you are keeping track, this is post #49!  You know what's next, right???

Monday, January 31, 2011

Broken... and Monday Weigh Day 1/31

Broken.  It's how I am feeling today.  I got on the scale hoping for a loss.  One stupid pound would have made my day.  What did I get?  Another big fat 235.  Again.

I couldn't help myself, and just cried.  I told Brian I was ready to stop, and didn't care. The tears streaming down my face said otherwise.  The words were just my way of trying to hide my insecurities and fear though.  I know the scale is not the best judge of progress, it's just the most convenient.  But knowing that in my heart doesn't mean my head wants to listen.  I do care.  I am not content to stop here.  But this mental game is hard.  So much harder than the work.

 ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

Object:  Lower the number you see each time you step on the scale.

Strategy:  Expend more calories than you consume.  For every 3500 calorie deficit, you will lose one pound.

Tools:  Exercise, nutritional labels on foods, willpower. **

Players: 1 **

Winning the game:  Set your sights on a goal, and actually make it there.

** other tools available, though not always used, include: friends, family, huge support networks.  People with these tools in place tend to do better than others.  As such, playing this game with someone else will increase your ability to play, and ultimately win, thus making this a multi-player game if done correctly. 

♦♦♦
New in this edition -   To make the game more interesting, we've included the most difficult option we could come up with!  We like to call it, "Your HEAD!"  If you can overcome your HEAD and still manage to lose weight, fabulous.  Please remember your HEAD will throw things at you that are difficult to surpass - fear of failure, lack of self-worth, doubt, just to name a few.

Reviews for ♦Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition♦

"Whoa!  This game was intense.  I was plodding along, doing great, when out of left field, my HEAD got in the way.  Made it hard to want to play anymore."
"Intense.  How people overcome your HEAD still is a mystery to me.  I haven't finished the game yet."
"Weight Loss the Game - Mental Edition is so much harder than I had expected.  It's 99.8% about overcoming your HEAD, and .02% about doing the work. "

I am still plodding along though.  I want so much more than 235.  I have to break it, instead of letting it break me.  So I ran this morning, even though I didn't want to.  I pushed it hard, even though I didn't want to.  Because though I didn't want those things, I DO want what they will get me.  So even though I don't like them today, I am using them to get me what I want.

For me, this is where it ends today.  Call it self preservation if you will.  I know I am.


*I apologize for the "poor me" post today, especially to Heidi.  I hate feeling like I am raining on her HUGE victory post.  I just can't beat this broken feeling today.  I fully expect to be back to my ass kicking ways soon. ♥


 
 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

a new me?

I did it. I have reached a goal. I lost 75 pounds! I was exhausted at work when I weighed myself, and I didn't realize it until the next day. I was chatting with Erin when I made the connection. I cried. And I cried some more. It was an odd feeling. I was so emotional, yet disconnected. It was a relief, yet I'm still battling with this damn boulder in my way. I took a shower, and cried. I hurried up and got dressed, and had my son take some pictures. I wanted to compare pictures. I wanted to see if I could see a difference in myself. I needed evidence of this moment. I would have preferred to have had my hair dried and straightened, make up on my face and a clean living room, but I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair was wet, my face was blotchy from crying, and my living room was far from clean. That was MY moment though! I will never forget it!

Here is who I was:

and this was me at 277:
And this is the newest me. 257 pounds and 75 pounds lost!


I am finally able to see some difference in myself. Between the last two pictures I can see how my t-shirt is fitting me much better and not so tight in the gut area. The jeans I'm wearing in my new picture are the same jeans I wore in the first picture. They were very tight on me and uncomfortable. Now they are so baggy I cannot wear them!


Can you see how baggy they are in the leg and butt area? That feels like accomplishment to me. That is concrete evidence that I am changing my body and I am losing weight. I will NEVER get rid of these jeans. They will always be there as a reminder.

So, where did all that weight go? Right to my nose!!


I rewarded myself with finally getting my nose pierced. It was something I've wanted to do for 10 years and I am so happy I got it done. Its a physical representation of how far I've come. Maybe my tongue for 100lbs lost? Nah, no need to turn into a human pincushion. But I do have to come up with a reward for when I reach my goal in April.

I ordered a new workout program, and I am so excited to start it! ChaLEAN EXTREME. Its a strength/resistance training program that goes for 90 days. You can lose up to 60% body fat! Its going to help me remain accountable, since it will only work if you actually do the workouts LOL I love Turbo Jam, and I will always do it I think, but I have become bored with it because its not a challenge for me anymore. I know the moves and I know whats coming next. I needed something new to keep me engaged and keep my interest. My cousin has Turbo FIRE and we are going to trade our Turbo's for a little bit. I will be doing cardio along with the strength. I'm hoping for dramatic results! I'm going to try to follow Erin's system, or a version of it, for reward points for working out, and working towards a goal. That will help me stay accountable as well. I really do not know what I want, but I have to figure it out soon so I can get it going when my ChaLEAN EXTREME gets here. Should I work towards new workout clothes? New workout shoes? Maybe a new workout program? I'll figure it out, and as soon as I do I'll share it with you!


Friday, January 28, 2011

Because I Can't Just Leave Well Enough Alone...

I am straying from my new running plan already.  Yeah, I know.  It hasn't even been a week.

But let me explain.  I am not going to change the frequency of my runs. I'm not even going to change how many miles I am planning on running -  for now.  I am just going to change my long run on Fridays a bit.  I started the Bridge to 10k running program today.  It's very very similar to the C25k program.  Even down to the I-look-ahead-and-freak-out part.  It just increases endurance and hopefully my speed a little at a time.  I love the set-up of the C25k, so I am thinking that the B210k will be just as awesome for me.  As the distance/time increases on the B210k plan, I will slowly up the ante on my other runs throughout the week, too.

I am on Day 3 of 4 this week, and am pretty happy with what I've gotten done.  I have my first 7+ mile week, and I ran 3.15 miles this morning on Day 1. It was a slower pace than my other 5k from 2 weeks ago, but that's okay.  I walked less than I did during that one, and I was sore sore sore from my day yesterday.

Monday, a friend gave me The Wave.  It really challenges your core, and I need all the help in that area that I can get.  I didn't have a chance to try it out until yesterday morning.  Let me just say this - doing lunges and squats while trying to keep you balance on a rocking platform is interesting.  And one hell of a workout.  I enjoyed it though.  Then, after I picked the Munchkin up from preschool, we headed to a friend's house for a play date.  About a mile before her house, I got S.T.U.C.K. in a huge snow drift.  In my defense, the road looked okay.  I could tell it had snow on it, but I never ever would have expected it to be like that.  I managed to call her before the cell phone died (oops!  guess I need to make sure I always have the car charger, huh?)  and tell her what was going on.  She sent 2 of her kids over to us with sleds and I pulled 90 lbs. of kid through 3 and 4 foot snow drifts to her house.  Talk about a workout!  I woke up this morning just aching.  Quite the adventures we have out here in the frozen tundra!

I am excited that this is our 46th blog post.  Heidi and I have been blogging away for almost 4 months.  Our 50th post is just around the corner!  And in case you've missed our NOT SO subtle hints, we have a give away coming up.  Something fun that I love!  Like maybe a fun piece of running (or any kind of workout, really) gear.  And maybe that post around the corner would be a good one to give it away in! :)  Keep your eyes peeled!

Monday, January 24, 2011

A good day!

From my post yesterday I'm sure you can tell that I felt at a stand still. That damned boulder was standing firm in my way. BUT its budged a smiggen. I am starting to peek around it and I can now see and face my journey once again!

Today I have had not one, but TWO NSV's!! TWO!!

Right now I am participating in a couple of challenges. The first challenge is a Shakeology challenge that my beach body coach is hosting. The challenge consists on drinking one Shakeology a day, dieting and exercising, and it is running for 21 days. Each Monday we send in our weight and our measurements. I was able to report that I lost a whopping one pound. Then I got out my tape measure and I realized that I lost 3 inches! I lost 3 inches this week! I even lost in my thighs which is the hardest part for me to lose in! I was very excited, and it motivated me more than anything else has lately. and I lost 1 inch off my hips.

Then I thought to myself "hmm, I wonder if I can fit into those jeans now." For Christmas my mother-in-law bought me some jeans. One pair in a size 22 which fit really well, and one pair in size 20, that were way to small I couldn't button them. I told my husband "That is okay because it won't be long until I can wear them. It gives me something to look forward to." As I was getting dressed for the day I decided to try them on. I pulled them up thinking "this isn't going to be good" but... I got them up. Then I tried to button them... and I was actually able to button them. I was even able to zip them! I cried! I have lost about 74lbs and I had only lost 1 jeans size. Now I can say I've lost 2! I can't believe it. This motivated me even more than the inches lost!

I needed these today. I KNOW I will win this battle!

Monday Weigh Day - 1/24 and New Running Plan

Ugh.  Up a pound today.  I thought I'd have a pound or two down today.  I was yesterday... stupid scale.  Oh well, there's always next Monday, right?

Moving on -

My new shoes have been just as wonderful as I thought they would be!  I've got 4 miles on them so far, and I am not disappointed.  I am sweating so much though that I lose focus about 25 minutes in, and then I want to stop.  I keep forgetting to grab a towel, so I am just wiping it all away with my hand or the bottom of my t-shirt, but it's just not cutting it.  I've been looking into some sweat management options though.

I have a new goal to add to my list -

I want to run 365 miles in 2011.  Yep, one mile for every day of the year.  I am at 16.23 miles for the year so far.  My week + off hasn't helped me stay on track, but I am going to make it, I know I am! Over on the right side bar, there's a little widget that is so very kindly keeping track of my miles, both for 2011 and total.  You can follow along if you like.
 I have a new running plan, too.  I am going to start running Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday.  Fridays I am going to try to lengthen my runs, and try to get to 3.1 miles (or a 5k :) ) each week, and then on Saturdays I will do a shorter recovery run.  I am excited to start pushing my running again.  I still haven't settled on the 5k I want to run... seems like every time I find one that I am excited about, it turns out that Brian has to work that weekend. :(  But I am determined to get one under my belt SOON!

As we only have a week left in January (how is this possible!?!?), I have been spending a little time reflecting on the month, and everything that I have accomplished.  I am so proud to not only have finished the C25k, but also kept running.  Running is a part of who I am now, and I don't think I would have it any other way.  What have you done this month to make YOU proud?  Please share with us, either here on the blog or on the 2 Fat Chicks Facebook page.  Looking forward to hearing from you!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

All those bruises make me whole...

I haven't been a very good blogger lately. I'd like to say I've been busy, but honestly I've just been lazy. I've been lazy, and depressed, and disgusted with myself. I have stumbled and made a huge detour on my journey. I'm trying to turn around, and find my way back but there is a huge boulder and I can't seem to find my way around it, or up and over it.

I feel like I was doing so well for a while, and since I've taken this detour in my weight loss journey everything in my life got off track as well. My marriage, my parenting, my self-esteem. My marriage is back on track, my parenting has improved as well. My self-esteem is in the shitter and I don't know how to get it back. I think that is my biggest problem right now. Thank you depression! I know I am worth it, but the unreasonable nagging voice in the back of my mind is telling me that I won't ever get to where I want to be. I have so far to go! I feel like I haven't made any progress at all!

So... my project from here on out is to be nice to myself. I need to be my own best friend, and I need to push myself and prove it to myself that I am worth it, that I can and will do this! I have 27 pounds to lose until I reach my goal in April. I have to bust this out because I REFUSE to fail.

There is a song that has really been speaking to me lately. Stay the Same by Shaman's Harvest.

When I trample on my destiny
I'm cutting out the best in me
With an unskilled hand and a heavy heart
Beaten back
I aint wishin to see better days
So someone help collect the pain
I was blind but now I surely see
Was deaf now I began to sing
Oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But that ice that runs within your veins
Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same

I refuse to give up on myself and I cannot give up this journey. I cannot allow my fear of failure to shape my future. When I give into the failure I "trample on my destiny" and "cutting out the best in me"


Though the progress may sometimes seem slow
All those bruises make me whole
And I can not for the life of me
Worry bout the life in me
...
Won't apologize for who I am
You're hurting me because you can

I do think the progress is so slow. Much slower than I'd like it to be. And I have a long ways to go, and that is so frustrating. But the bruises, the journey, is going to be what makes me ME! This journey is shaping the person I am, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally. I can only pray that along this journey I become whole, and I learn to love the me I turn out to be.

And oh I can promise you that I can make everything alright
Then we would think on of these years we've kept up this fight
Oh I could scream until my lungs turn blue
Try to change these walls protecting you
But the ice that runs within your veins

Oh see I've changed
Can you say the same
Can you say the same
Oh can you say the same
Can you say the same


I've kept up this fight for this past year and a half, almost 2 years. I'll continue to fight as long as I need to to make myself alright. I totally feeling like screaming until my lungs turn blue. I'm fighting the fight of my life, and I'm fighting against myself. How messed up is that? But its true. At the end I will be able to say that I've changed. This fight is about so much more than my weight. Its for my health, my future, my self worth, and love for myself. Someday I'll figure it all out.

So, for now, I'm barricaded by fear of failure, self-loathing, disgust and disappointment. But, I'm keeping up the fight! I'll find a way around the boulder and I'll be able to look up the mountain with a renewed spirit, and excitement for the future!