No part of this journey is easy. Some days are better than others, but everyday is struggle. I've had to change almost everything about my life. My daily routine, my meals and eating habits, my physical activity, my attitude, the way I related to my family. Its all had to change. Everyday is a struggle. Its a struggle that unless you've gone through it, or experienced yourself, you will never understand.
This journey requires me to aware of my surroundings. It requires that I am aware of my temptations and that I conquer them. Everyday I conquer them I celebrate. Today, however, I gave in. I'm tired, I'm not feeling well, and I was hungry. I wanted some comfort. I didn't want to come home, eat something healthy. I didn't want to deal with being "unsatisfied" in my hunger. I didn't have the fight in me. I gave in. I went through the Burger King drive through. My mind turned off and I went into "auto" mode. I got everything set up the way I like... took out my burger, and napkin, dumped the fries into the bag and put extra salt on. and I dug in. Halfway home I realized my food was gone. I don't remember eating it. I didn't want to deal with the dissatisfaction of coming home and eating something healthy, but now I'm dissatisfied because I ate what I wanted. Then I realized what it was that I ate. I ate fat, and ungodly amounts of calories. What I ate didn't nourish my body. What I ate is DESTROYING my body! I was ashamed!
I came home, changed out of my jeans and into my comfy pants, which is a normal part of my routine. I gather my kleenex and my cough drops and my diet pepsi (which is my vice, and something I'm working towards cutting down on, but the headaches are killer) and I sit on the couch to relax. I open up my laptop, log onto facebook, and I see Jillian Michaels posted this link:
http://gizmodo.com/5662271/watch-six-months-of-a-happy-meals-eternal-life?ref=nf
I also clicked the link on how chicken nuggets are made. If I was ashamed before, I'm completely gagging myself now. I willingly put that into my body? Why? To have an upset stomach, and a body that has no energy and feels like lead? BUT at the time I wanted it more than I wanted to lose weight. I wanted it more than my health. I will think of that article and those pictures every time I drive by one of those places. I will remember just how much "comfort" I gain by ingesting that food.
I have a song running through my head right now. Erin and I agreed we wouldn't post music on this blog. We both have different tastes in music, and we don't want to offend each other or any of our readers, as that would be counter productive to our goal. But I am going to share some lyrics. I hope that is okay, because these lyrics are speaking to me today. The song starts out with "I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise, cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways and that's the way it stays"
Is that how I feel? Afraid? I *am* afraid. I'm afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid of gaining weight, or even staying the same weight I am. I'm afraid of diabetes, heart disease, my size 22 pants. I'm afraid of losing weight only to gain it back. I'm afraid of giving up all those foods that have given me false comfort in my past. I'm afraid of trying food I've never tried before. I am afraid to change. I am afraid of failure!!
It is almost easy to sit here and say things like "you have to stay positive, you'll get through this, blah blah blah" but in all honestly this journey SUCKS! I hate it! I hate that I have to travel down this road. I hate that I have to face these demons. I hate facing this fear every single day!
Some days I will feel more positive. I will be more motivated. But everyday I will be facing my fears. I am so glad not to be facing my fears alone! I pray none of you will face them alone either!
*by the way, the song I am referring to is Almost Easy by A7X
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