The One Where I Can See the Future

What, you didn't know I was psycho psychic?  But I AM!  I can see the future.

Do you want to know what I see?  I see me running my first 5k.  I see my husband and sons at the end of it, yelling and cheering for me as I get closer and closer to the finish line.  The finish line!  I see the finish line of a 5k.  And not from a spectator standpoint either.  From that of a competitor.  Do you know what it looks like?  It's amazing.

That's what I saw today on Week 2 Day 2 of the c25k.  I had to visualize it.  If I hadn't, I don't think I would have been able to finish.  I ran Day 1 on Thursday at the gym, and felt great.  I ran Day 2 today at home, and thought I was dying.  It has to be the incline on my treadmill, right?  What else could explain how much harder it was today?  But I did it still.

And you know what?  Though I know the view of that finish line is gorgeous - I bet the feeling of being there is even better.  I'll let you know.  Just gotta wait for the future to get here.

As far as my eating is going, I've been doing pretty good.  I won't lie to you and say it's been 100% and I have no room for improvement.  But I DO think about things a lot more before I eat.  And I really make it a point to look at food as fuel and not comfort.  I am trying to find comfort in other things, myself mostly.  That can be a bit trying at times.  I know I won't be disappointed by food - it's the same.  It can't hurt my feelings or tell me it hates me or fight with it's brother.  But it WILL make me unhappy in the long run.  So I try to remember that.  And try to move on.  And be happy with me. Because you know what?  I rock!  And so does Heidi. :) ♥

Oh, and as an aside, there is nothing like having to stop a run to wipe someone's butt.  Talk about a reality check. :)

The One Where I am Feeling Great

I had 4 hours to myself today.  An occurrence so rare, I didn't know what to do with myself. Matthew, my 4 year old goes to preschool 2 mornings a week for 4 hours.  We live so far out of town that I usually try to find something to occupy the other 2 and myself until it's time to pick him up.  But today, Brian had the day off, and I was able to leave Christopher and Nicholas with him.

I dropped Matthew off and headed to the Pinedale Aquatic Center (PAC).  There is a water aerobics class at 8:30 that I've been trying to get to on Brian's Thursday off for a while.  He only has every third Thursday off, so it's not too easy.  I loved it.  It was a great workout - in fact, that's the warmest I've ever been in that pool.  When I was done, I wasn't sure if I could start Week 2 of the c25k, but I figured if nothing else, I'd at least walk on one of the treadmills for a half an hour or so.  I surprised myself, and was able to run all 6 intervals - this week is 90 seconds of running followed by 2 minutes of walking.

I am feeling great about this.  It's still hard, but I am loving it more and more everyday.  And *ahem* unofficially the scale said 250 this morning!  I can't wait for Monday!  And I really hope that keeps me out of the kids' Halloween candy this weekend! hee hee

Life got in the way!

Please excuse my last blog post. I had a bad day, and I let the stress get to me. I felt that everything was out of my control, and I wasn't dealing well with the frustration. Life got in the way! I have PCOS, and (TMI warning) I had just gotten my period after its been absent for three months. We had taken a ride to Green Bay and eaten horrible the entire day. Work was stressful. My husband hasn't been feeling well, been missing work, and was in the ER. I kept my son home from school on Tuesday. School was called off yesterday because of the wind storm. I didn't have the quiet time to myself that I usually do during the week. I use that time to workout, plan what I eat, and take care of myself. Without that time I felt out of control, and I didn't like it at all.

I am a caregiver by nature. I'm a CNA, a wife, a mom. I love my job (most of the time LOL), I love my husband and my son more than anything. What I'm learning, though, is that I have to take care of myself as well, and that I cannot take care of everyone's needs all the time. So, I have learned to exercise when I want/need to exercise, no matter who else is around, or what else is going on. I had a major fear of working out in front of my husband. While I still experience anxiety over it, I have to just do it, and I have! Ethan even Turbo Jam'd with me the other day. I have also learned to ask for help. After my husband got out of the ER the other day I had to stop and get gas. Our gas station is attached to an A&W, and I had a craving for cheese curds. I asked my hubby "are you hungry? Cause we can head through the drive-thru. I want cheese curds." He was amazing, and he talked me out of it! Then last night I had slept all day after working. The last thing I want to worry about when I wake up is supper. I told him that he was in charge cause I wasn't making anything. He took Ethan to the grocery store. He made a big, beautiful spinach salad. It was super healthy and filling! I was able to eat healthy all day because of his support!

I also have created a mini support system of friends online. Erin is one of my biggest supports and motivation. She is completely rocking her Couch to 5K program! I became a beachbody coach to help hold myself accountable.

In the end we all have to reach out for help and support. We cannot do this on our own. At least I know I can't! I know that the feelings of being out of control is a trigger for destructive behavior that will derail me. When I get those feelings I will reach out. I will ask for help. I will find time to exercise when I feel I need it.

Frustrated

I am so frustrated. And I feel selfish because I am frustrated. I am a wife and a mother, and my family comes before myself always. Usually I can take time for myself, and I find that I really need that time to stay sane, and stay the course of this journey. Unfortunately lately I can't find this time. My husband is having a very personal pain issue, and is off from work for the rest of this week at least, probably next week as well. I've been spending more time in the car, which means more fast food temptation. I've been working which means I am exhausted and crabby, which usually also means I don't want to have to worry about what I'm eating. Today I came home from work, and my son was sick, so I got him situated and fed, and I climbed on the couch. I slept for 2 hours before my husband woke me up needing me to take him to the ER because his pain was so out of control. So I woke up, showered, got my son to my mother-in-laws house, took my husband to the ER, then to his work to get everything situated with his needed time off. Then it was to the pharmacy, to MIL's, back to the pharmacy, to the grocery store and home. I ate something quick, and easy and layed down to sleep some more. I had to take a 5 Hour Energy at the hospital because I was falling asleep in the waiting room. I slept about 3-4 more hours this afternoon. I had no time to exercise today. I had no energy to worry about what I was eating today. Tomorrow I have to sleep, and get my paycheck into my checking account. Thursday my husband has an appointment with the surgeon, and then hopefully he'll have surgery to take care of the issue very shortly after that. Between all of that I have to take care of my husband, take care of my son. But, that means I have no time left to care for myself. I feel very frustrated right now, and with the frustration comes feeling of selfishness. But, no time for that because it is now time for me to get my scrubs on and go to work.

We interrupt this Sunday morning....

to bring your attention to the tickers at the bottom of the page.

Heidi is currently having technical difficulties, but hers should say 59 lb lost. Hooray!!!

Mine is down 7lbs.!  7lbs!  Woohoo!!!

Ok, that's it.  You can now return to your regular scheduled whatever! :)

The One With Week 1 of the Couch to 5K COMPLETE!

I did it.

I ran for a total of 24 minutes this week. 8 minutes per workout.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Actually, today I did cry.  About halfway through the run, I broke down.  This is so hard.  I hate that it is so hard.  Giving up when I am in the middle of a run seems like such a good idea.  But then I visualize the scale, and what I want it to say on my weigh day.  And I push through.  But it sure doesn't feel like it's easier.  It still feels like I am going to die.  And I hate that.  I hate that I let myself get to this point.  It's not fun.  It's HARD!  Honestly, though I know your body forgets over time, I feel like having each of the boys was easier than a half an hour run is.  And I had two pitocin induced labors.

Next week scares me though.  I have to run for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to die at then end of 60 - how the hell am I going to feel at the end of 90? Lord, give me strength.  Please.  I can do it, right?  I am not feeling it right now... maybe Monday will be better.

I have to do my weigh day this week on Sunday.  Brian will be out of town Monday morning, and I have to rely on his eyes to tell me what the scale says.  We don't have a digital scale, and I can't see the little tick marks well enough to know what it really says.  Plus, the scale hates me and when I lean forward, its says I weigh more than I do.  Nice, huh?  I am kinda nervous, just like Heidi was. It'll be okay though, right?

Hope you are all having a great weekend!  Can't wait to see my Broncos try to cream the Raiders tomorrow! :)

The One With Things I Need to Remember

This is my list of things I need to remember as I start and continue on this journey. 

• I had 3 babies in 4 years and 6 weeks.  That took a toll on my body!
• I am not giving things up (sweets and unhealthy snacks), I am simply changing my treats to be more healthy and good for me and my goals.
• The weight didn't come on overnight - it's sure as hell not gonna come off overnight.
• Food is NOT a comfort mechanism.  It's a false sense of security. 
• I am going to do this.  I will come out of my shell.  Hiding throughout life is no longer an option.
• I want to LIVE!  Not just go through things day by day.  Every day that passes is a day I can NOT get back!
• I want my boys to be proud to have me as their mom.  I don't need to be the "cool mom" but I sure as heck don't want to be the "fat mom" anymore!
• This really is a journey.  There will be triumphs, but there will be detours.  I need to accept those detours as they come, and just try to find the quickest way back to my "highway to health." (And yes, you can sing that to the tune of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell.")

Heidi and I have both gotten some pretty awesome emails from friends and family, either thanking us for our bravery, or giving us words of support.  They are wonderful!  And please, if you are reading this, keep them coming, either in the comments of our posts or emailing us on Facebook.  You have no idea what they do for us in terms of motivation.  And I know we both have our days where we are waining in our motivation.  

I'm feeling it!

I'm feeling amazing right now! Today was the forth day I worked out this week. I did the Cardio Party on my Turbo Jam workout. Its about 50 minutes of cardio. Its so much fun! Its like a dancy version of kick boxing. There are two women in each workout that do the workout low impact, and I usually follow them. I have a long way to go and I won't ever get there if I kill myself right out of the gate right?!! So, I put on the workout and I'm having so much fun when I realize I'm not following the low impact girls. I'm doing the full impact workout. Well shortly after that I felt my energy dwindling, so I did low impact the rest of the way (but I didn't phone it in, I worked it out!), but that was a very good feeling. I am getting more energy! I'm a little bit sore, but with the soreness I'm actually feeling my muscles. I can feel them moving. I can feel my abs! I don't think I've ever felt my abs constrict when moving!

I did have a wake up call yesterday though. As I have written before I suffer from depression. No matter what I did yesterday I couldn't shake it. With the depression comes the cravings, and I gave in to the craving for my favorite chips. I ate a lot less than I usually would and I enjoyed them while I was eating them. Thinking "mmmm these are soooo good!!" And as I was cuddling on the couch with my husband after supper I started to feel ill. Not long after that I had a full blown sour stomach. All night long until well after bedtime my stomach was very upset. Its amazing how after only like 3 days of eating healthy my body recognized that those chips were the enemy. Thank goodness I felt better when I woke up.

I have also noticed that I'm sleeping better. Now, keep in mind that I haven't worked the past 3 nights (I am a CNA and I work night shift). But I am sleeping a lot better, and I wake up with more energy than usual. This is a definite plus for my insomniac self LOL

I did a search for the benefits of regular exercise and this is what I found from the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676

1. Exercise improves your mood.
2. Exercise combats chronic diseases.
3. Exercise helps you manage your weight.
4. Exercise boosts your energy level
5. Exercise promotes better sleep.
6. Exercise can put the spark back into your sex life.
7. Exercise can be — gasp — fun!

I've experienced AT LEAST 5 of these benefits in just this week! I know this is a turning point in my life, and my attitude and my outlook on life! I have a LONG way to go, but I won't ever go back to where I was!! My weigh in is tomorrow night, and I am kind of afraid. I won't let the number on the scale make or break me, but I will be disappointed if all this work, and effort I've been putting out won't show. I might weigh in tonight just to get it over with :)

The One With Week 1 Day 1 of the Couch to 5K

In pursuit of my goal to be a runner, I decided to start the Couch to 5K program.  It's a 9-week long program that gradually introduces more running each week.  You are supposed to run 3 days a week with a rest day in between.

I had started the C25K program in early 2010, but I only made it to Week 2.  I didn't have my head in the game, so to speak, and that caused mental blocks that manifested themselves as physical blocks.  If I'd stayed with it, who knows what I'd be doing now.  But the past is the past, I can't change it, I can only move forward from here. So anyway, back to last time.  I found the podcasts from Robert Ullrey, which are really very good.  They have the run/walk prompts and upbeat dance type music on them.  Part of my pitfall last time though was that there was no singing for me to get lost in.

So this time around, I figured I could have Brian build me my own podcasts with one of his music editing softwares.  Not the most fun thing for him to do, but he's supporting me in my journey, so he agreed to do it.  While I was searching iTunes for the podcasts that were just the prompts, I found this app I could put on my iPod Touch that would allow me to listen to my own playlists and still have all the prompts.  The Couch to 5K app for iPhone is great!  And it was only $3!  Best $3 I could have spent.

I did the first day yesterday after wasting almost 6 hours updating my iPod so I could get the stupid app to load.  It was hard, I am not gonna lie.  And I looked ahead to the coming weeks, and all I can say is EEK! I can't imagine running for 8 minutes at a time, let alone a 20 minute stretch!  That just seems so beyond what I can do.  But that's why it's a gradual program.  And I will do it!  It just may take me a little longer than 9 weeks!

And I promised some pictures of me.  I haven't gotten Brian to take the "before" pictures yet, but I do have a family photo from August.  You can see my 4 boys, who I spend my days taking care of when I am not taking care of me.  Enjoy!

discipline and accountability

Last week Thursday I received some unsettling news. My psychologist told me I lack self discipline. What? No way! That is news to me! Okay, okay, so it wasn't exactly that big of a newsflash, but it wasn't nice to hear it come from someone else. He was completely right, and I needed to hear it. I thought about it Thursday. I thought about it on Friday. I thought about it all weekend. Last night I decided to do something about it. Today I'm actively working on my issues of self discipline, and accountability.

I woke up, and made my son his lunch, helped him get ready and got him to school. I came home, took my medicine and had something to eat, and checked my facebook, and just started my normal "mellow out" routine. Then I though "oh today I really gotta get this done" and I thought "oh I really need to exercise today" So I went into my Open Office (free word processor, too cheap to pay for microsoft LOL) and I typed in a list. And I typed in everything that I will get done today. I will make this list everyday. This will be my way of holding myself accountable. I'm no longer allowing as much "me" time as I have been having. Whether I'm in a good mood or not, whether I'm tired or not, I will be doing this. Life is too precious to spend getting fatter and fatter on the couch.

What are some of the ways that you hold yourself accountable so you can reach your goals?

The One With the First 5 Pounds!

Yep, that's right!  I am 5 pounds down from my starting weight!  WOOHOOO!!!!

Okay, got that out of my system.  Well, not really, but I can control it for the rest of the blog post.  I've decided for me that Mondays will be my weigh days.  I have a feeling it will help to keep me more on track on the weekends if I know that Monday morning will be my official weigh-in.  I am getting on the scale periodically throughout the week, just to keep me on track too.  But those weights won't count for my goal or reward.

Now would be a good time for me to explain the reward system I have put in place for myself.  I have 2 systems in place - 1 for exercising and 1 for losing the weight.  They will work together hand in hand.  This is how it works for me...

• For every day that I exercise for at least 1/2 hour, I get a star on my chart.  When I have accumulated 7 days, I get one reward day.
• For every 5lbs. I lose on my "official" weigh-in days I get a week of reward days.

What's a reward day you ask?  It's a day to drive our new to us Suburban or Yukon XL.  We haven't actually purchased one yet, so for the time being I am just accumulating time.  My husband and I have vastly different ideas of how often we should drive this, so this is a good compromise for us, and something that I really want!!! 

As of right now, I am sitting at 8 days of driving it!  I can't wait.  

For my other goals, this is what I would like to do:

• Get down to 199lbs. (reward for this is a Cricut - man I can't wait) - 61lbs. lost from SW
• Run at least one 5k in the next 6 months (need to check into availability on these)
• Possibly run the 1/2 marathon in our town in Sept. 2011.
• BE a runner.  I want to have the ability to run.  I want stamina and lung capacity for this.

I didn't really have a date in mind for this.  I'd like to use Heidi's date though, so we are both working with the same goal in mind, and the same time frame.  I know that puts me a little over 2 lbs. a week, so I might need to adjust the date to slightly further in April.  However, I am not changing it yet.  If I start adjusting goals before I even start, then what's the point?  Gotta keep myself honest.

Along the way, I will be rewarding myself with things like new clothes as I need them.  I can't have that as a main goal right now because of how much I hate to shop.  Woo, a reward I loathe.  No thanks.  I am expecting this to change though.

What are some goals YOU are working towards?  How are you keeping on track?  

I am determined!

I have really been thinking lately about goals. I've been thinking about what I need my goals to be, and how I'll reach those goals. I had a complete mental block over this for a long while. Knowing I had to change something, and work towards something, but it never came to me what I'd work towards. I had an epiphany in the car. I want to lose 100 pounds! Not 100 pounds from where I'm at now, but 100 pounds total from when I started this journey in April of 09. It is a goal I'll be able to reach healthily. I wouldn't have to kill myself to get there, and I'd feel very accomplished. A goal I've been looking forward too for a while is even losing 75 pounds. I told myself a couple months ago that when my weight loss reached 75 pounds I would do something silly, and selfish, and something I've wanted to do for over 10 years. I'm going to get my nose pierced! When I lose 100 pounds I want to jump up and down and celebrate in a big way. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm thinking an out of town trip... maybe to the Tundra Lodge in Green Bay, or a romantic weekend getaway.

I decided that either Friday or Saturday nights will be my official weigh in nights, depending on what nights I work that week. So, last night was Saturday and I hopped on the scale. The scale beeped and I looked up and... 276! I lost 2 pounds! Very exciting, and I am thrilled! So now that I know my current weight, and I know my goal weight will be 232, its time for me to do some math and map it all out. Here is what I came up with:
~I have lost 56 pounds.
~I have 19 pounds to lose until I am officially 75 pounds lighter and I get my nose pierced.
~I have 44 pounds to lose by the first weekend of April 2011, and I will reach my goal of losing 100 pounds in 2 years.

I have 25 weeks to lose that 44 pounds. My mini-goal is to lose 2 pounds each week. If I maintain that 2lbs a week, that'll put me at 50 pounds by April, which is OVER my goal! I am so determined to do this! I will NOT FAIL!

The One Where I Own it

Ugh.  Here goes nothing.

260.  That's my starting weight.


Oh, a little too small you say?  Fine, have it your way.  260.  That's my starting weight.  Not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I need to own it.  I think that's a big step for me.  Not pretending it's something else, something lower.

I plan on posting pictures when I can get someone to take them for me.  I don't trust the photography skills of my 4 year old.  Call me crazy. I want to have something to look back on, to see how far I've come.

As a side note, my sister is here.  In my former life, I would have let the fact that I have company 1. be my excuse to not exercise (can't let any one know I am working on losing weight, ya know) 2. derail my eating (I am a KICKASS cook if I do say so myself, just not fabulous at cooking healthy entrees all the time) and 3. derail me completely - since I wasn't exercising or eating better, why bother at all.  NOT THIS TIME!  I made a healthy green chili for supper last night, will make baked chicken nuggets and baked squash tonight.

After I got done on the treadmill, she got on to do her workout.  I almost let watching her derail me.  She's a lot faster than I am - by at least 0.5mph, and then she does sprints too. But this time, I am letting her be something I aspire to be.  She's been going to the gym and working out for awhile, does kick boxing, etc.  She's  also a LOT lighter than I am.  So I will get there one day.  Maybe she and I will be able to do a 5k together, and not walk, and I will be able to keep up with her.  No, not maybe.  We will!  Just need to figure out when and how.

Its almost easy...

No part of this journey is easy. Some days are better than others, but everyday is struggle. I've had to change almost everything about my life. My daily routine, my meals and eating habits, my physical activity, my attitude, the way I related to my family. Its all had to change. Everyday is a struggle. Its a struggle that unless you've gone through it, or experienced yourself, you will never understand.

This journey requires me to aware of my surroundings. It requires that I am aware of my temptations and that I conquer them. Everyday I conquer them I celebrate. Today, however, I gave in. I'm tired, I'm not feeling well, and I was hungry. I wanted some comfort. I didn't want to come home, eat something healthy. I didn't want to deal with being "unsatisfied" in my hunger. I didn't have the fight in me. I gave in. I went through the Burger King drive through. My mind turned off and I went into "auto" mode. I got everything set up the way I like... took out my burger, and napkin, dumped the fries into the bag and put extra salt on. and I dug in. Halfway home I realized my food was gone. I don't remember eating it. I didn't want to deal with the dissatisfaction of coming home and eating something healthy, but now I'm dissatisfied because I ate what I wanted. Then I realized what it was that I ate. I ate fat, and ungodly amounts of calories. What I ate didn't nourish my body. What I ate is DESTROYING my body! I was ashamed!

I came home, changed out of my jeans and into my comfy pants, which is a normal part of my routine. I gather my kleenex and my cough drops and my diet pepsi (which is my vice, and something I'm working towards cutting down on, but the headaches are killer) and I sit on the couch to relax. I open up my laptop, log onto facebook, and I see Jillian Michaels posted this link:
http://gizmodo.com/5662271/watch-six-months-of-a-happy-meals-eternal-life?ref=nf

I also clicked the link on how chicken nuggets are made. If I was ashamed before, I'm completely gagging myself now. I willingly put that into my body? Why? To have an upset stomach, and a body that has no energy and feels like lead? BUT at the time I wanted it more than I wanted to lose weight. I wanted it more than my health. I will think of that article and those pictures every time I drive by one of those places. I will remember just how much "comfort" I gain by ingesting that food.

I have a song running through my head right now. Erin and I agreed we wouldn't post music on this blog. We both have different tastes in music, and we don't want to offend each other or any of our readers, as that would be counter productive to our goal. But I am going to share some lyrics. I hope that is okay, because these lyrics are speaking to me today. The song starts out with "I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise, cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways and that's the way it stays"

Is that how I feel? Afraid? I *am* afraid. I'm afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid of gaining weight, or even staying the same weight I am. I'm afraid of diabetes, heart disease, my size 22 pants. I'm afraid of losing weight only to gain it back. I'm afraid of giving up all those foods that have given me false comfort in my past. I'm afraid of trying food I've never tried before. I am afraid to change. I am afraid of failure!!

It is almost easy to sit here and say things like "you have to stay positive, you'll get through this, blah blah blah" but in all honestly this journey SUCKS! I hate it! I hate that I have to travel down this road. I hate that I have to face these demons. I hate facing this fear every single day!

Some days I will feel more positive. I will be more motivated. But everyday I will be facing my fears. I am so glad not to be facing my fears alone! I pray none of you will face them alone either!

*by the way, the song I am referring to is Almost Easy by A7X

The One Where I am Embarrassed

Webster's Dictionary gives the definition of embarrass as 

• to place in doubt, perplexity, or difficulties
• to cause to experience a state of self-conscious distress
• to become anxiously self-conscious

welcome to my life. 

Yesteday I was so gung-ho.  I was going to get on the scale and *gulp* actually post my starting weight.  It seemed so easy when it was "tomorrow."  Tomorrow wasn't now, wasn't something I had to worry about.  But then a little something sneaky called time happened, and *poof* tomorrow is RIGHT NOW.  I am still focused on moving in the right direction.  I know I am going to have detours and triumphs.  That part I am not worried about.

The part I am worried about is "what's everyone going to think?"  And I shouldn't be.  I can't go get back on the scale now and have it say something different.  Tomorrow I might be able to (there's that tomorrow word again) but there's not a magic pill that will make it happen now.

So while I do still plan on posting my starting weight, I don't have the courage to do it here, yet.  But I will.  Because it's only going to get smaller.  And I am only going to get smaller.  

On a happy note - 

Yesterday I did an exercise dvd that is a really great workout for me.  It's called Pick Your Level: Fat to Fit Fast.  I really do enjoy it.  In the throes of doing it, I hate it with every fiber of my being.  But when I am done, I feel good.  And more importantly, I feel proud of myself! 

This morning when I woke up, I was S.O.R.E.  But a good sore.  And I didn't let it stop me.  I did 32 minutes on the treadmill, keeping a 3.3mph speed.  And coughed up a lung my head off since I still have a bit of a cold.  But I did something. 

In the words of Disney's Meet the Robinsons - KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...

Hey everyone. My name is Heidi and I am a Fat Chick. Yup! I admit it! There is no hiding it. Trying to deny my obesity is like trying to hide my hazel eyes and brown hair. I wanted my first post here to explain where I've come from, and how I got to where I am today.

I was a normal, healthy size as a child. I remember one day in the 4th grade, when I was being teased and bullied over my poodle hair cut and perm job, thinking "at least I'm not fat, I have that going for me." However, not long after that, the weight started piling on, and would not quit. I was a junior in high school and I wore a size 22. I had just switched schools and I was miserable. Over the summer going into senior year I cut my hair. In my depression and desperation I cut it all off! I dyed it black and I spiked it all out. My attitude started changing. I started Senior year wearing black clothes, black make up, black hair. Boys started noticing me. I stopped eating. Boys started noticing me more, and more. I went from a size 22, to a size 14 in a short period of time. I was 17, so I had youth on my side, but I was on the borderline of anorexia. It got to the point in which a very very small amount of food filled me up. What I was eating had no nutrition at all. I was thinner, I was *happier* (or thought I was happier, but I was still empty inside) but I was still unhealthy. Maybe even more-so than I was when I was fatter. Then...

I met Tom. This man changed my life! From the moment I laid my eyes on him, he's been the love of my life! I slowly started to become comfortable with myself. I started to eat again. When we moved in together the only foods I knew how to cook where large amounts of processed, extremely unhealthy foods. I didn't know how to cook/eat healthy, and to be perfectly healthy I didn't even know what that meant.

When I was trying to conceive my son, I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short.) I was told that I had to go on a low carb and high protein diet, like sugar busters, and lose weight if I were ever going to get pregnant. I lost some weight. Not a significant amount, but some. It took 18 months before I became pregnant. I can't remember how much weight I gained while pregnant. I know I never took it off though.

I am a depressed person. My postpartum stage wasn't easy on me. I took care of my son, but forgot to take care of myself. Never truly living life, but going through the motions. The next couple of years were a tailspin. My mom passed away. We bought a home and moved. Through the miracle of clomid I became pregnant again. We found out it was an ectopic pregnancy, and we went through eight weeks of hell. It all ended in an emergency surgery. We started a major remodeling project on our home. We are STILL going through the remodeling project (ugh, can we say STRESS?) My husband went to Virginia for work for a few months, which left me home alone to do it all in middle of winter. I was at my breaking point. I coped through food. I am so ashamed to say that I would eat a huge 1lb candy bar every day. Sometimes two. A bag of chips everyday. Fast food whenever I had the opportunity. A King Size value meal at Burger King was no longer filling me up so I'd order an extra burger.

In March I was at the grocery store. I noticed a flyer for a weight loss group starting up soon. I grabbed the number and went home. I talked to Tom, and said that I had to do something to change, because I couldn't keep going the way I was. It took me a good week to call the number. I was sweaty, and my heart was beating out of my chest. Clearly in middle of an anxiety attack, but I called. Turned out the woman starting the group was the cashier at the grocery store. She told me the time and place, and I said I'd be there. The next time at the grocery store I told her how afraid I was. She said "I am too. We all are. But we are going to do it together" I walked in the door that night, and my blood pressure was through the roof. My anxiety was out of control. I was on the verge of tears. I didn't know it then, but that night changed my life. I sat down next to a woman who would turn out to be one of my best friends, and I met many other amazing people that night. I stepped on the scale and held my breath, and looked down. I weighed in at 332 pounds. The measuring tape didn't go all the way around my hips. This is what I looked like that night:


Tonight I weight 278 pounds and this is what I look like:




My motto's have been "small changes make a big difference" and "slow and steady win the race." It took time to put on all this weight, and its going to take a lifetime to change. My goal isn't to be skinny, its to be healthy. I want to be here for my husband and son for a long time. I want to feel good about myself. I want to do fun things with my son! I want energy. I want to be happy. and I want to LIVE LIFE!

In the beginning...

So every story has a beginning, and I guess this is mine.

I'm tired.
Tired of being overweight.
Tired of hating to shop for clothes.
Tired of not being happy with who I am.
Tired of pretending I am not fat.  It's not something I can hide.
Tired of hiding the fact that I am slowly but surely trying to get healthy.

I am coming out, in a sense.  I am not going to hide the fact that I am trying to live a healthier life.  I just have to find the courage to do it in the real world.  But I will take small steps, and get there eventually.

So, come along on this ride with us... you never know where the journey might lead us!