I am forcing myself to write this blog today. I really don't want to write it. I don't know what I want to say. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I've pretty much given up on caring about how I eat. I've stopped exercising. I have gained back a few pounds. I'm turning to food for comfort. I feel empty. I'm numb. Pretty much hopeless. My anxiety has been very bad. I got a migraine last night. Woke up with it yet this morning. I don't know if its because of my earache (maybe pressure from an infection?) or if its just a migraine. I've been sleeping a lot. I feel constantly stressed out over everything. My house is a mess but I can't bring myself to do anything about it. I'm eating like shit, and I don't really care. Yet I feel guilty over all of it. I've been a bad friend (I am so sorry Erin!) I am trying very hard to put on the 'mask' and be a good mom and a good wife. Doing what I have to to get through the day so I can enter into my comfort zone of my couch and blanket. Last night was the first in a few weeks that I didn't crave carbs and chocolate. I just didn't care to do anything. I didn't want to read, didn't want to watch TV. I just wanted to lay here.
My depression takes everything out of me. It leaves me a shell of myself. I don't enjoy things I usually do. It takes everything and leaves me with nothing to give. So, please, forgive me! Please forgive my bad attitude, my lack of blog posts, and the addition of pounds on the scale. I'm disgusted with myself, I really truly am!
I'm going to try to give myself a few small, healthy goals to reach daily. I'm hoping that by meeting these goals I'll gain more confidence and I'll be able to bust out of this depression sooner rather than later.
1) Drink 1 shakeology a day as a meal replacement. (drank it for breakfast today)
2) State 1 thing I am thankful for each day. I will do this on facebook (Heidi Oczus if you want to add me)
3) Dance everyday! I don't think I have it in me to pull out a full workout, but I know I can turn on some music and dance to a few songs. I promise I will dance to at least 1 fast paced song everyday!
Those are all I can come up with right now that I know I will be able to stick to. I have others in mind like "do dishes everyday" but I know that isn't a reachable goal right now and I don't need anymore stress at the moment.