another new beginning

I am SO HAPPY the holidays are over! I am SO HAPPY I no longer have an excuse to eat cookies, and sweets, and carbs, and junk. I got on the scale at work tonight and it was not good. Not good at all. I am sick of my cravings ruling me. I am so sick of the scale ruling me. So today is day 1 of "shock my system into losing a shit ton of weight" My plan includes: drinking more water than diet pepsi, eating lots of protein and very little carbs. I'm only planning on this being initially. I have got to cut my carb cravings and its gonna have to be cold turkey. Once I've lost this weight I gained back I will eat more carbs and get back to a more normal diet. But for now this is the way its gotta be. I worked a 12 hour shift last night, and I am exhausted. I won't get any exercise in today since I need to sleep, and my house is in need of attention. I work again tonight, and tomorrow night. I want to commit to doing Ab Jam everyday, but I'm not sure how realistic that is since I'm having a hell of a time finding time for anything lately. For today I'm watching what I eat and drink. Today is another new beginning!!!!!!!

Monday Weigh Day - 12/20 - TWENTY-FIVE POUNDS GONE!!!

I dropped another 4lbs. this week.  It has to be the running, right???  I don't know what else it could be.  I don't feel like I am depriving myself of anything.  Granted, I am not giving in to every cookie or candy or french fry that comes my way, but I am not totally avoiding sweets or treats either.  Could I actually have found a balance that works for me!?!?!  I feel great.  I got into my "skinny" 18s the other day, too.  I haven't worn these since right after my niece was born in 2008.  It felt awesome to have them on.

Okay, this has to be quick... I am a day behind on my running (whoops!) and I am just waiting for my iPod to be charged enough to go out and do my first outdoor run (eek!).

Monday Weigh Day - 12/13 - TWENTY POUNDS GONE!

Yes, I know it's Friday.  Trust me.  The "to do" list I have that has to be done before we go home for Christmas tomorrow morning is hanging over my head reminding me constantly that it's Friday.  But once again my weigh day post is late.  Sue me. :)

I lost 4 pounds last week!  That brings my grand total to 21lbs.!!!!  I was so shocked Monday morning that I made Brian check the scale 3 or 4 times before I believed him.  I have no idea what I did last week that made it such a fabulous drop, but I will take it.  Especially because I have no faith at all that Monday will bring another loss.  As a forewarning, my post is going to be late next week too.  We're heading to my father-in-law's house tomorrow, and I don't think I will get a chance to update until sometime Tuesday when we are at my parents.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!  And just say "NO" to the Christmas goodies.  I am going to try to, too!

The One With Week 6 of the C25k DONE! and Monday Weigh Day

Okay, so I know it's not Monday.  I've been a tad busy lately.  Oh well, it is what it is, right?

So Monday's weigh in was good - I am down 1 more pound to 243! 4 pounds and I will be in the 230s.  And I have lost 27.8% of my goal! That's 17lbs in less than 2 months!  But moving on to bigger and better news....

I finished Week 6 of the C25k today!  I can now call myself a runner and not feel like the few minutes of walking I was still doing were cheating.  I ran for 25 minutes today, with no walking!  And I had a personal record for both pace and distance on the treadmill.  From here on out in my C25k journey, it's ALL running.  No more intervals for this chick!

As an added bonus, on my Daily Mile news feed today, one of my biggest supporters (Brodie) gave me a big shout out.  He's been very consistent on my workouts of congratulating me.  And the coolest thing is that he noticed how well I've been doing.  He's got 900+ friends on there, but he's seen the work I've done.  In less than 4 hours, I've tripled the # of friends I have on there who will be supporting me and cheering me on.  I haven't been able to stop smiling!  So Brodie, thank you SO much for being there and seeing me and what I've done.  And thank you, each of you for being there, and letting me be accountable to you.  I know you are there and watching and reading.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...

I had an idea for a blog post earlier, but then I forgot it. LOL I wanted to come on, and let you all know that I worked out! I did the 20 Minute Cardio with Turbo Jam. It was fun, and I am glad I did it. My mother-in-law has been wanting to workout with me. I'm hoping she'll be able to come over and we'll be able to Turbo Jam together. It will be really nice if this is something I could share with her.

I ate healthy today. My legs and ankles were swollen this morning at work. I'm hoping to flush whatever it was out of my system. I drank 64 oz of water plus some today, and had 2 Shakeologies. I'm hoping this will be a good jump start back into a better routine. I have to overhaul my daily routine, and have seperate routines for days I have to sleep/work and days off. I think I'm going to workout before going to work, which means I have to start my "getting ready" routine earlier. I have to get a lot better about pre-planning things such as meals, and grocery shopping. Use my rare days off to get chores done. I can't continue doing things the way I have been. It is very clearly not working.

So I'm back on the highway. Can't say I enjoyed my little detour... it sucked actually. But... every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. I have so much to look forward to, and I have so much further to go. So much more to experience. Can't give up now!

Its not good.

I am ashamed. There is no other way to say it. I haven't exercised in weeks. I haven't fallen completely off my diet, but it hasn't been the greatest either. I'm in a rut. I'm suffering a mental block. I don't know the exact reason why I've gotten so far off track. All I know is that I'm here, and I don't know how to fix it.

I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). My entire life I have never had a normal menstrual cycle unless I was on birth control, or fertility medication. Until this past year at least. For a good six months my period came at the end of the month without fail. During this time I'd have the weirdest symptoms then after those symptoms subsided I'd get very depressed. Severely depressed. Then I'd get my period and I'd feel normal again. It took me a few months to realize that the symptoms I was feeling was my ovulating, and I was suffering some sort of post ovulation depression. Well, my periods ceased for a few months. It came back last month, along with the severe post ovulation depression. That was the beginning of my downfall.

Then work got crazy. A PM shifter was let go, so one of my midnight shift co-workers filled in her spot, and I filled in my co-workers shifts when it was possible. I'm a part timer. I like being a part timer. So here I am working full time hours, not used to it. Depressed, and sleeping my days away. Exercise went to the wayside because I really didn't have time.

Just as I'm starting to pull myself out of the trench, tragedy tore our small community apart. A 15 year old sophomore at a local high school held his classmates and teacher hostage with 2 handguns. It all ended with the police storming the room, and this child shooting himself. He died the next day. Now I wasn't involved personally, nor did I know anyone involved. But, we used to live a mile down the road from this high school. My husband works in this town. As a parent, as a human, I was terrified for those kids and their parents. I cried for them.

The next morning I dropped my son off at school My old high school welcomed alumni to sing with the high school chorus for the christmas concert. I was heading into town to practice with the chorus class when I got a call. It was Jamie, a close friend, co-worker and my husbands cousin. She informed me that my sons school was on lockdown, surrounded by cop cars and fire trucks, and there was a bomb threat. I was terrified! I turned around and went straight to his school. I didn't know if he was afraid, if the school was going to evacuate or if they would dismiss the students. The elementary school was on lockdown, but they didn't receive the threat, and they were safe, and going on as usual. The high school, however, was another story. Jamie's daughter attends that school as well as other cousins. My house is across the street from the high school, surrounded by the drama. We were all very thankful when the kids were signed out and released. And relieved when hours later two bomb sniffing dogs cleared the building. I swear it took years off from my life though.

Last night was the alumni concert. I went on stage with zero practice, and not knowing two of the songs. I was pretty much terrified. It went alright though. It was a late night. We went out to eat afterwords, and bowled a game as well. Didn't get home until 10:30. Poor Ethan was so patient and was so well behaved he deserved to have some fun.

That leads me to today. I slept for a full 12 hours last night. And in all honesty I've been on the couch reading and surfing the net since I woke up. I have to work tonight, and I have a 12 hour shift tomorrow. I'm working full time hours again this month. I'm exhausted at the thought. I want daylight hours in which to do what I need to do. I want privacy to workout. I want time to reflect and plan. I don't have that time. My life, at the moment, is taking care of others. I am a caregiver, but it often gets to the point where I don't take care of myself. I NEED the quiet time. I need time to chill on facebook. I need time to read. I need time to listen to music and chat with friends. I need time to breath!

SO, there it is. I'm struggling. I haven't gained any weight, thankfully, but I cannot seem to get my head back into the game. I'm feeling selfish, and quite frankly, lazy.

The One Where I Cried While I Ran Again

Yep.  I did.  I cried again.  But let me explain why...

Today was Week 5 Day 1 which says on CoolRunnings.com

Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.

Well, we know that I am no where near the 2 miles thing, but 20 minutes... that seemed pretty far stretched to me, too. 2 weeks ago a 5 minute run scared me.

But I DID IT!!!! Sorry about the screaming, but I just had to.

I ran for 20 minutes and I didn't walk.  I didn't even have to slow the treadmill down.  I've come SO far.  I still have a long way to go, but wow. When I heard the "One Minute Remaining," the tears just came.  I did it. Wow.  I am almost speechless.  Talk about a NSV!  I made it THROUGH Week 5!  And Week 6 doesn't even scare me.

I am loving being my own inspiration and motivation.  I never thought I would get to this point.  When I started, I was at such a low point, and I never thought I would be able to move past it.  This has been bigger than I ever could have imagined it.  And I. am. doing. it.  Nothing beats this feeling.  Nothing.

weigh day

I dreaded this weeks weigh in day. I really did! I fell off the wagon. I ate horribly and didn't exercise. I was depressed, and it was all I could do to fight back the tears everyday. I got on the scale though. And I was surprised to see that I lost 2 pounds! It was the boost and the kick in the pants that I needed! My total weight loss to date is 68 pounds. I am 7 pounds away from getting my nose pierced. I am so excited! I've wanted my nose pierced since I was in high school! Its something silly and selfish that I am doing for nobody but myself! And I cannot wait! Next week I WILL be able to say that I've lost 70 pounds!

I'm working more hours lately, which is keeping me busy. I had my days planned out and a pretty good routine going before this influx of work hours. But, that is out the window until further notice. I am hoping to get a new routine going. I haven't worked out since before thanksgiving and I'm feeling pretty crappy about that. I plan on working out tonight. I'm hoping to get a good workout in tomorrow. I have to say, though, that I have a physically demanding job. Its 8 hours of constant movement, so I know I burn a lot of cals while I am working, so at least that is something.

I have to go shopping for a new pair of dress pants, and I'm actually a little bit excited about it. I am currently in a size **eep** 24. All of my pants are big on me now, so I know I'm at least one size smaller... I'm hoping I get a nice surprise and maybe be two sizes smaller. A girl can dream right?!

Monday Weigh Day - 11/29 - FIFTEEN POUNDS GONE!

Well, 16 really.  But who's counting?  Oh yeah - ME!!!
And that's 3 down from last week.  I made it through Thanksgiving and I LOST weight!  Dr. Phil (whom I casually follow - sometimes he makes me want to poke myself and then him in the eye irks me) said that it's not uncommon for people to GAIN 12 pounds between now and Jan. 1!  OMG.  I am hoping to be down another 8 or so by then, not up!

I am feeling so good and positive about my life changes.  I have been trying to find things that Brian will do with me.  He says he has something against running, so he won't do that with me (though it really is too cold for us to run outside, and I think CPS would frown upon us leaving the boys alone at this point).  But I did find a Hundred Push-ups Challenge that we are doing together (and so is Heidi!!!) and we're enjoying.  It takes you from being able to do X amount of push-ups to around 100 in 6 weeks or so.  Very similar to the C25k program in that it's progressive.  I can already see that it's working - Monday I did a 4 push-up max, and yesterday on Day 3, I did 7!  Brian has increased his max from 14 to 18 too.  I am very proud of him.

Today was Week 5 Day 2 of the C25k (can you believe I am still doing this 6 weeks later?!?!?!) and I felt awesome after my run.  I ran for 8 minutes 2 times!  I ran more than I walked, including the warm up and cool down!  Wednesday I am on schedule to run for 20 minutes with NO walks.  I must admit, this makes me a little nervous.  20 minutes!?!?  That's a LONG time.  Like really long.  But I can do it.  I will make it work for me.  This is a shout out to all you music lovers.... I need help!!!  Right now I have 3 songs I listen to when I am doing the running portion of my workout -
"Raise Your Glass" by P!nk
"Hot n Cold" by Katy Perry  and
"Jump" by Van Halen

I need more songs ASAP that are fast paced like that.  It's getting easier and easier for me to lose myself in the music while I am running, but I can't mess with my iPod every 3 minutes if I expect to make it through the 20 minute run.  Part of my "strategy" is to not look at how much time I have left.  It psychs me out to see that I still have 4 minutes, or whatever.


Speaking of "Jump" though, I've been thinking about a new reward.  Please try to follow my convoluted ramblings here.

I had a cousin named Tony who was a bit older than I was (15 or so years, I think).  He was so much fun, played with my sister and I, was funny, and just a neat guy (a lot like his siblings).  When I was in jr. high, Tony was diagnosed with Leukemia.  He was newly married, had a baby girl, and in an instant his life changed.  I don't know the circumstances of how it came about, but I believe after he was diagnosed, he went tandem sky diving.  Our grandparents were living in Colorado near us, and Tony was in California.  Somehow a copy of his sky diving video wound up in Colorado.... the song playing during that jump was "Jump."  Every time I hear that song, I think of Tony and miss him.  But it's also lit a new fire under me.  I want to jump, too.  Every run, every time I hear that, I get a little closer to my goal.  Heidi and I have talked about meeting and sky diving together when we are both at our goals.  I don't know what I want mine to be.  199 is just my first goal.  But I do know I want to do it, even though it scares the you-know-what out of me.

I hope you all had a wonderful, blessed Thanksgiving.  I know mine was, for many, many reasons!

♥
Erin

Monday Weigh Day - 11/22

I have left the 250s behind!!!  This morning when I got on the scale it said 247!  3 pounds gone!  I am feeling pretty good about all of this (except for the cold I have right now), and am that much closer to my goal!  I have lost 20% (well, actually it's 21.3% but who's counting - not me of course) of my 1st goal of 61 lbs.

I had a pretty great NSV on Friday, too.  We went to civilization to do a lot of our Christmas shopping.  Since my pants aren't staying up, I needed to find another pair.  When we got to Old Navy, I checked out their clearance section.  They had a nice pair of black pants in a size 20, so I grabbed them and took them to the dressing room with me. I got a great shock when I buttoned them... they were loose!  Like not falling off my rear end loose, but still, they were loose! And when I showed Brian, he said it seemed like a goofy idea to even get them because they didn't look like they would fit me for very long and I'd be in the same place I am right now.  So I grabbed the pair of 18s thinking there was no way, but guess what???  They buttoned too!  And not the ohmyGodIcan'tbreatheinthesebuttheymakemelookskinniersoIamgonnasufferthrough buttoned.  They are snug in the waist and the legs, but I can wear them just fine!  I had planned on taking a picture of myself in them as a reference point, because I do have room to lose, and they are SNUG.  I still plan on doing it, but right now I have the head cold from hell, so it may be a few days.  And this cold better not get in my way too much.  I don't see how I am going to run yet... BOO! but I will try to figure something out!

Oh, and I did Week 4 Day 1 on Saturday, and it was GREAT!  I ran for SIXTEEN minutes total!  That's 2x longer in one workout than I ran during Week 1!  I ran for 5 minutes without stopping.  It was awesome!!!

The One With Week 3 DONE - for real this time!

Hey you!


Yeah you, Week 4 of the C25k. See me over here?  Just wanted to let you know I just kicked Week 3's butt, and you're next on my list.  So watch. out.  You've been warned!


I feel amazing!!! I am D.O.N.E with Week 3.  Week 4 and it's 5 minute runs don't scare me now.  I WILL do them. I am concentrating right now on just getting the running motion down for longer periods of time, even if it means I am "running" slower than I walk.  There is a HUGE difference in the effort needed to run and not walk.  So I'll get through the C25k, and then work on increasing my pace.  And I am still okay with repeating weeks if I need to.

However, today I was able to finish with an 18:25 pace!  That means I shaved more than :30 off my pace!  I think that's great, and am REALLY proud of myself.  I feel unstoppable now.

Which brings me to something else... if you have ever considered running, I HIGHLY recommend the C25k program.  I LOVE it now.  There is a definite endorphin high after doing any kind of workout, but the high you get from running is like no other.  And all it took was giving myself permission to admit it was hard for me, and to make it work for me!  Talk about a wonderful NSV!

And I really want to give Heidi a HUGE shout out.  She's been such a good friend for me to have on this journey.  I know a lot of you are supporting us, and cheering us on, and we love and respect each of you for that.  But she is doing it with me.  She knows my struggles and triumphs, because they are hers as well.  She knows I need my butt kicked into gear now and then, and she also knows I need time to wallow in self-pity (though she doesn't let me do it for long).  She knows because she's there, living it day in and day out just like me.  I really wish we were closer, because I think we'd have some great times working out together, and just laughing and living.  I don't know how many of you know this, but I've never really "met" Heidi.  We both belong to a mom's forum, and have learned more about each other through that, but this blog has taken our friendship to a whole new level.  And I am thankful everyday that I have her.  ♥ you bunches Heidi!

Monday Weigh Day

Well, I had a stand still week.  No loss, no gain.  But I knew this was going to be a hard week going in to it.  My oldest son turned 5 on Saturday.  How is it possible that he's 5!?!?! So bittersweet to watch your children growing up.

Anyhow, I am okay with no loss.  I mean, yeah, I would have loved to hit the 240s this week, but like a quote I read a few days ago says, "Don't wail on the scale if you cheat when you eat!"  hee hee.  The eating could have been a lot better this past week, but I still feel like I am moving forward.  Not every victory has to be a victory on the scale.  In fact, I am having more Non Scale Victories (NSV) than I thought, and each one feels so good.

Some of my NSVs lately - 

I am most definitely down a pants size!  I have 1 measly pair of jeans to my name that fit.  Just one.  In a size 22.  I refused to buy more.  Part of the whole hating to clothes shop thing, and part of the not wanting to admit I am fat.  They are TOO BIG!!!  I have to put a safety pin in them to try to keep them up, but even that doesn't seem to be enough some times.  I officially need a 20!  We're going shopping this week in civilization, and if I can find a pair that won't set me back too much $ (because I don't plan on needing them for long) I am getting new pants! :)

I was getting tired of feeling like every one of my C25k workouts was punishment, and that I wasn't moving anywhere, so this week, I redid Week 1 Day 1 of the program, and I could see a HUGE improvement!   I could run each 60 seconds without questioning if I was going to make it like I did when I started.  And to make it more difficult for myself, I pushed the pace to close to 5mph!  It was great.

Another C25k NSV - I decided I wasn't ready to move on to Week 4 this week.  The 2nd 3 minute run was beating me.  It was awful.  I wobbled between stopping, and pushing myself to the point that I thought I was going to puke.  Neither happened (thankfully), but it wasn't any fun either.  It wasn't something I was looking forward to, and I knew there was no way I could run like that for 5 minutes.  So today I gave myself permission to run slower on the 3 minute runs.  You know what happened?  I LOVED it!  I loved not having to question if I was going to make it.  So my pace slowed from 18:06 per mile to 19:00 per mile.  I don't care, because I had fun!  And it was empowering to allow myself a little wiggle room.  To not be pushing it so hard that I hate it.  I don't HAVE to hate getting healthy.  I should love it. And today I did. 

My aunt recently emailed me, and part of it was so powerful for me, I was in tears.  I'd like to share some of it with you.

 What really inspired my prayers and writing was your comment about how you will start to tell someone about what you are doing and then start discounting it. I just want to say.....DON'T Ever Do That Again! It made me feel so sad. There is nothing negative about what you are doing. It is all good. This is an incredible journey you are on and the beginning is just as important as the finish. So you don't look like a marathon runner right now. That is not the point. With confidence you tell others, and you inspire others. It is like saying the first part of anything isn't as important as the last. That is not true. If you don't pour the foundation on a house you can't possibly build the walls and put the roof on it. The first stone laid to build a church is as important as the last. You are laying the ground work, traveling the hardest part of the road right now for the sweet, sweet victory of the finish line later.

I had never thought about what I am doing right now being a foundation for things yet to come.  I was in the mind set of "when I get to X pounds, I can do Y."  I need to stop focusing on what I can't do yet, and put more energy and joy into what I CAN do now.  So I can't run at a 5mph pace for 3 minutes yet.  Big deal.  I CAN run at a 3.5mph pace, and I LIKE it.  And 5 minutes doesn't seem so scary anymore.  My slower pace is just the foundation.... It's not the prettiest part of the house, but there would be no pretty part without it.  It's  boring and nobody says "Oh, look at that foundation - I want that!!!"  But the beautiful part of my house and my journey are coming.

Nothing is going to get me down!

Last night was weigh day. I lost a pound. I know a pound is better than nothing, but I exercised almost everyday. I ate relatively well. There were a few meals in which I didn't chose the healthiest things, but I stayed within my calorie limits. I'm at a point in which the weight is not melting off the way I really want it too. The little voice in the back of my mind is telling me to do go Atkins, or do the Shakeology cleanse to drop pounds fast, thinking it'll give me a boost. But... the I really don't want to do either. I want to eat healthy everyday without cutting anything out of my diet. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat and I want to stay within those limits. I can't help but be a *little* bit disappointed in only losing a pound. This pound is off for life, and its a pound I will never have to lose again, and that is nothing to be disappointed about.

I let the number on the scale rule me too much. So I am going to follow the advice of my nurse at work, and I am going to skip my weigh in next week. When I get on that scale in 2 weeks I will be mid 260's and that will be a great great feeling!

I also have to make a confession. I am a depressed person. I have suffered clinical depression for a good portion of my life. Along with that I suffer anxiety. Since I have started exercising regularly I have not had to take any of my anxiety medication. I have been HAPPY! I am not letting stress get to me. I am smiling, and I am laughing. I want to dance!! In fact I have made a commitment to have regular dance parties. Granted I will be dancing with no one but myself but I can't wait to CRANK up the music and just dance!

There are NO quick fixes!!

I am having a very good day today! I love days like these. Days when I wake up and know what I'm going to do, what and when I'm going to eat. There is no guess work, and the routine is comforting. Most of all I know it works. I've seen results! This is (slowly) becoming a passion for me, and I hope I can someday help motivate others to start, or continue, their own weight loss journey.

I woke up, and got my son off to school. I came home and had my Shakeology. I just got done with my work out. I did the 20 minute Turbo Jam, and the standing Ab Jam. I did the Turbo Jam full impact (for the most part) and I got my heart rate up to 90% during the Turbo. I did the standing Ab Jam because I still had energy and I wanted to do the whole Ab Jam. But then I got done with the standing and I was exhausted LOL According to my heart rate monitor I burned about 650 cals this past hour. I ate a bowl of my homemade chicken noodle soup for lunch. I was bad and didn't have a snack, but I need to go grocery shopping. We really do not have much in the house.

I feel like Erin and I are really accomplishing something with, not only our weight loss, but our health in general. We are doing it the old fashioned way, which is the only way for me. I've thought seriously about using pills, even went as far as asking my doctor about them. I've thought seriously about bariatric surgery at one point. I've even thought about doing extreme cleanses to lose weight quickly. I've read up on all of these different ways of losing weight. And it all come back to the fact that major lifestyle choices are necessary to maintain weight loss. And there can be serious side effects with pills, surgeries and cleanses.

One major weight loss medication is Phentermine. Phentermine is a stimulant as well as an appetite suppressant. It is supposed to be prescribed to those who are morbidly obese with risk factors to the persons health such as diabetes, or high blood pressure. Phentermine is also habit forming, and can cause "unpleasant side effects" upon sudden withdrawal. Yeah, it works, but if during the time a person uses this medication they do not learn how to eat properly as well as start on an exercise program and stay with it, they are going to gain the weight back as soon as they stop using the medication. There are reasons I am overweight. I was a chronic over-eater, I ate junk food, processed food, a lot of carbohydrates, very little fruits and veggies. I lived a sedentary lifestyle. If I were to take Phentermine, and continue that lifestyle sure I'd lose weight, but where would I be when I quit taking the medication? Right back to where I started. Only now I'll know what it felt like to fit in the smaller jeans. I'd be defeated and deflated!

Alli, is an over the counter medication, that helps the body block the fat that would otherwise be absorbed in the body. Now there are some really really nasty side effects if you eat over the recommended amount of fat in your diet. I'm not going to list the side effects here, but I'll give you this link. Go about 3/4 down the page and you'll see a whole list. http://www.drugs.com/alli.html Yes it is said that if you eat the reduced fat diet that is recommended with Alli then the side effects are greatly reduced. BUT we should be eating a reduced fat diet anyways. Our bodies do, in fact, need some fat for healthy skin, hair, joints, etc. Blocking all fat is not a good thing. If we cut back on our fat intake, and eat the right kinds of fats (such as mono-unsaturated fats, as well as poly-unsaturated fats) and we exercise we will be lose weight. And we will be doing it in a healthy way.

I do see the need, and the benefit for many people that do, in fact, need bariatric surgery. I feel it can truly be a blessing to those who need it! I know, however, that it is not for me. My highest weight was 332 pounds. I was miserable and felt like I'd never lose weight. But then I walked in the doors to the Biggest Loser Club meeting that night back in April 2009. And I put in the effort. I lost seven pounds the first week of the challenge. I knew then that I COULD DO IT! Since that first night I have lost 61 pounds. I am on track for reaching my main goal of losing 100 pounds in two years. By April I WILL have lost 100 pounds. So I know I can do it. And I feel so blessed and lucky that I am one who can do this. I know many cannot. I also know of at least three people who have had bariatric surgery in some form or another, and who are now extremely morbidly obese. One woman is a friend of my cousin. She had lapband put in. She never changed the way she ate, never changed her activity level, does not exercise and hasn't lost a pound. NOT ONE! The other two people make me sad. To have gone through all the pain and recovery from surgery and then lost all that weight, only to put it back on plus would be the worst kind of failure for me. If I can't change my life NOW, I can't change it after the fact, and I refuse to put myself through that, nor do I see the need seeing as how I am doing this on my own. I have to add, though, that Erin and I have a mutual online friend who had major bariatric surgery at he beginning of June, and has lost 62 pounds so far according to her ticker. I wish her so much happiness and success because she really truly deserves it. Love ya Kacy!

There have been a lot of talk on cleanses as well. I view these as a quick fix honestly. Our body naturally cleanses itself. That is what our liver and kidneys do. They filter out the toxins and our body gets rid of it as waste. Yes, if we extremely limit our calorie intake and take laxatives or excess fiber we are going to get rid of some poundage. But it won't be of "toxins" or of fat. We will lose muscle because our body goes into starvation mode. Again once the cleanse is over, weight will come back on, and now you gotta work harder to regain muscle mass. Another tip, muscle burns more calories than fat does. So these cleanses actually kick ya in the ass twice. Just sayin'....

Healthy diet and exercise go a long long way! Its not just the "old fashioned" way of doing it. Its the only way that really works. If you decide to use medications, pills, or surgeries to help you along, you HAVE to do the work! There are no quick fixes!

The One With 10lbs. GONE!!!

Yep, I am officially down 10 pounds!  Yay!


I was a little bummed that it wasn't 11 pounds this morning, but I don't want to let stupid things like "I only lost 1 pound" derail me.  I should be thrilled! And I am.


Every pound lost is one closer to my goal.  Every pound lost is 1.63% of my goal!  Which means as of today, I have lost 16.3% of my goal!  That's almost a fifth of the way there!


This week I am going to concentrate on the same things I have been. I need to try to get in exercise at least 5 days - I missed three days last week. :( It's Matthew's birthday week though, too, and that will have different challenges with everything I need to do in order to prepare for it. 

We're doing it!

Last week was a good week for me. My weigh day was friday and I lost 3 pounds!! That makes 8lbs, I think, from when Erin and I started this journey together, and 61lbs total! I worked really hard last week, and that was a great reward! Another great reward.... having to pull up my pants at work! My husbands aunt handed down some scrubs to me. They've always been a bit tight in the upper thigh area and fit just right in the waist. Big in all areas now!! My undies are even big! My bras are too big now too. I can't wait go shopping for some smaller clothes. I am going to hold out for a little bit though. I want to skip the 22's and go straight to the 20's, or maybe even 18's. That would be a great feeling!

So, what am I doing to stay on track? I am eating every 2 1/2-3 hours. I've never been a big breakfast person, but I am eating as soon as I get Ethan to school, or very shortly after waking up. then a couple hours later I'll eat a banana or an apple. Then for lunch I am having Shakeology, which is complete nutrition in a glass and only 140 cals. Then another lil something, usually carrots, while I'm making supper, and then of course supper. I try to be done eating after supper. I had one day last week that I felt like I ate a lot of food, and thought for sure I really went over my calories by a lot. But I entered in everything I ate into myfitnesspal.com and found out I actually came UNDER my calorie goal! I am trying to eat clean, and lean. Trying to pump up the protein, and lower my carb consumption. The carbs I eat are always whole wheat, or in my fruits and veggie's. I won't eat white anymore. No potatoes, white rice, pastas, breads, etc.

I am also getting more routined and disciplined with my workouts. Turbo Jam is so much fun, and I am seeing such a difference in my energy level and stamina. I also added some strength training last week. I only used 3lbs weights and I only did one strength workout but I really felt it! I'm hoping to do 2 strength workouts this week, along with my cardio and ab workouts. I can't wait to measure myself again to see how many inches I have lost!

I only have 9 pounds to lose before I can say I've lost 70 pounds! And I only have 14 pounds to lose before I can get my nose pierced! I can't wait! I am so proud to say that Erin and I are working this, and we are DOING IT!!

The One With One Holiday Down.... 2 to go!

Well, we made it through Halloween.  And I managed to do better than I expected or ever have at staying out of the Halloween candy.  Today, I took all the fodder for derailing me and making me drop into the self-loathing stage chocolate out of the bucket (we have what Brian calls "socialist candy" here) and put it in a ziploc bag at the bottom of the chest freezer.  I hate getting in there, so it should be safe.  And this way the boys still get to have their treats now and then.

I am kinda freaked at how to avoid all the junk of the upcoming holiday season.  I don't want it... I just need to not eat it.  Easier said than done, though I have been doing pretty darn good if I do say so myself, when it comes to will power.

I know we will have stuff in the house. I think my focus just needs to be on keeping things in the house that are good for me that I like, too.  That way if I do feel the need to snack, I don't totally blow it on some crap I don't want or need.

I am starting to notice small differences in my body, too.  I think I've dropped a pants size.  I am having a hello of a time keeping them up at the most in opportune moments.  But since we don't have any clothing stores here (unless I want to wear Wranglers, and I don't really) I have to wait until we are in civilization at some point.  I see and feel muscles defining in my legs that I've never seen before.  It's kinda cool.

On Thursday, I figured I would just try Week 3 of the c25k, and if it was horrible, I would go back to Week 2.  With only 2 short mini-breaks where I paused the workout on my app before running again, I did THE WHOLE THING!  That's insane!  I jogged for 3 minutes without stopping, or dying.  Do you know what kind of a feat that is for me?  I still am not loving the running when I am doing it, but I am really enjoying the feeling that I get when I finish one of the runs.

Other than working out and consciously making healthier food choices, the thing I am working on right now is working on not berating myself, or discounting what I am doing.  It's easy and habit for me to say something to someone about running or that I am training for a 5k, and then follow it up with something like "Oh, well, I'm not really running much."  Or, "training, HA!" Like because I am fat, I can't run and I can't train.  I don't want to box myself in like that, because I AM running and I am training.  My training isn't like that of a seasoned athlete preparing for a full marathon or triathlon, but it is the training of someone who wants to change their life, and who WILL run a 5k.  My runs may only be 90 seconds long, but it is RUNNING!  And they will get longer, and the walks will get shorter.

I am very much looking forward to Monday's weigh-in.  If things stay like they have been the last 2 mornings, I am DONE with the 250s!  We'll see though, only 3 days and 2 workouts until then! :)

And just for cuteness factor, here are the boys in their Halloween costumes - 

A new day

Today is a new day and thank goodness for that! Last week sucked! My husband had surgery on Friday, spent Friday night in the hospital and on was able to come home on Saturday. I worked last night. I didn't get much sleep this morning but that is okay because I can sleep tonight. So far today is a good day. I've been annoyed by a few situations, but I am learning to deal with my emotions in ways other than food, and that is a positive direction to move in.

With all the stress that came with last week I gained a pound :( I am disappointed, but I won't let this stop me from my mission! This week shouldn't be half as busy, and chaotic, and stressful as last week was, so I have no excuses. My husband is also motivated and excited to live a healthier life. He is on board with me 100%, and this is very important to me. Once he's healed from his surgery he is going to exercise with me as well.

Monday Weigh Day

I am thrilled to tell you that even though I have been surrounded by Halloween candy the past few days, I resisted the temptation for the most part.  And it showed this morning!

I lost 2 pounds!!!

It's amazing to me that even though I wanted chocolate last night like you wouldn't believe, I wanted the scale to move more! And it did.  

Wooohooo!!!

The One Where I Can See the Future

What, you didn't know I was psycho psychic?  But I AM!  I can see the future.

Do you want to know what I see?  I see me running my first 5k.  I see my husband and sons at the end of it, yelling and cheering for me as I get closer and closer to the finish line.  The finish line!  I see the finish line of a 5k.  And not from a spectator standpoint either.  From that of a competitor.  Do you know what it looks like?  It's amazing.

That's what I saw today on Week 2 Day 2 of the c25k.  I had to visualize it.  If I hadn't, I don't think I would have been able to finish.  I ran Day 1 on Thursday at the gym, and felt great.  I ran Day 2 today at home, and thought I was dying.  It has to be the incline on my treadmill, right?  What else could explain how much harder it was today?  But I did it still.

And you know what?  Though I know the view of that finish line is gorgeous - I bet the feeling of being there is even better.  I'll let you know.  Just gotta wait for the future to get here.

As far as my eating is going, I've been doing pretty good.  I won't lie to you and say it's been 100% and I have no room for improvement.  But I DO think about things a lot more before I eat.  And I really make it a point to look at food as fuel and not comfort.  I am trying to find comfort in other things, myself mostly.  That can be a bit trying at times.  I know I won't be disappointed by food - it's the same.  It can't hurt my feelings or tell me it hates me or fight with it's brother.  But it WILL make me unhappy in the long run.  So I try to remember that.  And try to move on.  And be happy with me. Because you know what?  I rock!  And so does Heidi. :) ♥

Oh, and as an aside, there is nothing like having to stop a run to wipe someone's butt.  Talk about a reality check. :)

The One Where I am Feeling Great

I had 4 hours to myself today.  An occurrence so rare, I didn't know what to do with myself. Matthew, my 4 year old goes to preschool 2 mornings a week for 4 hours.  We live so far out of town that I usually try to find something to occupy the other 2 and myself until it's time to pick him up.  But today, Brian had the day off, and I was able to leave Christopher and Nicholas with him.

I dropped Matthew off and headed to the Pinedale Aquatic Center (PAC).  There is a water aerobics class at 8:30 that I've been trying to get to on Brian's Thursday off for a while.  He only has every third Thursday off, so it's not too easy.  I loved it.  It was a great workout - in fact, that's the warmest I've ever been in that pool.  When I was done, I wasn't sure if I could start Week 2 of the c25k, but I figured if nothing else, I'd at least walk on one of the treadmills for a half an hour or so.  I surprised myself, and was able to run all 6 intervals - this week is 90 seconds of running followed by 2 minutes of walking.

I am feeling great about this.  It's still hard, but I am loving it more and more everyday.  And *ahem* unofficially the scale said 250 this morning!  I can't wait for Monday!  And I really hope that keeps me out of the kids' Halloween candy this weekend! hee hee

Life got in the way!

Please excuse my last blog post. I had a bad day, and I let the stress get to me. I felt that everything was out of my control, and I wasn't dealing well with the frustration. Life got in the way! I have PCOS, and (TMI warning) I had just gotten my period after its been absent for three months. We had taken a ride to Green Bay and eaten horrible the entire day. Work was stressful. My husband hasn't been feeling well, been missing work, and was in the ER. I kept my son home from school on Tuesday. School was called off yesterday because of the wind storm. I didn't have the quiet time to myself that I usually do during the week. I use that time to workout, plan what I eat, and take care of myself. Without that time I felt out of control, and I didn't like it at all.

I am a caregiver by nature. I'm a CNA, a wife, a mom. I love my job (most of the time LOL), I love my husband and my son more than anything. What I'm learning, though, is that I have to take care of myself as well, and that I cannot take care of everyone's needs all the time. So, I have learned to exercise when I want/need to exercise, no matter who else is around, or what else is going on. I had a major fear of working out in front of my husband. While I still experience anxiety over it, I have to just do it, and I have! Ethan even Turbo Jam'd with me the other day. I have also learned to ask for help. After my husband got out of the ER the other day I had to stop and get gas. Our gas station is attached to an A&W, and I had a craving for cheese curds. I asked my hubby "are you hungry? Cause we can head through the drive-thru. I want cheese curds." He was amazing, and he talked me out of it! Then last night I had slept all day after working. The last thing I want to worry about when I wake up is supper. I told him that he was in charge cause I wasn't making anything. He took Ethan to the grocery store. He made a big, beautiful spinach salad. It was super healthy and filling! I was able to eat healthy all day because of his support!

I also have created a mini support system of friends online. Erin is one of my biggest supports and motivation. She is completely rocking her Couch to 5K program! I became a beachbody coach to help hold myself accountable.

In the end we all have to reach out for help and support. We cannot do this on our own. At least I know I can't! I know that the feelings of being out of control is a trigger for destructive behavior that will derail me. When I get those feelings I will reach out. I will ask for help. I will find time to exercise when I feel I need it.

Frustrated

I am so frustrated. And I feel selfish because I am frustrated. I am a wife and a mother, and my family comes before myself always. Usually I can take time for myself, and I find that I really need that time to stay sane, and stay the course of this journey. Unfortunately lately I can't find this time. My husband is having a very personal pain issue, and is off from work for the rest of this week at least, probably next week as well. I've been spending more time in the car, which means more fast food temptation. I've been working which means I am exhausted and crabby, which usually also means I don't want to have to worry about what I'm eating. Today I came home from work, and my son was sick, so I got him situated and fed, and I climbed on the couch. I slept for 2 hours before my husband woke me up needing me to take him to the ER because his pain was so out of control. So I woke up, showered, got my son to my mother-in-laws house, took my husband to the ER, then to his work to get everything situated with his needed time off. Then it was to the pharmacy, to MIL's, back to the pharmacy, to the grocery store and home. I ate something quick, and easy and layed down to sleep some more. I had to take a 5 Hour Energy at the hospital because I was falling asleep in the waiting room. I slept about 3-4 more hours this afternoon. I had no time to exercise today. I had no energy to worry about what I was eating today. Tomorrow I have to sleep, and get my paycheck into my checking account. Thursday my husband has an appointment with the surgeon, and then hopefully he'll have surgery to take care of the issue very shortly after that. Between all of that I have to take care of my husband, take care of my son. But, that means I have no time left to care for myself. I feel very frustrated right now, and with the frustration comes feeling of selfishness. But, no time for that because it is now time for me to get my scrubs on and go to work.

We interrupt this Sunday morning....

to bring your attention to the tickers at the bottom of the page.

Heidi is currently having technical difficulties, but hers should say 59 lb lost. Hooray!!!

Mine is down 7lbs.!  7lbs!  Woohoo!!!

Ok, that's it.  You can now return to your regular scheduled whatever! :)

The One With Week 1 of the Couch to 5K COMPLETE!

I did it.

I ran for a total of 24 minutes this week. 8 minutes per workout.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  Actually, today I did cry.  About halfway through the run, I broke down.  This is so hard.  I hate that it is so hard.  Giving up when I am in the middle of a run seems like such a good idea.  But then I visualize the scale, and what I want it to say on my weigh day.  And I push through.  But it sure doesn't feel like it's easier.  It still feels like I am going to die.  And I hate that.  I hate that I let myself get to this point.  It's not fun.  It's HARD!  Honestly, though I know your body forgets over time, I feel like having each of the boys was easier than a half an hour run is.  And I had two pitocin induced labors.

Next week scares me though.  I have to run for 90 seconds.  I thought I was going to die at then end of 60 - how the hell am I going to feel at the end of 90? Lord, give me strength.  Please.  I can do it, right?  I am not feeling it right now... maybe Monday will be better.

I have to do my weigh day this week on Sunday.  Brian will be out of town Monday morning, and I have to rely on his eyes to tell me what the scale says.  We don't have a digital scale, and I can't see the little tick marks well enough to know what it really says.  Plus, the scale hates me and when I lean forward, its says I weigh more than I do.  Nice, huh?  I am kinda nervous, just like Heidi was. It'll be okay though, right?

Hope you are all having a great weekend!  Can't wait to see my Broncos try to cream the Raiders tomorrow! :)

The One With Things I Need to Remember

This is my list of things I need to remember as I start and continue on this journey. 

• I had 3 babies in 4 years and 6 weeks.  That took a toll on my body!
• I am not giving things up (sweets and unhealthy snacks), I am simply changing my treats to be more healthy and good for me and my goals.
• The weight didn't come on overnight - it's sure as hell not gonna come off overnight.
• Food is NOT a comfort mechanism.  It's a false sense of security. 
• I am going to do this.  I will come out of my shell.  Hiding throughout life is no longer an option.
• I want to LIVE!  Not just go through things day by day.  Every day that passes is a day I can NOT get back!
• I want my boys to be proud to have me as their mom.  I don't need to be the "cool mom" but I sure as heck don't want to be the "fat mom" anymore!
• This really is a journey.  There will be triumphs, but there will be detours.  I need to accept those detours as they come, and just try to find the quickest way back to my "highway to health." (And yes, you can sing that to the tune of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell.")

Heidi and I have both gotten some pretty awesome emails from friends and family, either thanking us for our bravery, or giving us words of support.  They are wonderful!  And please, if you are reading this, keep them coming, either in the comments of our posts or emailing us on Facebook.  You have no idea what they do for us in terms of motivation.  And I know we both have our days where we are waining in our motivation.  

I'm feeling it!

I'm feeling amazing right now! Today was the forth day I worked out this week. I did the Cardio Party on my Turbo Jam workout. Its about 50 minutes of cardio. Its so much fun! Its like a dancy version of kick boxing. There are two women in each workout that do the workout low impact, and I usually follow them. I have a long way to go and I won't ever get there if I kill myself right out of the gate right?!! So, I put on the workout and I'm having so much fun when I realize I'm not following the low impact girls. I'm doing the full impact workout. Well shortly after that I felt my energy dwindling, so I did low impact the rest of the way (but I didn't phone it in, I worked it out!), but that was a very good feeling. I am getting more energy! I'm a little bit sore, but with the soreness I'm actually feeling my muscles. I can feel them moving. I can feel my abs! I don't think I've ever felt my abs constrict when moving!

I did have a wake up call yesterday though. As I have written before I suffer from depression. No matter what I did yesterday I couldn't shake it. With the depression comes the cravings, and I gave in to the craving for my favorite chips. I ate a lot less than I usually would and I enjoyed them while I was eating them. Thinking "mmmm these are soooo good!!" And as I was cuddling on the couch with my husband after supper I started to feel ill. Not long after that I had a full blown sour stomach. All night long until well after bedtime my stomach was very upset. Its amazing how after only like 3 days of eating healthy my body recognized that those chips were the enemy. Thank goodness I felt better when I woke up.

I have also noticed that I'm sleeping better. Now, keep in mind that I haven't worked the past 3 nights (I am a CNA and I work night shift). But I am sleeping a lot better, and I wake up with more energy than usual. This is a definite plus for my insomniac self LOL

I did a search for the benefits of regular exercise and this is what I found from the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/HQ01676

1. Exercise improves your mood.
2. Exercise combats chronic diseases.
3. Exercise helps you manage your weight.
4. Exercise boosts your energy level
5. Exercise promotes better sleep.
6. Exercise can put the spark back into your sex life.
7. Exercise can be — gasp — fun!

I've experienced AT LEAST 5 of these benefits in just this week! I know this is a turning point in my life, and my attitude and my outlook on life! I have a LONG way to go, but I won't ever go back to where I was!! My weigh in is tomorrow night, and I am kind of afraid. I won't let the number on the scale make or break me, but I will be disappointed if all this work, and effort I've been putting out won't show. I might weigh in tonight just to get it over with :)

The One With Week 1 Day 1 of the Couch to 5K

In pursuit of my goal to be a runner, I decided to start the Couch to 5K program.  It's a 9-week long program that gradually introduces more running each week.  You are supposed to run 3 days a week with a rest day in between.

I had started the C25K program in early 2010, but I only made it to Week 2.  I didn't have my head in the game, so to speak, and that caused mental blocks that manifested themselves as physical blocks.  If I'd stayed with it, who knows what I'd be doing now.  But the past is the past, I can't change it, I can only move forward from here. So anyway, back to last time.  I found the podcasts from Robert Ullrey, which are really very good.  They have the run/walk prompts and upbeat dance type music on them.  Part of my pitfall last time though was that there was no singing for me to get lost in.

So this time around, I figured I could have Brian build me my own podcasts with one of his music editing softwares.  Not the most fun thing for him to do, but he's supporting me in my journey, so he agreed to do it.  While I was searching iTunes for the podcasts that were just the prompts, I found this app I could put on my iPod Touch that would allow me to listen to my own playlists and still have all the prompts.  The Couch to 5K app for iPhone is great!  And it was only $3!  Best $3 I could have spent.

I did the first day yesterday after wasting almost 6 hours updating my iPod so I could get the stupid app to load.  It was hard, I am not gonna lie.  And I looked ahead to the coming weeks, and all I can say is EEK! I can't imagine running for 8 minutes at a time, let alone a 20 minute stretch!  That just seems so beyond what I can do.  But that's why it's a gradual program.  And I will do it!  It just may take me a little longer than 9 weeks!

And I promised some pictures of me.  I haven't gotten Brian to take the "before" pictures yet, but I do have a family photo from August.  You can see my 4 boys, who I spend my days taking care of when I am not taking care of me.  Enjoy!

discipline and accountability

Last week Thursday I received some unsettling news. My psychologist told me I lack self discipline. What? No way! That is news to me! Okay, okay, so it wasn't exactly that big of a newsflash, but it wasn't nice to hear it come from someone else. He was completely right, and I needed to hear it. I thought about it Thursday. I thought about it on Friday. I thought about it all weekend. Last night I decided to do something about it. Today I'm actively working on my issues of self discipline, and accountability.

I woke up, and made my son his lunch, helped him get ready and got him to school. I came home, took my medicine and had something to eat, and checked my facebook, and just started my normal "mellow out" routine. Then I though "oh today I really gotta get this done" and I thought "oh I really need to exercise today" So I went into my Open Office (free word processor, too cheap to pay for microsoft LOL) and I typed in a list. And I typed in everything that I will get done today. I will make this list everyday. This will be my way of holding myself accountable. I'm no longer allowing as much "me" time as I have been having. Whether I'm in a good mood or not, whether I'm tired or not, I will be doing this. Life is too precious to spend getting fatter and fatter on the couch.

What are some of the ways that you hold yourself accountable so you can reach your goals?

The One With the First 5 Pounds!

Yep, that's right!  I am 5 pounds down from my starting weight!  WOOHOOO!!!!

Okay, got that out of my system.  Well, not really, but I can control it for the rest of the blog post.  I've decided for me that Mondays will be my weigh days.  I have a feeling it will help to keep me more on track on the weekends if I know that Monday morning will be my official weigh-in.  I am getting on the scale periodically throughout the week, just to keep me on track too.  But those weights won't count for my goal or reward.

Now would be a good time for me to explain the reward system I have put in place for myself.  I have 2 systems in place - 1 for exercising and 1 for losing the weight.  They will work together hand in hand.  This is how it works for me...

• For every day that I exercise for at least 1/2 hour, I get a star on my chart.  When I have accumulated 7 days, I get one reward day.
• For every 5lbs. I lose on my "official" weigh-in days I get a week of reward days.

What's a reward day you ask?  It's a day to drive our new to us Suburban or Yukon XL.  We haven't actually purchased one yet, so for the time being I am just accumulating time.  My husband and I have vastly different ideas of how often we should drive this, so this is a good compromise for us, and something that I really want!!! 

As of right now, I am sitting at 8 days of driving it!  I can't wait.  

For my other goals, this is what I would like to do:

• Get down to 199lbs. (reward for this is a Cricut - man I can't wait) - 61lbs. lost from SW
• Run at least one 5k in the next 6 months (need to check into availability on these)
• Possibly run the 1/2 marathon in our town in Sept. 2011.
• BE a runner.  I want to have the ability to run.  I want stamina and lung capacity for this.

I didn't really have a date in mind for this.  I'd like to use Heidi's date though, so we are both working with the same goal in mind, and the same time frame.  I know that puts me a little over 2 lbs. a week, so I might need to adjust the date to slightly further in April.  However, I am not changing it yet.  If I start adjusting goals before I even start, then what's the point?  Gotta keep myself honest.

Along the way, I will be rewarding myself with things like new clothes as I need them.  I can't have that as a main goal right now because of how much I hate to shop.  Woo, a reward I loathe.  No thanks.  I am expecting this to change though.

What are some goals YOU are working towards?  How are you keeping on track?  

I am determined!

I have really been thinking lately about goals. I've been thinking about what I need my goals to be, and how I'll reach those goals. I had a complete mental block over this for a long while. Knowing I had to change something, and work towards something, but it never came to me what I'd work towards. I had an epiphany in the car. I want to lose 100 pounds! Not 100 pounds from where I'm at now, but 100 pounds total from when I started this journey in April of 09. It is a goal I'll be able to reach healthily. I wouldn't have to kill myself to get there, and I'd feel very accomplished. A goal I've been looking forward too for a while is even losing 75 pounds. I told myself a couple months ago that when my weight loss reached 75 pounds I would do something silly, and selfish, and something I've wanted to do for over 10 years. I'm going to get my nose pierced! When I lose 100 pounds I want to jump up and down and celebrate in a big way. I'm not sure what yet, but I'm thinking an out of town trip... maybe to the Tundra Lodge in Green Bay, or a romantic weekend getaway.

I decided that either Friday or Saturday nights will be my official weigh in nights, depending on what nights I work that week. So, last night was Saturday and I hopped on the scale. The scale beeped and I looked up and... 276! I lost 2 pounds! Very exciting, and I am thrilled! So now that I know my current weight, and I know my goal weight will be 232, its time for me to do some math and map it all out. Here is what I came up with:
~I have lost 56 pounds.
~I have 19 pounds to lose until I am officially 75 pounds lighter and I get my nose pierced.
~I have 44 pounds to lose by the first weekend of April 2011, and I will reach my goal of losing 100 pounds in 2 years.

I have 25 weeks to lose that 44 pounds. My mini-goal is to lose 2 pounds each week. If I maintain that 2lbs a week, that'll put me at 50 pounds by April, which is OVER my goal! I am so determined to do this! I will NOT FAIL!

The One Where I Own it

Ugh.  Here goes nothing.

260.  That's my starting weight.


Oh, a little too small you say?  Fine, have it your way.  260.  That's my starting weight.  Not proud of it, but it is what it is.  I need to own it.  I think that's a big step for me.  Not pretending it's something else, something lower.

I plan on posting pictures when I can get someone to take them for me.  I don't trust the photography skills of my 4 year old.  Call me crazy. I want to have something to look back on, to see how far I've come.

As a side note, my sister is here.  In my former life, I would have let the fact that I have company 1. be my excuse to not exercise (can't let any one know I am working on losing weight, ya know) 2. derail my eating (I am a KICKASS cook if I do say so myself, just not fabulous at cooking healthy entrees all the time) and 3. derail me completely - since I wasn't exercising or eating better, why bother at all.  NOT THIS TIME!  I made a healthy green chili for supper last night, will make baked chicken nuggets and baked squash tonight.

After I got done on the treadmill, she got on to do her workout.  I almost let watching her derail me.  She's a lot faster than I am - by at least 0.5mph, and then she does sprints too. But this time, I am letting her be something I aspire to be.  She's been going to the gym and working out for awhile, does kick boxing, etc.  She's  also a LOT lighter than I am.  So I will get there one day.  Maybe she and I will be able to do a 5k together, and not walk, and I will be able to keep up with her.  No, not maybe.  We will!  Just need to figure out when and how.

Its almost easy...

No part of this journey is easy. Some days are better than others, but everyday is struggle. I've had to change almost everything about my life. My daily routine, my meals and eating habits, my physical activity, my attitude, the way I related to my family. Its all had to change. Everyday is a struggle. Its a struggle that unless you've gone through it, or experienced yourself, you will never understand.

This journey requires me to aware of my surroundings. It requires that I am aware of my temptations and that I conquer them. Everyday I conquer them I celebrate. Today, however, I gave in. I'm tired, I'm not feeling well, and I was hungry. I wanted some comfort. I didn't want to come home, eat something healthy. I didn't want to deal with being "unsatisfied" in my hunger. I didn't have the fight in me. I gave in. I went through the Burger King drive through. My mind turned off and I went into "auto" mode. I got everything set up the way I like... took out my burger, and napkin, dumped the fries into the bag and put extra salt on. and I dug in. Halfway home I realized my food was gone. I don't remember eating it. I didn't want to deal with the dissatisfaction of coming home and eating something healthy, but now I'm dissatisfied because I ate what I wanted. Then I realized what it was that I ate. I ate fat, and ungodly amounts of calories. What I ate didn't nourish my body. What I ate is DESTROYING my body! I was ashamed!

I came home, changed out of my jeans and into my comfy pants, which is a normal part of my routine. I gather my kleenex and my cough drops and my diet pepsi (which is my vice, and something I'm working towards cutting down on, but the headaches are killer) and I sit on the couch to relax. I open up my laptop, log onto facebook, and I see Jillian Michaels posted this link:
http://gizmodo.com/5662271/watch-six-months-of-a-happy-meals-eternal-life?ref=nf

I also clicked the link on how chicken nuggets are made. If I was ashamed before, I'm completely gagging myself now. I willingly put that into my body? Why? To have an upset stomach, and a body that has no energy and feels like lead? BUT at the time I wanted it more than I wanted to lose weight. I wanted it more than my health. I will think of that article and those pictures every time I drive by one of those places. I will remember just how much "comfort" I gain by ingesting that food.

I have a song running through my head right now. Erin and I agreed we wouldn't post music on this blog. We both have different tastes in music, and we don't want to offend each other or any of our readers, as that would be counter productive to our goal. But I am going to share some lyrics. I hope that is okay, because these lyrics are speaking to me today. The song starts out with "I feel insane every single time I'm asked to compromise, cause I'm afraid and stuck in my ways and that's the way it stays"

Is that how I feel? Afraid? I *am* afraid. I'm afraid of losing weight. I'm afraid of gaining weight, or even staying the same weight I am. I'm afraid of diabetes, heart disease, my size 22 pants. I'm afraid of losing weight only to gain it back. I'm afraid of giving up all those foods that have given me false comfort in my past. I'm afraid of trying food I've never tried before. I am afraid to change. I am afraid of failure!!

It is almost easy to sit here and say things like "you have to stay positive, you'll get through this, blah blah blah" but in all honestly this journey SUCKS! I hate it! I hate that I have to travel down this road. I hate that I have to face these demons. I hate facing this fear every single day!

Some days I will feel more positive. I will be more motivated. But everyday I will be facing my fears. I am so glad not to be facing my fears alone! I pray none of you will face them alone either!

*by the way, the song I am referring to is Almost Easy by A7X

The One Where I am Embarrassed

Webster's Dictionary gives the definition of embarrass as 

• to place in doubt, perplexity, or difficulties
• to cause to experience a state of self-conscious distress
• to become anxiously self-conscious

welcome to my life. 

Yesteday I was so gung-ho.  I was going to get on the scale and *gulp* actually post my starting weight.  It seemed so easy when it was "tomorrow."  Tomorrow wasn't now, wasn't something I had to worry about.  But then a little something sneaky called time happened, and *poof* tomorrow is RIGHT NOW.  I am still focused on moving in the right direction.  I know I am going to have detours and triumphs.  That part I am not worried about.

The part I am worried about is "what's everyone going to think?"  And I shouldn't be.  I can't go get back on the scale now and have it say something different.  Tomorrow I might be able to (there's that tomorrow word again) but there's not a magic pill that will make it happen now.

So while I do still plan on posting my starting weight, I don't have the courage to do it here, yet.  But I will.  Because it's only going to get smaller.  And I am only going to get smaller.  

On a happy note - 

Yesterday I did an exercise dvd that is a really great workout for me.  It's called Pick Your Level: Fat to Fit Fast.  I really do enjoy it.  In the throes of doing it, I hate it with every fiber of my being.  But when I am done, I feel good.  And more importantly, I feel proud of myself! 

This morning when I woke up, I was S.O.R.E.  But a good sore.  And I didn't let it stop me.  I did 32 minutes on the treadmill, keeping a 3.3mph speed.  And coughed up a lung my head off since I still have a bit of a cold.  But I did something. 

In the words of Disney's Meet the Robinsons - KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...

Hey everyone. My name is Heidi and I am a Fat Chick. Yup! I admit it! There is no hiding it. Trying to deny my obesity is like trying to hide my hazel eyes and brown hair. I wanted my first post here to explain where I've come from, and how I got to where I am today.

I was a normal, healthy size as a child. I remember one day in the 4th grade, when I was being teased and bullied over my poodle hair cut and perm job, thinking "at least I'm not fat, I have that going for me." However, not long after that, the weight started piling on, and would not quit. I was a junior in high school and I wore a size 22. I had just switched schools and I was miserable. Over the summer going into senior year I cut my hair. In my depression and desperation I cut it all off! I dyed it black and I spiked it all out. My attitude started changing. I started Senior year wearing black clothes, black make up, black hair. Boys started noticing me. I stopped eating. Boys started noticing me more, and more. I went from a size 22, to a size 14 in a short period of time. I was 17, so I had youth on my side, but I was on the borderline of anorexia. It got to the point in which a very very small amount of food filled me up. What I was eating had no nutrition at all. I was thinner, I was *happier* (or thought I was happier, but I was still empty inside) but I was still unhealthy. Maybe even more-so than I was when I was fatter. Then...

I met Tom. This man changed my life! From the moment I laid my eyes on him, he's been the love of my life! I slowly started to become comfortable with myself. I started to eat again. When we moved in together the only foods I knew how to cook where large amounts of processed, extremely unhealthy foods. I didn't know how to cook/eat healthy, and to be perfectly healthy I didn't even know what that meant.

When I was trying to conceive my son, I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short.) I was told that I had to go on a low carb and high protein diet, like sugar busters, and lose weight if I were ever going to get pregnant. I lost some weight. Not a significant amount, but some. It took 18 months before I became pregnant. I can't remember how much weight I gained while pregnant. I know I never took it off though.

I am a depressed person. My postpartum stage wasn't easy on me. I took care of my son, but forgot to take care of myself. Never truly living life, but going through the motions. The next couple of years were a tailspin. My mom passed away. We bought a home and moved. Through the miracle of clomid I became pregnant again. We found out it was an ectopic pregnancy, and we went through eight weeks of hell. It all ended in an emergency surgery. We started a major remodeling project on our home. We are STILL going through the remodeling project (ugh, can we say STRESS?) My husband went to Virginia for work for a few months, which left me home alone to do it all in middle of winter. I was at my breaking point. I coped through food. I am so ashamed to say that I would eat a huge 1lb candy bar every day. Sometimes two. A bag of chips everyday. Fast food whenever I had the opportunity. A King Size value meal at Burger King was no longer filling me up so I'd order an extra burger.

In March I was at the grocery store. I noticed a flyer for a weight loss group starting up soon. I grabbed the number and went home. I talked to Tom, and said that I had to do something to change, because I couldn't keep going the way I was. It took me a good week to call the number. I was sweaty, and my heart was beating out of my chest. Clearly in middle of an anxiety attack, but I called. Turned out the woman starting the group was the cashier at the grocery store. She told me the time and place, and I said I'd be there. The next time at the grocery store I told her how afraid I was. She said "I am too. We all are. But we are going to do it together" I walked in the door that night, and my blood pressure was through the roof. My anxiety was out of control. I was on the verge of tears. I didn't know it then, but that night changed my life. I sat down next to a woman who would turn out to be one of my best friends, and I met many other amazing people that night. I stepped on the scale and held my breath, and looked down. I weighed in at 332 pounds. The measuring tape didn't go all the way around my hips. This is what I looked like that night:


Tonight I weight 278 pounds and this is what I look like:




My motto's have been "small changes make a big difference" and "slow and steady win the race." It took time to put on all this weight, and its going to take a lifetime to change. My goal isn't to be skinny, its to be healthy. I want to be here for my husband and son for a long time. I want to feel good about myself. I want to do fun things with my son! I want energy. I want to be happy. and I want to LIVE LIFE!

In the beginning...

So every story has a beginning, and I guess this is mine.

I'm tired.
Tired of being overweight.
Tired of hating to shop for clothes.
Tired of not being happy with who I am.
Tired of pretending I am not fat.  It's not something I can hide.
Tired of hiding the fact that I am slowly but surely trying to get healthy.

I am coming out, in a sense.  I am not going to hide the fact that I am trying to live a healthier life.  I just have to find the courage to do it in the real world.  But I will take small steps, and get there eventually.

So, come along on this ride with us... you never know where the journey might lead us!