depression... its whats for dinner

I am forcing myself to write this blog today. I really don't want to write it. I don't know what I want to say. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I've pretty much given up on caring about how I eat. I've stopped exercising. I have gained back a few pounds. I'm turning to food for comfort. I feel empty. I'm numb. Pretty much hopeless. My anxiety has been very bad. I got a migraine last night. Woke up with it yet this morning. I don't know if its because of my earache (maybe pressure from an infection?) or if its just a migraine. I've been sleeping a lot. I feel constantly stressed out over everything. My house is a mess but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm eating like shit, and I don't really care. Yet I feel guilty over all of it. I've been a bad friend (I am so sorry Erin!) I am trying very hard to put on the 'mask' and be a good mom and a good wife. Doing what I have to to get through the day so I can enter into my comfort zone of my couch and blanket. Last night was the first in a few weeks that I didn't crave carbs and chocolate. I just didn't care to do anything. I didn't want to read, didn't want to watch TV. I just wanted to lay here.

My depression takes everything out of me. It leaves me a shell of myself. I don't enjoy things I usually do. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing to give. So, please, forgive me! Please forgive my bad attitude, my lack of blog posts, and the addition of pounds on the scale. I'm disgusted with myself, I really truly am!

I'm going to try to give myself a few small, healthy goals to reach daily. I'm hoping that by meeting these goals I'll gain more confidence and I'll be able to bust out of this depression sooner rather than later.

GOALS:
1) Drink 1 shakeology a day as a meal replacement. (drank it for breakfast today)
2) State 1 thing I am thankful for each day. I will do this on facebook (Heidi Oczus if you want to add me)
3) Dance everyday! I don't think I have it in me to pull out a full workout, but I know I can turn on some music and dance to a few songs. I promise I will dance to at least 1 fast paced song everyday!


Those are all I can come up with right now that I know I will be able to stick to. I have others in mind like "do dishes everyday" but I know that isn't a reachable goal right now and I don't need anymore stress at the moment.

You Know You're a Winner When...

You wrote comment #10!

Congratulations Jessica!  I will be contacting you for your shipping information.  Thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway.  We're hoping to bring you more, and soon!

♥ Erin & Heidi

I Amazed Myself Today!

After my first 10 mile week, I decided 10 miles every week would be my goal.  Last week's long run was a tad thwarted by 3 spills on the ice in less than 24 hours.  Gotta love living in the frozen tundra.  Anyway, last week I only managed to run 3 times, but still got in a solid 6.13 miles, thanks largely in part to the virtual 5k.

This week, I am on track for an 11-mile, yes, ELEVEN, as in 10 + 1, week.  I ran another 5k on Monday, 2 days after the Running Mate 5k.  This one was another virtual 5k for ♥Valentine's Day♥ on dailymile.  I figured I would just get it done, no matter how long it took.  2 days after the first 5k, I had no real hope of any kind of PR, but lo and behold, I finished in 49:21, a full :50 faster!

My long run this week was another 4 miles.  My first 4 mile run, I managed to keep a 17:34mm pace.  Today, I totally blew that out of the water.  4 miles at an average 15:20mm pace.  I've been doing a lot of walk/run intervals on the treadmill.  I have such a hard time running for long periods of time on that stupid thing.  I really have started to think of it as the DREADmill.  I love the running, but I just can't seem to keep running, even though I KNOW I can.  I hope this is still moving me forward, getting me closer to my goals.  I do have to say though, running at 5.0 - 6.5mph is a lot easier now than it was.  I can run that fast for a solid minute at least now, and before, 15 seconds made me feel like I was going to puke or die or both.  So that is progress!

Oh yes, one other thing.  I have *gulp* decided I am going to do the Pinedale Half Marathon in town in September.  I am a tad scared, but since it is walker friendly, I am going to give it my best shot.  I have 7 months to train for it from now, so I am hoping I can walk less than half of it, and run the rest of it. Still working on finding my first 5k - Brian's schedule conflicts with almost every one I have found that is somewhat close to the frozen tundra.

The giveaway closes tonight at 10pm.  I am getting a night out with some girlfriends, so I am not sure when I will get the winner drawn and posted on here.  I fully intend to NOT be home by 10, but stranger things have happened.  If nothing else, early tomorrow morning I will have it up.  The 10pm closing still applies - any comments left after 10pm will be deleted! :)

Making strides!

So the pun is sort of intended.  :)  Yesterday I ran my second Virtual 5k hosted by Running Mate.  This was the Running Mate Sweetheart Virtual 5k.  You were supposed to try to get your sweetheart to run with you.  I don't know that I am ever going to be able to get Brian to run with me, so I am okay going it alone.

However, the big news... I knocked 1 minute and 36 seconds of off my January Virtual 5k.  I got my 5k done in 50:11.  Still turtle pace for most, but I was very happy to see I have gotten a little faster in a month!

My running week wasn't as good as I had hoped.  On Wednesday/Thursday, I managed to fall on the ice 3 times, each time hurting/landing on my right leg.  I have a nasty bruise, some scrapes and a really sore knee.  I managed to get in 6 miles last week, so I am still pretty happy about that.  I can come back strong tomorrow and get another 10 miles this week.

I will leave you with a quote my buddy Jess shared last week that resonates with me so much.  I need to try to remember it all the time when I am running.  ♥

"If you run, you are a runner. It doesn't matter how fast or how far, it doesn't matter if today is your first day or if you've been running for twenty years. There is no test to pass, no license to earn, no membership card to get. You just run." - John Bingham

I am jelly, and I'm kinda loving it!

I am feeling pretty amazing right now, if not a bit tired. I woke up feeling blah and depressed. I had to force myself to get my ass off the couch and press play. I am loving this new workout program. ChaLean Extreme is intense! It focus' on resistance and weight training. I've shied away from strength training in the past. My focus was always on cardio and building stamina. I still have to drink a million oz of water during each of my workouts but my stamina has gotten a lot better. Cardio isn't giving me what I want in a total body makeover, however.

So, here I am with ChaLean Extreme. Its a 3 month program, and you workout 3 days a week. The first month is called the Burn Phase. You do more repetitions at a lower weight or resistance to reach fatigue, which is where your muscles start shaking, and you feel like you just cannot do anymore. This month revs up your metabolism and gets your muscles working. The second month is called the Push Phase. In this phase you lift heavy, and do fewer repetitions. The third month is called the Lean Phase and it brings it all home, and this is the month in which you see amazing results.

Today was only my second workout with this program. Let me tell you one thing... towards the end of the workout my muscles were jelly and shaking and I was trying to do push ups and I was yelling obscenities to the television. BUT I pushed passed that sweet amazing pain and I finished. I wanted to cry. Its such an intense program and I was feeling some really intense emotions. Most of all I felt pride that I finished something that was hard for me. It was hard for me to get up and do the workout today. It really was. I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to move. I wanted to wallow in my depression because that is the easy thing to do, and that is what I am used to. But I forced myself to get up, and I forced myself to push play, and I am so glad I did. I cannot wait to feel stronger and stronger. I cannot wait to build muscle. I cannot wait to see how this changes my body. Most of all I cannot wait to see how I change as a person. I can only hope I become stronger mentally and emotionally as well

Running Down a Dream

Yeah running down a dream
That never would come to me
Working on a mystery
Going wherever it leads
Running down a dream


I felt so good like anything was possible
I hit cruise control and rubbed my eyes
The last 3 days the rain was unstoppable
It was always cold, no sunshine

- Running Down a Dream by (the great) Tom Petty

Okay, so it wasn't a dream I was running down this week, but it was a goal.  One I needed to meet after the last weigh day.  One of my dailymile buddies challenged me to set a goal I knew I could reach this week, for the confidence boost.  I decided to set out to run more in 7 days than I've ever run before.  Last week I had my personal best week at 9.22 miles.  I figured even if I got to 9.23 that would be an accomplishment, and more than I've ever run.  Well, before Friday's run, I was sitting at 4 miles.  I knew I'd be getting in 3.1 at least, but I figured I could push it a little more.  I ran 4.01 miles Friday.  I started by following the Week 1 Day 2 of the Bridge to 10k, and when I got done with that, I just continued with the run/walk intervals until it was time for the cool down.  4 miles!  In one go, I double my weekly mileage.  That was an amazing accomplishment for me.  My legs felt like jell-o when I was done, but the amount of pride I had was worth it.

Yesterday, I added a nice round 2.0 to that for a grand total of
10 miles!
In one week!  For me!  The fat chick that runs.  Ahhh, the sweet sweet taste of success! I needed the boost in confidence.

Today is Super Bowl Sunday, and I've decided it's a free day for me.  I got on the scale this morning, and it was 235 again (*sigh*) so I am going to use today's weight for this week, and skip Monday weigh day tomorrow.  Maybe I can figure something out this next week that will switch things up a tad.

Have a fabulous weekend!
♥

Sweat Managed.... and a giveaway (closed)

Okay, so remember how I posted here about how I was sweating so much during my runs that I lost focus around the 25 minute mark?  And I kept forgetting to grab a towel so I was basically SOL (your hand is only so absorbent, you know).  


Houston, we no longer have a problem.  I have discovered the secret to absolutely ZERO sweat in my eyes while I am running.  

Enter      .

A few people mentioned them to me after I posted that I needed to work on sweat management.  After spending entirely too much a little bit of time on their site, I knew I was hooked!  They have some really cute light sweat wicking headbands that are cute and patterned.  But for those of us who look like drowned rats sweat a little more while working out, they have heavy sweat wicking headbands, too.  And let me warn you before you go over there... they have a TON of them.  Literally page after page of fun sayings, and fun ways of displaying your accomplishments (I will have either the 10k or half-marathon one come September). There are neat wicking hats; regular style, pony tail style and also pig tail style! They also have fun things for your kiddos or furry friends, too!

I got my Bondi Band last week, and I've used it on all of my runs, and other work outs too.  Let me just say, I  am SOLD!  I freaking love this thing.  Not once have I had sweat in my eyes.  Not once.  Granted, when I am done with a run, I can wring sweat out of it like you wouldn't believe (ew, yes, I know), but I don't ever have to worry about going sweat-blind again!  I got this snazzy little number right here - 

It says I run like a girl.  Also on my list to get are Suck it up, Cupcake, breathe., and about 10 others. :)  You know, just because.

I am absolutely in love!  They stay put, even on my big head, and keep fly away hairs out of my face too, which I find a tad bit distracting.  

♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦♦

THE GIVEAWAY IS CLOSED! CONGRATS TO OUR WINNER!

Soooo, I bet you're wondering about the giveaway part, aren't you?

Well, Bondi Band was cool enough to send me another band for one of you!  Staying with the whole "journey" theme that Heidi and I have here at 2 Fat Chicks, one lucky reader is going to get a  The JOURNEY is the reward headband.  It looks just like this - 

Wanna win it?  This is what you've gotta do: (mandatory entry)   Head over to Bondi Band and check it out.  Then come back here and tell me what your favorite item is on THIS post.

Additional entry methods (leave a comment for each):

1. publicly follow 2 Fat Chicks with a Mission on google friend connect (1 entry)
2. tweet about this contest, be sure to include your time stamp in your comment (1 entry per day)
3. blog about this giveaway, be sure to include a link in your comment (1 entry)
4. like 2 Fat Chicks With a Mission on Facebook (1 entry)

Contest Deadline:

Friday, February 18, 2011 at 10pm MST

The fine print:  Open to residents of the United States.  The winner will be notified by email and will have 48 hours to respond, so make sure I have a valid email address. Email addresses will not be sold or used in any other way than to notify the winner.

Disclaimer:  I was provided one Bondi Band free of charge for my honest review, and also one for the giveaway.  I received no other monetary compensation.

And the Award Goes to....

US!  Brandi over at Ohhhh... Flaxy Lady likes our blog so much that she gave us the

Thank you so much Brandi!  We're very honored. :)

Now, the nitty gritty of this award...

1. Link back to the person who gave the award to you
2. Share seven things about yourself
3. Pass the award on to recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact those bloggers and tell them they’ve won.

Since there are 2 of us, lucky you, you get 7 things about each of us!

Heidi's 7 Things:

1) I live in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan, on the border of WI, deep in the heart of Packer country. We are so proud and excited for the superbowl!

2) I am addicted to Diet Pepsi. I get horrible headaches without it. I'd like to wean myself off, but for now its an indulgence that I hang on to.

3) I love music. I live for hard rock, metal and alternative music, but I will sing and dance to just about anything, just because I can't help myself.

4) I love to laugh, and I have a very inappropriate sense of humor. Tosh.0 is a favorite in our home, along with most anything on Adult Swim. Except for Squidbillies. I do not understand that show.

5) I am a huge reader. I read mostly Paranormal Romance novels. My favorite series ever are the Black Dagger Brotherhood series. JR Ward is a genius! I also love Gena Showalter, Kresley Cole, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Lara Adrian.

6) I am a horrible housekeeper. My house is constantly messy and out of control. I do not know how to change this, although I'd love to.

7) I keep the hours of a vampire. I work midnight shift and now my usual waking hours are all night long, and I get my best sleep during the day. If I have to sleep at night it takes me a long time to fall asleep, and I still am tired during the day. I complain about my job a lot, but I really do enjoy it. I get to help people who truly need it all night long and I wouldn't give that up for a good nights sleep!

Erin's 7 Things:

1.  Brian and I have been together almost 1/2 of my life.  We started dating when I was a sophomore in high school.  This November will be 15 years, and 1/2 of my life.  He still makes me feel like he did when we were in high school.  

2.  I stopped going to college after 3 years.  I never could decide what I wanted to be when I "grew up," so I stopped wasting my time and our money.  I've had lots of different jobs, and liked all of them for different reasons.  I've been a portrait photographer, CNA, medical biller (sorta), and nanny, to name a few.  If I had to go back to school for something, I would be a nurse. My favorite though would have to have been a barista (though not at Starbucks, sadly).  See #3 for clarification.

3.  I LIVE for coffee.  I drink it all.day.long.  All night, too.  And no, I don't switch to decaf at some point during the day.  I prefer it light and sweet, but I can do black if that's my only option.  I really, really like the Caffe Verona blend from Starbucks right now (you know, in case you wanted to help support my habit or something - jk).

4.  I am pretty creative.  I do lots of crafty things - I paint, sew, bake, design, decorate cakes and on and on and on.  I can't stick to just one thing ever, and always have about 100 projects going at once.

5.  I am not adventurous. I tend to stick the the straight and narrow whenever I can.  I don't even like to speed.  BUT, if give the chance, I would be on The Amazing Race in a heartbeat.  I don't care about the prize money... I just want to travel like that.

6.  I have a ridiculous memory for song lyrics.  I also have a very eclectic taste in music, so I can sing along with Miranda Lambert and Taylor Swift, then turn around and sing along with AC/DC and Def Leppard.  I consistently surprise my mom with the lyrics I know.

7.  In most relationships, it is the guy that is the techie.  Not mine.  I have a list of electronics that I want that's about a mile long.  An iPad , a Cricut , but the Holy Grail of electronics that I want right now is this - the Garmin Forerunner 305 .  Brian on the other hand is content with his vinyl albums and reel-to-reel tapes.  How  I managed to find an 85 year old man gallivanting around in a much younger guy's body, I will never know! :)

Now, for our nominations... in no particular order:

• Taking Less Space
• From the Couch to the Concrete
• Fat Like Me
• She Likes to Run
• Cupcakes to Carrot Sticks
• Singing for a Smaller Me

We enjoy these blogs, and we hope you'll check them out, too!

♥,

H & e




pssssttttt...... if you are keeping track, this is post #49!  You know what's next, right???