Its not good.

I am ashamed. There is no other way to say it. I haven't exercised in weeks. I haven't fallen completely off my diet, but it hasn't been the greatest either. I'm in a rut. I'm suffering a mental block. I don't know the exact reason why I've gotten so far off track. All I know is that I'm here, and I don't know how to fix it.

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). My entire life I have never had a normal menstrual cycle unless I was on birth control, or fertility medication. Until this past year at least. For a good six months my period came at the end of the month without fail. During this time I'd have the weirdest symptoms then after those symptoms subsided I'd get very depressed. Severely depressed. Then I'd get my period and I'd feel normal again. It took me a few months to realize that the symptoms I was feeling was my ovulating, and I was suffering some sort of post ovulation depression. Well, my periods ceased for a few months. It came back last month, along with the severe post ovulation depression. That was the beginning of my downfall.

Then work got crazy. A PM shifter was let go, so one of my midnight shift co-workers filled in her spot, and I filled in my co-workers shifts when it was possible. I'm a part timer. I like being a part timer. So here I am working full time hours, not used to it. Depressed, and sleeping my days away. Exercise went to the wayside because I really didn't have time.

Just as I'm starting to pull myself out of the trench, tragedy tore our small community apart. A 15 year old sophomore at a local high school held his classmates and teacher hostage with 2 handguns. It all ended with the police storming the room, and this child shooting himself. He died the next day. Now I wasn't involved personally, nor did I know anyone involved. But, we used to live a mile down the road from this high school. My husband works in this town. As a parent, as a human, I was terrified for those kids and their parents. I cried for them.

The next morning I dropped my son off at school My old high school welcomed alumni to sing with the high school chorus for the christmas concert. I was heading into town to practice with the chorus class when I got a call. It was Jamie, a close friend, co-worker and my husbands cousin. She informed me that my sons school was on lockdown, surrounded by cop cars and fire trucks, and there was a bomb threat. I was terrified! I turned around and went straight to his school. I didn't know if he was afraid, if the school was going to evacuate or if they would dismiss the students. The elementary school was on lockdown, but they didn't receive the threat, and they were safe, and going on as usual. The high school, however, was another story. Jamie's daughter attends that school as well as other cousins. My house is across the street from the high school, surrounded by the drama. We were all very thankful when the kids were signed out and released. And relieved when hours later two bomb sniffing dogs cleared the building. I swear it took years off from my life though.

Last night was the alumni concert. I went on stage with zero practice, and not knowing two of the songs. I was pretty much terrified. It went alright though. It was a late night. We went out to eat afterwords, and bowled a game as well. Didn't get home until 10:30. Poor Ethan was so patient and was so well behaved he deserved to have some fun.

That leads me to today. I slept for a full 12 hours last night. And in all honesty I've been on the couch reading and surfing the net since I woke up. I have to work tonight, and I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow. I'm working full time hours again this month. I'm exhausted at the thought. I want daylight hours in which to do what I need to do. I want privacy to workout. I want time to reflect and plan. I don't have that time. My life, at the moment, is taking care of others. I am a caregiver, but it often gets to the point where I don't take care of myself. I NEED the quiet time. I need time to chill on facebook. I need time to read. I need time to listen to music and chat with friends. I need time to breath!

SO, there it is. I'm struggling. I haven't gained any weight, thankfully, but I cannot seem to get my head back into the game. I'm feeling selfish, and quite frankly, lazy.